Someone asked me once had I read anything that changed my life. Well, this is it. I have to tell you about this book I’m listening to. It’s not a book I intentionally went looking for. Infact, my husband found it by accident and so therefor takes credit when I excitedly tell him something new I have learnt that I find relates to us.
I started reading or in this case, listening, because I wanted to confirm what I knew all long for me and my family at least. I wanted clarification that I wasn’t crazy for wanting to fix with what I thought was the cause of my anxiety in such a simple way.
This book talks about the causes and depression and anxiety, it turns everything I thought on its head. It has me questioning, and yet agreeing all the way through. He writes with a great balance of research, self-reflection and best of all lots of questions about mental health- that I would have asked myself.
This is not my normal read, but if you have struggled with anxiety and depression can I encourage you to give it a go?
I can almost say and this is a big call for me, but it’s been thought and life changing for me.
Lost Connections. Its a big read but I’m devouring it via audible on the way to work.
It is available on Audible and Amazon but this is the audible link. I am such a lover of Audible now!!
From the New York Times best-selling author of Chasing the Scream, a radically new way of thinking about depression and anxiety.
What really causes depression and anxiety – and how can we really solve them? Award-winning journalist Johann Hari suffered from depression since he was a child and started taking antidepressants when he was a teenager. He was told that his problems were caused by a chemical imbalance in his brain. As an adult, trained in the social sciences, he began to investigate whether this was true – and he learned that almost everything we have been told about depression and anxiety is wrong.
Across the world, Hari found social scientists who were uncovering evidence that depression and anxiety are not caused by a chemical imbalance in our brains. In fact, they are largely caused by key problems with the way we live today. Hari’s journey took him from a mind-blowing series of experiments in Baltimore, to an Amish community in Indiana, to an uprising in Berlin.
Once he had uncovered nine real causes of depression and anxiety, they led him to scientists who are discovering seven very different solutions – ones that work. It is an epic journey that will change how we think about one of the biggest crises in our culture today.
I spy with my little eye, something beginning with C……
It wasn’t what I wanted to call my husband at that point. Myself, my husband and 9-year-old son were in a hire car, travelling 1100kms over a week to visit friends and family and attend a wedding. Before this, we had caught 3 flights over 2 days just to get from the remote location we call home.
So you can guess that everyone’s nerves were starting to fry. Mostly from having Master 9 asking constantly if he can have his ipad back and us saying no. We had already done this trip 10 months prior, it was still raw in our minds. So car games it was. Creativity on coming up with new games was low, however it was flowing when it came to I spy guesses.
Master 9 has autism and that definitely gets you thinking outside the box. He has won this game more than us. The one that got us before was “Companies”, as we were driving along the main strip through yet another town. Our mouths say “what a great one, mate!” but our eyes were rolling and I could feel my husbands eyes burning at me.
He wasn’t the only one in the car with creative guesses though, we took a leaf out of his book and started slamming each other with A for automobile, R for rubbish/real estate/ridges, L for letters, W for weeds, F for farm/fields. It comes to hints and you sit there blindly staring out to the middle of nowhere saying “there’s one, there’s another, there’s another”.
I knew I Spy was needing retirement when Master 9 tried to get us with O for oxygen and an argument erupted overseeing oxygen and someone being accused of cheating. In my own head, I was asking if we were there yet.
Another servo, another wing ding. Stretch the legs and call ahead to see if they need more milk, bread, beers. Back in the car. Determined not to break out the iPad so soon, I turned to Pinterest for more car game ideas. No service. Bugger. The iPad whinge happened again and I found myself sounding like my Dad, “back in my day….” Back in my day, we regularly had 12-hour car trips. My sister and I never had ipad’s. We slept, mostly on dirt roads lullabied by the corrugations. Staring out the window was our entertainment. “Look at this beautiful view” I was saying. It hadn’t changed for KM’s. Back to I-Spy it was.
The icing on the cake came on the stretch back up towards where we were attending a family wedding. A 5:30am start, knowing we had to be at the airport in 3.5 hours to pick up another 4 family members. The servo breaky, the child who said he was still full from last night’s dinner and of course the parents who didn’t pay attention to that and forced him to eat his bacon and egg burger. 15 minutes later, I heard it, the splash sound hitting the back of the seat in the hire car. Vomit everywhere and Master 9 saying “I told you I was full”. More eye-rolling. Lucky for us I had some cleaning wipes in the car, purchased purely because it was going to get me bonus points on my rewards card. A quick cold shower thanks to the water freshly purchased and a text ahead to say we were running late. We made it, an hour late and managed to squeeze 7 people, luggage and a baby seat in the hire car and thankly, all had a laugh after that. It was much needed.
Mrs F.
Mrs F lives with Hubby and Master 9 on a small deserted island in a remote community in the NT. After 9 years as a FIFO family, they’ve moved to be a Residential Family. The deserted island is home to many like-minded people who enjoy a game of golf with a sea view and plenty of fishing while occasionally go to work at the mine site.
