Despite my opinons before previously I have concluded that smartphones and apps are not bad on their own, but we must talk about how we can best manage them so we get the best out of them. This is a recent conversation between my 78-year-old father and how we manage digital technology with our kids that I think is a common one in a lot of modern households today.
They should be outside playing he said.
But they do I said back to him.
It was just before dinner and the kids were having their digital time after being outside all day. We have set rules on how we manage digital technology with our kids however he was having trouble seeing that.
What are they doing now? he said there on their phones not outside.
Yes, I said but they have been outside all day. This is their allowed allocated time.
Rubbish he said.
I took a breath. I had almost been rehearsing what I wanted to say because I knew this was coming and I had come from a similar place of not wanting anything to do with digital technology. I can’t help have this feeling that without understanding digital technology is not great thing but the truth is digital tech is something that’s not going anywhere.
So, I started my response with Yes, B1 has a phone. The other two a tablet that they have to share but we have been offered multiple times for play stations and x-boxes. We don’t want one. Money isn’t an issue; they don’t fit with what we want for our family.
He rebuffed with you will get another tablet, then they will all have one.
No, I said we have no intention of replacing. It was Nana that gave them that tablet when we travelled. If they want another then they will need to buy themselves. If they want an Xboxes, they must buy it themselves when they leave home and we have told them that. This digital and social media thing isn’t going away. I can’t deny them digital time; when it’s the way of the future. So, we just must learn to manage it. As a family, we have discussed the pros and cons and we are strict on what they do digitally. Its newness and uncertainty are no different to yours with the introduction of the TV and mine with gaming consoles. We must evolve and create rules that suit us as a family. Saying all of that judgement isn’t helpful in navigating a new hurdle in parenting. It just creates confusion and a divide.
He was silent after that and so here is how we manage digital technology with our kids that is so far working in our house.
Rules.
We have talked about our guidelines, expectations and consequences should they break them. Recently one of the boys broke the rules and so he lost his phone for the month. If the boys misbehave or fight over tech then they lose their time. Talk about it as a family on what’s fair.
Time limits.
We have time limits of 40 minutes a day for screen time on the weekend, there is no use during the school week. We have talked about the benefits and negative behaviours created by too much screen time and social media use. The boys are aware of how scrolling can impact attention span and how a digital like in social media makes no impact on their real life. We didn’t allow digital technology when they were little and only allowed access when they were 7,9, and 11 years old. B1’s phone use is monitored through our sharing plan. I can see what he has used. As a family, we discuss the importance of self-regulation. They are also aren’t allowed to be on electronic devices half an hour before bedtime. They are not part of the bedtime routine; that’s for real books and talking.
No secrets.
We keep B1’s passwords and we try to understand what he plays, there is no fortnight or online games (as far as I know- fingers crossed) allowed. He must request games and apps through our sharing account. Starting this as soon as they are on digital technology makes it easier to manage possibly but I will keep you posted how this goes as they get older. As a family, we have always talked about not having secrets because most often secrets hurt.
Social media.
We limit their exposure. None of them has any social accounts independently. My boys wanted an Instagram account and so I set one up for them to use, but I manage all of it. At first, they were curious but have since realised it wasn’t something ‘real’. They go in and have a look, but I have been so far fortunate enough that they don’t seem to have succumbed to it yet. Right now, they can’t see what the point is, with them all remarking that a ‘like’ isn’t a ‘friend’ it’s a digital number that they can see but it has no difference to their everyday life. I think teaching them the ins and out of what social media essentially is, is also important.
Digital technology etiquette.
Knowing when to put the phone down. Phones and the same for toys are not allowed at the dinner table. When having a conversation, they are to be put out of sight and stored away when not in use. We have taught how to respond to texts and emails without using an emoji.
Don’t allow them to use alone all the time.
We prefer that digital tech is kept out of the bedrooms. There are no televisions in the bedroom and so the same goes for digital technology. We don’t like the idea that they are shut away in a room playing on a device for hours on end.
Teach respectful online behaviour.
We speak plainly about sharing and viewing of intimate images no matter who has sent them and how to speak online. If you wouldn’t say it in person you don’t say it online. The importance of respecting someone’s privacy and being kind online is as big a deal as offline, that’s where I think society is now. B1 recently told me about a young girl who was sharing a picture of herself in her bra and she wanted to send it to him. He told her she can’t get that back and no he didn’t want a picture of her in her bra. He instead told her to gain some confidence and self-respect. I’m hoping we are on a win.
Cyberbullying and what to do when it happens.
I haven’t experienced this yet but we are very familiar with bullying offline. We have spoken about what it is and how it can ‘hurt’ people. Most importantly the importance of talking to us should it happen. We have pleaded that they speak to us instead of trying to ‘handle’ it on their own.
Role model good behaviour.
I will be the first to admit that I have been a terrible role model, especially for Facebook. I was legitimately using it for good on my page however I didn’t know when to switch off. Instagram sends me into a pit of anxiety as I compared numbers, now I have time limits and I walk the talk. At Christmas time my boys’ cousins were constantly on their phones and they role modelled behaviour my kids learnt from. My boys were so disappointed with their lack of interest in their Aussi cousins.
Having a strong sense of self-worth.
This is just a given for life I think and we as parents are largely responsible for this. I’m hoping that this will just help navigate what can be such a harsh but often uplifting environment. Understanding what’s real and what’s not. Seeing that an image on the internet can be doctored and truth distorted. Teaching them that they are enough and don’t require a filter.
These ideas of how we manage digital technology with our kids will bend and firm as the boys get older. Its only natural things will change and we can but try our best to teach them. Given that all families are different what rules do you have around how you manage digital technology with your kids because every family is different.
xx Deb.
Content by Debbie Russo & image with thanks to here.
