the fifo wife

She said she would change he said. I looked at him sitting on my couch his head in his hands. We had been here so many times before him and I; my dearest friend for so long. I sat down across from him my couch sagging under my weight. I sighed do you want to know what I have learnt I asked because we can’t keep doing this I said to him.

He lifted his head from his hands his eyes red and swollen from crying and said yes.

People don’t change I said but they can and usually do grow into better people some call it growing up. That is the only time people change is when they grow up. When they stop being children, stop being selfish and start being an adult. Start wanting to be a better person but that growing that is a choice. That is the change.

We all get to a certain age and understand what consequences are. Some of us grow up quicker than others then there are some that don’t at all because they don’t want to grow up to be better people. They don’t want to learn lessons, understand right and wrong. Understand hurt and understand love and they don’t want to take responsiblity. They enjoy being selfish literal children by choice.

You can’t make someone change like you can’t make someone grow up. You can try to teach them but like children they need consequence otherwise it’s a wasted painful effort for which you have tried to teach time and time again. Until they change grow up they will never consider you or the impact of their actions. Until they want to start to grow up or do you will not matter as you should and so they will continue to hurt and disappoint you.

So I said to him you have a choice you either accept the way she is go back and live with it or you change what you can because you are the only one that can do that. You can make a change.

She won’t change or grow up he said I have tried to talk to her show her how I feel make her understand.

Well I said there is your answer. You have done all the teaching you can now you need to work out what is the best consequence the only type of change that is possible for your children.

He never left her he didn’t have to life taught her the ultimate lesson ; death.

What do you think..do people change? 

{image with thanks to here}

FIFO ruined our marriage she said. It turned us into brother and sister. We are just another FIFO statistic she said.

I sat on the other end of the phone listening to her.

What was your roster again I asked?

Week on off she said.

That’s a pretty awesome roster I said.

Yeah but we just get into routine and he is home.

Right I said.

Yeah I don’t know what we are going to do she finished with.

There was a silence on the phone I didn’t know what else to say because I didn’t know if it was my place after all she was calling to tell me her dog had eaten one of my chickens not get my advice on her marriage.

Yeah I said I don’t know that I would like a one and one but that’s me I said I like the  four and four it works for us.

No way could I do four she said my marriage would have ended long before now.

She said it without realising her mind was made up.

Why I said.

It would ruin us completely. It’s too hard to be a couple she finished with.

I sat on the end of the phone trying not to get all antsy because blaming your partners work as a cause for relationship failure for me is a cop-out. I have been there done that. You know I said finally plucking up the courage FIFO isn’t the cause of any marriage breaking up it might exacerbate the situation, make it easier for you not to talk to make excuses but ultimately it’s not working on your relationship be it with your partner or of your children it’s not FIFO’s fault it’s you not being able to open your mouth that’s the problem. FIFO or not that can happen and I added dentists actually have a higher divorce rate than FIFO couples. I wanted to add that FIFO whilst has been hard has made my marriage what it is which without wanting to rub her nose in it is freaking awesome . FIFO has made my family what it is. Has shown me, my husband and my family what it is important but I stopped short of saying more.

She silent sat on the end of the phone I figured regretting that she had even given a courtesy call about the chicken.

So what would you do? she asked me.

Start again I said if thats what you want. Start investing in my husband. Its not his job to do it all like it not yours to do it all. You have to every single day. Good relationships all relationships don’t just happen they take work. When you make a new friend you invest time in them what is the difference with a marriage just because you have fallen in love had the wedding the honeymoon does not mean you are set for life. The size of your dress and wedding guest list does not dictate the success of your marriage I said. All relationships take effort and time and it doesn’t have to be a lot of time but time and quality time. Relationships are soooo much work I emphasised and sometimes its fun other times its hard you just have to want it bad enough and..

And she cut me off you wonder if it’s worth it because the non FIFO people you hang out with seem to be so much happier…

Really I asked?

Yeah it’s all so easy for them.

Right I said so you think that everything for them is easy. They don’t need to talk to each other about anything you think because their partner works at ‘home’ that everything works out?

Yeah kinda..is how she replied.

Our conversation ended and moved back to the chicken and me saying its fine because sometimes there are people who need an excuse of why things didn’t work out rather than the reality that they didn’t want to work it out. Relationships and good ones don’t have room for excuses it’s really as simple as that.

Big Love

Deb

{image with thanks to here}

I as I type this husband is helping the kids set up a movie theater in the shed it’s a desperate attempt to get our TV and lounge room back for just one night. I am betting they will last just 20 minutes before shuffling their way back inside and the whole hour-long production of getting TV and chairs out there will be a wasted effort and he will more frustrated by bring it back in half an hours time than he is trying to wrangle three excited boys out there in the first place.

Yet the things you do to get a piece of your house back even just  for 20 minutes..

So how was your week? For me the week passed was awesome I had my Master D as he took ill so couldn’t go to daycare and then his mother became unwell and so we have had a baby in the house for a few days and a night. I loved it yes siree. More babies for me? No way. Loved having him loved it but babies are work {good work but I’m past that}. So much work and I have done it three times over but I must say when you’re not tired you can do anything. What I did find was a few forgotten secrets and then rediscovered the first mummy syndrome again; and you can shove that right up your backside I should say it affects some mothers not all but I met two today and they were severely effected. OMG.

So as this day comes to a close I am looking forward to tomorrow my favourite day of the week? Do you have one? Anyway these are the few things running through my head.

1. Researchers have found that comfort doesn’t really bring you comfort? Really they have clearly never had BBQ chips with Freddo frog chasers here.