As the mother of boys, I have been a massive advocate of teaching the boys about sex, and consent since they were little. Discussed always at an age-appropriate level but it’s been an ongoing and evolving conversation; never more so now that we have teenagers in the house. It would be a conversation we talk about regularly.
I think it’s important to mention that consent doesnt always have to relate to sex and so our teachings have been based on other situations because talking consent to a three-year-old or even ten years old regarding sex is a bit uncomfortable for all involved. However, teaching a child no is the same as teaching consent for later on.
How to teach your child consent.
They don’t have to cuddle or kiss people. This was a bit of funny one in my house to start with because its not something we have agreed on. However, this was my reasoning for my decision. I never have forced my children to cuddle or kiss anyone even family. Often this put peoples noses out of joint however I recall being a child and told to cuddle my parent’s friends and I hated it.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like them or had no respect for them I just didn’t want to cuddle them. Cuddling for me was intimate and reserved for my nearest and dearest. I didn’t want my children to have that. family or not doesn’t matter if I child doesn’t want to cuddle encourage them to shake hands or high five. Their body is their body and goes against the teachings of the consent of you do otherwise.
Teach them that no means no, no matter the situation. When the boys were little we would say no or stop and then enforce it with the ‘whys’ to create understanding. When B1 was little a friend was over and they asked if they could do something. I answered with a NO and his mate said quietly it’s just your mum lets do it anyway. Proudly B1 turned to his mate and said but she said No.
Teaching them one no is enough. Recently we have started having conversations with our teenager that if their partner is saying no in an intimate moment but hormones are telling them (and their partner) different, it’s still a no.
Silence is no. This could be argued that silence is consent however I disagree. Too many things happen because someone gets caught up in the moment, and they don’t know how to say no. Often they don’t want to look like a freak or hurt their other feelings.
Often social cues are missed like the case of the comedian Aziz Ansari I remember being a teenager and driving an adult friend home. He asked me to stop in a car park and being the teenager I did. He asked me to get out of the car and I did. We sat at a table in the dark where he kissed me. Throughout the entire time, I was silent and I let him kiss me not because I wanted to but because I was too terrified to speak. He was twenty-five years older than I was and should have known better.
Impairment means no regardless of yes. This is a massive one for us. We have spoken to our teenager and stressed that if someone is impaired by drugs or alcohol, it’s no. Even if they have just had ‘one’ is no. These things as we have explained can affect someone’s ability to make judgements and they will often do things they wouldn’t normally do.
Let them talk about themselves. My kids have spoken about their ‘bits’ ever since they were little. I have never discouraged them or laughed. I only asked that they used the correct language and in an appropriate environment.
Talk about sex from a young age. I have always talked about sex but again at an age-appropriate level. It should always be an honest conversation using the correct terminology. I think that key in making it less awkward. I have never gushed or felt embarrassed about their questions. Knowledge is power. The same talk goes for puberty. We talk openly and frankly about changes going on in their body.
Don’t embarrass them about having girlfriends or boyfriends. Another rule in my house that was a bit of a hard one to swallow was friends asking if they had girlfriends (or boyfriends) when they were six and teasing them about it. I think it shuts things off a bit when the time does come. Not only did I hate it as a kid its a bit icky if you ask me. It’s a bit like calling a child sexy not in my house. No way.
Build confidence and respect for themselves. This is my answer to everything. Its what will see them through the trickiest parts of life; puberty and beyond. It will see them through bullies, bad grades, and broken friendships. Talk to them about their talents, their kindness and their uniqueness. Teach them what is unacceptable behaviour from themselves and others; having confidence will allow them to stand up for disrespectful behaviour.
Social media and reality. With access to the internet and social media, this one came on to my doorstep a little bit earlier than I wanted to in the case of my teenager. A little earlier than we expected and a complete surprise (we have the highest content blockers). It was important that we didn’t shame but explain that social media and explicit material isn’t real life and shouldn’t be an expectation. That the lack of consent in explicit movies is not real life. Fortunately, his curiosity was satisfied and he admitted he found it all a bit too violent and gross.
Ask for their consent to social media. As the boys have got older I have started asking their consent in the posting of images or situations on to social media. I was mindful before but more so now. I must show my understanding of consent as much as them.
Teach them to stop locker room talk. My husband is a massive teacher of this and I couldn’t be prouder. He preaches that you don’t tell your mates anything about your encounters with others. Never kiss and tell and never get involved with derogatory talk about peoples partners or women with their mates. It’s no. You also don’t allow that derogatory talk to happen in front of you or them.
Another lesson is related to internet etiquette they don’t share inappropriate images with their mates, they don’t ask a girl for them and they don’t accept them from a girl. As my husband tells them to allow it to happen is disrespect to themselves and the person being talked about. Recently a young girl on B1’s bus asked if she could send him a picture of her in her bra because she took a fancy to him. To my delight, B1 said no and she should get some respect for herself.
Consent is something that will forever be evolving in our house. Knowledge and talking about the big issues is the only way to create power and change.
How do you talk to your children about consent and sex? Would love to read in the comments below.
