the fifo wife

‘My dad had the audacity to tell me he was tired’ she said.

‘He never asked once how I or the kids were’ she said.

I hummed at her I didn’t know what else to say because FIFO life be it in the mines, offshore, truck driving or defence is often met with resistance, especially from family.

It’s a misunderstood industry. The whys and hows not clear to the outside. Why would you want to be away from your family? They can’t rationalize a little sacrifice now for gain later be it for career or money. Or in many cases quality over quantity.

They don’t understand that the traditional family unit of 9-5 Monday to Saturday no longer exists or they forget this ‘lifestyle’ has been around since merchants ships, traveling sales-man and explorers hit the seas.

We are not the first to live this way and nor are we the last.

Regardless it shouldn’t really matter what the reason is behind your FIFO life but for anyone that has new FIFO family in their lives a few tips for helping them out.

1. Don’t question their decision on how they will cope or how will they manage. They will have already done that. No one goes into a lifestyle like this blind. Your questions will create self-doubt the only thing you need to ask is what can I do?
2. Don’t assume that it wasn’t a joint effort. Don’t play couple off against each other. Nine times out of ten this is a decision made as a family and one that isn’t shouldn’t be together in the first place.
3. Don’t wait for them to call for help with the kids or in general just come. Take them for just a few minutes ask how we are. They will never call.
4. Weekends will always be the hardest. Your five-minute pop in will make all the difference in the world. Make them a coffee do their dishes. Smile. Tell them they are amazing.
5. When the shit hits the fan because they are tired. They have tried, and they are still slowly sinking don’t say I told you so. You should never have done this or what made you think you can. The only thing you should say is what can I do?
6. Ask when those who are working outside the home are home for birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries and parties. We don’t expect your lives to revolve around our rosters but the very thought you have tried your best to include us will go a long way.
7. If there are parties family get-togethers, help them get there. Meet them outside there is nothing worse than walking into a gathering solo trying to scan for a familiar face as you wrangle two toddlers and a baby.
8. Call, email, Facebook, Instagram this life for both the one at home and one at work can be lonely its part of the territory. The time between the kids going to bed or finishing work and bedtime is the loneliest, fill it with love for the in-between times. It’s the in-between times that are the killers for every one.
9. Don’t assume because they signed up for this that they aren’t entitled to support. Everyone is entitled to support. How much they earn or don’t earn isn’t a indicator of that.
10. Just be there for them. They are family after all.

And just so you know we don’t want your pity we are a strong breed of family. We do this for our family. To make it better. We don’t need your pity just your understanding that life regardless of how we live it will have its ups and downs and how it turns out is up to us. But wouldn’t it be nice if you could say we helped a little bit in that success of that too.

xxDeb

I don’t get along with my mother in law she said to me.

We had never met, she was the editor friend of my friend, and they were catching up when the conversations turned to big families.

The café was crowded, and we were squeezed inside around a small table elbowing each other, and I struggled to hear her.

Well, it’s not that we don’t get along she continued with its just that I am at a loss at what I have done. Have been thirteen years.

She was stunning the friend of a friend. I fell in love with her as soon as I met her. She was short like me with a bobbed haircut dressed all in black she oozed style.

‘I don’t know what I have ever done apart from marrying her son, but she has never liked me. I wasn’t good enough from the very start I don’t think’ she said.

‘She was always pleasant, but there was always this wedge being put between my husband ever so sly like’ she said. ‘She would make a comment to my husband about me, and I would be like what? My husband never really saw what was happening until we had children. She would make remarks on how I kept the house or raised the kids but never offered a hand. It’s not a big family either’ she said.

She thought between sips of water ‘but it is a funny one. It’s not dysfunctional but hard to merge in because everyone is at everyone’s back she said.

She moved aside for the coffee that had arrived.

‘So I bobbed away not knowing my place or how to handle them for a long time’ she said. ‘Each year the comments got nastier and harder to take yet what do you do? It’s your loves family and mother after all it can be consuming when you don’t know how to handle something’.

My friend Miss M said ‘I know what you mean your damned if you do and damned if you don’t’

I smiled listening, and she continued.

