the fifo wife

I had a pretty piss poor attitude this month.

I was sick mind you. The kids were sick too. There were trips to the ER, hospital stays and terrible phone lines to the husband some 3000 miles away. I’m giving myself some excuse because it was trickier than usual, but, doesn’t allow for the venom that shot from my mouth on an almost daily basis. Pissed off was my go to mood. I did try to smile my way through; however I grumbled a lot, and I venom whined a lot- mostly to my boys and to myself.

I had a severe case of poor bugger me attitude that didn’t really have a lot to do with being sick or tired.

I cursed I was busy and overwhelmed. I had so many places to be and was having trouble managing. I resented every time my husband texted me with a request to do a new lawn. I was annoyed when we mowed them. Cranky, my constant state because nothing for me was getting done, because I was busy doing something else for someone else. I was running one child from one thing to another. I ran them from lawn to lawn so they could earn pocket money. I was trying to balance everything, and it was getting done but I was shitty about it, and I let all of my boys know it.

Yes, another great failed parenting moment is to be marked down for Debbie Russo. In years to come, I will be the reason that B3 can’t mow his own lawn because I yelled at him those fifteen times about not overlapping right. Scared. For. Life. I’m, sure he will be. My anxiety will churn that over forever. 

So my aha moment came a little late, but it came perhaps just in time.

I was speaking with another mother, who seemed to, manage everything so beautifully. Given she has her husband here on a daily basis. As well as her parents living two doors down (I’m giving myself some grace) so it was the same but different. But it was something she said something that made me go ah that’s the problem here.

How do you manage everything I said to her?

Well, she said the kids want to do it.

Yeah, I said waiting for a whinge; the opportunity to spread my infectious evil but then she said I want them to do it too so I do it. I manage.

And there it was- the attitude tuner I needed.

I didn’t have to do these things. no one was making me run them around. It was just as easy to say “no I don’t have anything else to do, but no you’re not doing it. You are not bettering yourself because it will make me too busy, too stressed.”

But.

Much like our offshore life, I’m not being made to do any of this. We want it as a whole, and so we make it work. It’s the same principle in my eyes.

I want my kids to do all these things. I want them to have pocket money; learn the value of hard work. I want them to attend an art class, dance class, basketball, swimming, tutoring and tennis. Sure it’s hard when the husband is at work, but that’s the story of millions of single super parents around the world, and they don’t cop a break ever. They manage because they want this for their kids and ultimately their families’ success.

Instantly my attitude adjusted, despite my tired lagging butt, and everything became easier to handle. I even asked for help- a massive deal for me, and it felt good.

With the poor me attitude gone- everything was much more doable. I got this; even more importantly I want this. I want this for them, and for our family.

It doesn’t change the amount of ‘stuff’ I have to do, but as I understand ‘victims’ of poor bugger me syndrome rarely succeed in the long run and I ain’t having any of that.

xxDeb

I had this post in my head where I was going to write down all my goals and you good people would make me accountable. However, I instantly became overwhelmed as I sat about what I had to do and the fact that I’m not sure even where to start. The tightness in my chest came and that stuck feeling I get so often surfaced.

As we speak I can see that it’s almost 3 pm, my window of being able to write on a Monday has been taken up with helping out family, getting the holiday house ready, and doing other stuff than what Mondays was actually assigned for. The house is an absolute bomb, as is the yard. From the street, we are slowly starting to look step toe and son and I’m starting to freak out, the neighbours will start talking. Yet the husband has been gone just four days and I’m already starting to lose my crackers imagine week four? SOS signals will be sent out from the over grown grass, mountain of paper work and dust spindles will be rolling out the back door.

I’m overwhelmed not busy.

Now they say that this overwhelmed feeling is an another form of anxiety- naturally. I am all over that and so supposedly there is a flight or fight feeling. I’m feeling neither, but what the hell I am feeling is stuck. I literally start chasing my tail. I start things but can’t finish. That’s how my anxiety works and when I think about it that is my anxiety ‘being overwhelmed’- I just feel like I have shite loads to do and no help which in reality isn’t true I just don’t ask because I am my parents daughter and to this day they are shite teachers in that department.