2. Brittany died with dignity last week and I can’t stop thinking about her and how brave she was here.

3. Polio has almost been eradicated here don’t care what you say that’s just awesome.

4. I know it’s another country I know but still it doesn’t make sense to me here.

5. And finally laid to rest..science at its best here.

And last weeks well this weeks posts here marriage advice nine, listening to the universe and baby wearing.

Much love

Deb

 {image with thanks to artist Jennifer Hui here}

I posted this picture of myself and Master D on Facebook yesterday and apparently I was baby wearing. And I was in fact wearing him in a baby sling that I made out of a sheet after all it’s been four years since I have had to wear a baby but I was looking after him and he was unwell. And being unwell he just wanted to be held however being twelve months old and a few kilos and I needing to do stuff something had to give. I had in fact forgotten how much I had relied on that sling when the boys were babies and it was almost the secret how I stayed on top of things with a baby(s).

I discovered baby slings when my PNG neighbour used it on B1 when she was watching him for me she had used a sarong that she had and I used that same sarong for all three of my boys. I must admit I never used it when they were newborns however she did but I didn’t feel comfortable but I did use it when they were older {from about five months} and could support themselves a little.

And I used it a lot right up until they were two and three.

I used the sling when they were sick, grizzly or just wanting mum because as babies that’s what they want. I had forgotten until needing it again for Master D how much I had used it and its one of the secrets to survival I think of being a mum and since I don’t believe in secrets I will tell.

I remember having B1 strapped in the sling and I painting the house he was 18 months old teething and getting the house painted before husband came home from swing. Using the swing it freed up my hands to get stuff done and today even with Master D strapped to my back I did the gardening. It used to make going out so much easier and I was able to exercise and B1 and I would walk miles a day with it and it was so good for ones abs’s and bum.

Traditionally slings have been used for centuries and still are being used westerners have just started using them but we have got all fancy with fabric and padding. And we have called it baby wearing something I only learnt today. I just called it a sling and getting stuff done. I did have a fancy one once but found it to tricky to wear and so I happily stayed with the sarong but it’s each to their own and it’s important that you make an informed choice when it comes to any baby equipment.

And whilst I’m not endorsing any of these options you should always consider the safety of you and your baby these videos are essentially what my PNG neighbour taught me…Excuse the horrid accent but she basically shows you what you need to do for the use with a sheet and this is a close up of the knot and my other favourite is the Moby sling although I never used it as a I never had the patience of the wrap but the African sling is another that my PNG neighbour showed me but I prefered the knot it felt more secure to me.

There are however I am told by the now baby wearing community there are a large amount of support groups on face book and retail options for professionally made slings however a sarong was enough for me.

There secret told.

Much love

Deb

I was sitting on the floor of the hall listening to them. I was a new mum trying to find my feet and I was at a mothers group meeting. It was the first of the mothers group that I tried {I tried a few – so another post there} and they were older and more experienced than me. I thought I would gain something valuable some insight on how to be a great mum being there. It was my second group meeting and it was my second time to sit in silence.

Both times I had sat listening on the floor. Listening and become more disheartened that this was what family life was about. I sat with another young mum looking at her trying to make conversation but it was obvious that whilst we shared some views not all because when she asked me about controlled crying and my thoughts our conversation seemed to cease; so I sat and listened silently not adding to any of the conversation.

Not adding because they were talking about things I didn’t understand and given that I simply had nothing to add because they were things I didn’t understand I sat. I didn’t understand not because it was about attachment parenting about the skunk do or wearing your uggs in public they were talking about their husbands and what they did and didn’t do right. And even though I had a husband I still didn’t get it.

Now I’m no saint and admittedly I will often say to my sister in-law why did I marry him again? Or I will throw my hands and say bloody husbands and I will have had the odd whine about my husband’s ability to contribute possibly half of the worlds methane gas contribution and he about me and my ability to stop listening.To not clean the car or leave my coffee cup every where but we are married. We are bound to annoy each other at some point it is why we got married to each other {surely?}. To annoy them as our favourite person for the rest of their {our} lives. Isn’t that what marriage is about? Riding the waves of annoyances and happiness together?

But this was different.

It wasn’t a whinge that their husbands were not putting away the dishes or taking the kids to school. It wasn’t telling a friend a problem and looking for answers because I wasn’t their friend I had just met them. It was gossip it was hurtful it was personal and it was mean but mostly it was sad because it was about their partners.

So Marriage tip nine. Stop the gossip and start the conversation.

It’s okay to have the odd rib, gripe and giggle over and about your partner. It’s healthy to an extent and if you must then gripe to the right person but if they aren’t doing their end of the deal in what ever is the deal is tell them. Dont tell your mates tell them. It’s a courtesy you owe them, your relationship and your children. Your mate won’t fix them not pulling their weight with the kids. How can they? Your mates won’t stop them from being a lousy unimaginative lover. Only you and they can together after a conversation you have had and a trip to Max Black.

But if you need a little help in starting a conversation then read this it may or may not be helpful.

But gossip generally comes from when you have nothing else to say so perhaps you need to start a conversation about that do a wee bit more self love and so given I didn’t have anything to add to their conversation I never went back and it was as simple as that.

More from the Marriage Tip Series

Marriage tip 1#
Marriage tip 2#
Marriage tip 3#
Marriage tip 4#
Marriage tip 5#
Marriage tip 6#
Marriage tip 7#
Marriage tip 8#

Much love

xxDeb

{Image with thanks to the Sartorialist}