‘Then one day I decided something needed to be done. I didn’t see the point in talking to them or her especially because well they are never at fault and if anything that would just make it harder and I didn’t want things harder. It was hard enough now.’

She looked across the table to see if I was listening and seeing that I was continued.

‘And it was my mother who told me and, funnily enough, I thought she had a beautiful relationship with her inlaws my grandparents but it seems’ she did not.

‘Like good parents do, she did it for me like she did her husband. So on her advice I learnt my place in the hierarchy of it all and I soon realised I was at the bottom. My sister in law who had been in the family less time than I sat higher than I but I wasn’t surprised. From that point on I behaved accordingly. It’s like a dog pack mentality she said matter factly. They won’t change, so I had to.’ she said.

At this stage, I must have had my mouth hanging open because she said to me. ‘It’s not a bad thing it’s true it has made my life regarding his family functional.I know when to speak when to interact and who I should speak too. I never speak out of turn with anyone in the family; I don’t trust them regardless, so that works fine. I make sure I am never alone with them. I never talk about myself or my children either. I also never contact them unless I have to. If my husband asks, I will do so but otherwise everything runs through my husband. I never make a suggestion or make arrangements. I will never sink to their level. I will send birthday cards and buy appropriate gifts’ she said.

I looked at her astounded then back at my friend Miss M, who said to me I told you she was worth the train trip.

Do they ever ask? I said. Did you speak with your husband?

‘Yes, she said he is aware and understands because he as seen how they treat me and he knows but what can he do. As for them caring about why I stepped right back the answer is no because they don’t care about me but then I don’t them. There is no love lost. Our only connection is their son and brother I do it for him. That’s all that matters.’

From there our conversation turned to children, writing of books and Sydney traffic; however, it was worth the train trip.

 

Husband went back to work today.  This swing we are on a three-week swing, and I have so much I want to achieve in that three weeks. Mostly getting it done it depends on sleep deprivation and visits to the emergency room I kid you not. If anything major is going to happen, it’s going to happen in the next three weeks, and it will be in threes.  

However, we both left the airport smiling, this month there was no tears, tears are rare when the kids are at school and it’s just us. Taking the kids to drop off is gut wrenching in a good way but not. So no tears this time. In a nut shell this month was hard but good because at the last minute we had better understanding of stuff. So drop off was good. He was looking forward to work, and I am or was looking forward to the routine. I like routine it’s my friend, and I can focus on stuff better. Not distracted by him and all his handsomeness.

Funnily enough I have routine for most things  how I hang the washing, clean the house, wash the clothes and so naturally I have a routine the day he goes back to work. Something I only realised yesterday as I repegged the washing he had hung out enforced by my arrival home this morning from the airport run because I immediately did it.

Usually, I get home from dropping him at the airport and turn off the lights because I keep the lights and Tv on because sometimes the house is too quiet when I get home. These things make the house less lonely, less quiet.

I have a coffee too much bread sometimes toasted other times not and sit. I just sit adjusting to the energy because the house is still and its quieter without him here. It’s not bad it’s just different. He creates an energy all his own. I liken it to reconnecting the family. He is that booster in the circuit. We function perfectly well while he is at work but even better with him in the loop.

I clean the house. I wash his clothes, put them away and put his work boots by the door. It’s something I have always done.

I go over accounts and mark out our calendar for the boys. I put in all their activities and when the husband should be home. I try and plan things for the weekends because still after all these years the on-swing weekends and I are not the best of friends.

I write a list of big jobs I want to achieve in between coffees and mouthfuls of bread. I find writing things down helpful. It keeps me on track, and I remember things better. This month I want to do a few things in the garden, I want to my taxes cleaned up and my finances black book updated.

I never cook the first night back at work. Not cooking is one of the ways I give myself a break showing kindness to myself I don’t do that a lot, so not cooking once a week is it. We will either have a breakfast dinner, a snack plate or take away.

Then I just hang out with the kids waiting for the next morning to start the working week in full swing.

And it’s the same every month bring it on I say.

xxDeb

{Content Deb Russo with Image with thanks to here}