Being ‘overwhelmed’ happens for lots of reasons we take on to much, we can’t say no, we have exceptional expectations of ourselves, and we have control issues. I will just sit quietly in the corner as I understand I am all of those things. You could add to that we are also overachievers but I think as I kick a dust spindle from my feet that’s highly unlikely for myself but consider it for yourself.

Yet having said all of that I do get stuff done “eventually” because I have learnt ways to work with ‘anxiety’ and ultimately myself.

1. Ask for help and accept it when it’s offered. I know to get out of town so simple. For me, it took just thirteen years of being a parent but I have achieved it. Sometimes delegation makes it that simple to overcome {or not depending} on your control issues but that’s another issue that I haven’t worked out just yet.
2. On the days where it’s too much take time out. Stop and remove yourself from the situation for a bit calm down and come back. Put your big girl pants on and start again.
3. Turn off the TV and stop looking at the internet. The extra noise and lights heighten things. Find something to slow your mind {and heart} down. Colour in, take pleasure in the quiet. Have a shower or bath, personally, I would never be out of the shower so a coffee in silence is my thing. Then I come back with a plan which leads to tip 4.
4. Write it down. Work out exactly whats making you stuck and deal with that first. Also, stop multi tasking; its fallacy that it works. You just look ridiculous as the balls start to drop. Which leads to the next piece of inspirational advice.
5. Understand it’s not life and death no one is going to die if you don’t get something done. This overwhelmed business is just a feeling that you have complete control over.

So as I sit here in week four completely stoked with myself that I have written my first piece in four weeks I can tell you it works. I am off to deal with the dust balls and in time delegate the children to mow the lawn and pick up their own stuff.

Best of luck,

Deb.

 

 

I’m a big believer in buying season staples this year for next year. I am the mother or woman who has plastic containers of basic shirts, shorts and underwear for my family in the next size up stored away like a doomsdayer and their tinned goods but come to think of it I am that person too.

If I see something too good to go past that won’t go out of style or taste I snap it up and store it away for when it’s needed.  Then at the beginning of the season, we will pull the box down go through their clothes and change out. I always take something from their current pile and either sell or donate because let’s face it they can only wear so many clothes, more just makes it crazy cluttered.

The big trick is remembering what you have otherwise it becomes a waste of money complete opposite of what you intended.

So right now there is some great end of year sales, especially now online.

Cotton On.. one of my favourites is having 50% off selected styles and sign up for their newsletter and get a further 20%

ASOS up to 50% on selected styles.

Jay Jays sale items starting from $5

Autograph Fashion up to 40% off selected items.

Aster and Oak on selected items.

Happy stocktake.

Deb

 

Do you still love me as you did? I asked him lying in bed.

Yes, he said propping himself up on his pillow.

I guess some men would have rolled their eyes, but he responded with do you love me as you did?

I smiled yes more so now than before I said.

But just as I can tell when you aren’t in love with me he said. I stayed silent as he finished slowly with just as you can tell when I’m not with you.

I lay there contemplating the honesty we were having at this moment because it was true. There have been times both recently and over the years where while we have loved each other we were not in love with each other and it’s tricky being with someone and not being in love with them.

Leaving my marriage has never crossed my mind during those periods but it’s been tricky and some days downright hard and the past six months extra tricky. But as I said to a friend the other day we have made it through the other side in one piece better than when we went in.

I think the difference with some marriages he said is making it through those periods, and it takes two to do it along with circumstance he said clarifying his point, but if you can it is sweet when you come out the other side. Every relationship has his ups and downs. He made this circle motion with his hands as he spoke explaining his theory.

You know I said, and I know this is going to sound stupid, but I love you more having made it through. ‘This’ I said making a whirlpool with my hands what we have is better for it. I love that you are patient with me when you can see I’m not so happy or in love, and you love and support me anyway. It makes me love you deeper does that make sense I said suddenly feeling very coy.

Yeah, he said agreeing, and that’s what will get us through the next one should it ever come along.

Marriage just like life and everything else. It is one big circle and its a matter of riding it out the best you can and if you can’t because sometimes it is just too hard it’s about riding that one out too.

xxDeb