How to travel more with less money has become a bit of a game to me now, a bit like my budget. How to stretch my dollar far. Prior to the 7th of July 2018 travel was a priority but in my mind, I had plenty of time but then I got a change in my health and I realised life is short.
It was as I bundled the kids into the car that afternoon; I didn’t care that my health had changed. I only thought about two things. The first was I was eternally grateful my condition wasn’t genetic and two I had not fulfilled my dream to travel the world with my family. Despite the ‘gonnas’ I hadn’t taken my husband to America. I hadn’t travelled to New Zealand and showed my kids where I spent my summers. I hadn’t travelled enough; but then can you ever have travelled enough.
Now I think there is a difference between holidaying and travelling. This post is aimed at travelling. Holidays provide rest and relaxation. Holidays are fancy hotels and a kids club. Travel shows you the world. It gets you down to ground level and teaches you how the rest of the world lives. Its an experience. So, in my opinion, that day I realised we hadn’t ‘travelled’ enough. It was also something I felt an urgency to change- fast.
Since then we have travelled to Japan, Singapore, New Zealand and various places all over Australia. We are in the current planning stages of America with a trip to Darwin and New Zealand booked for in between.
I also have to tell you that we don’t put our travel on to a credit card or a loan. I have made the mistake of placing a holiday on credit card and will never do that again. Pay for it before you go, it makes it so much sweeter and whilst I know that we are in a fortunate position to be able to have leftover dollars this hasn’t come by accident either. It comes down to choices, much like everything in life.
So how to travel more.
Make it part of the budget. Making it part of the budget and having your own travel account is the easiest way to travel more. Whether its $20 or $50 a week, fortnight or month it will see you travelling before you know it. ING Direct has some great saving accounts that offer some of the highest interest rates on the net.
Make it a priority. Some people have ‘boys toys’, electronic toys or an incredible toy car set. We have travel goals. Everything we save for is travel. My boys save specifically for travel. Right now they are frantically saving for a trip to New Zealand we have coming up in February. We have started living even more simply because of our love of travel has grown.
Plan. Whilst some of our travel has been off the cuff the best travel plans have been made with a lot of research. Not only does it make on the ground easier, you get the best deal but everyone can get involved. The boys are responsible for finding one place or experience they want to see or go to.
Don’t be afraid to fly discount. Before the urgency to travel I wouldn’t travel a discount airline. I was simply too scared. However, without a discount airline, we would never have seen Singapore or Japan. You just need to be mindful that you are paying literally for just a seat and everything else is extra. Those extras just like a hotel minibar are crazy expensive.
Join a loyalty program. I am a lover of Qantas frequent flyer points. I am signed up to a credit card that gives me frequent flyer points and I also use the Qantas cash card for the points. We convert our Woolworths reward points. I also downloaded the Qantas wellbeing app for the points. Crazy? Is it worth it? I pay everything and I mean everything on the card and its only effective if you pay off your credit card each month and not making a loss for the sake of a point. Having said that we travel a lot on points but we book them early and can be flexible with our travel dates.
Travel to destinations you wouldn’t normally consider. Prior to my changed mindset, I didn’t really want to travel to Asia. Japan wasn’t somewhere I thought I would like or even love. Singapore more than a stopover now way. These though have been our best travel spots providing some of our best adventures.
Do weekend vacations in your own country. Never discount travel within our beautiful country. Australia has some of the most beautiful spots in the world and its so easy to travel across the country for the weekend and feel like you have been in a different world.
Sign up to Cashback sites. I have raved about these before and while things seem to good to be true; it really is great stuff. Simply book your travel via the cashback apps (you will be redirected to the travel site from there) and it will track you back between 3 and 10% of the total cost of your purchase. It will then deposit into your account which you can withdraw via PayPal or into a bank account. And whilst it might be $2.00 here and $5.00 there everything adds up my friends!! Take a look at these two sites Shopback and Cashrewards.
Use booking sites for your hotels. The introduction of booking sites has made booking so easy. Prior to app’s I was shy about using apps and would always book direct however using a booking site really does find you the best deal. I still recommend checking directly with the hotel but my favourite booking site is booking.com . Air BnB has also been a gamechanger for accommodation options but I’m still a newbie at Air BnB.
Use relocation rentals and house sitting. These are great for when you really need to save a few dollars and don’t mind doing a little work in return for a great deal. We have used relocation rentals with Apollo several times and have loved it. We are hoping to house sitting when we go to America.
Use flight scanner for finding the best deals. I like to use flight scanner to find the best deal but I prefer to book with the airline direct. Going direct means you have full control of the booking whereas if you go via a booking site its much like using a travel agent; they control the booking, which during a problem can make things more difficult. having said that if you aren’t comfortable booking yourself use and agent.
Do you travel much? What are your best tips for travelling more?Comment below and let us know.
If someone could tell you if your relationship would survive the test of time by just looking at you and your partner- would you listen? If they told you it had nothing to do with the size of your wallet, your house or car what would you think?
Well relationship researcher Gottman has an amazing ability based on years of research of being able to tell who will, and wont survive the ups and downs of marriage. Gottman says by watching the social interactions between couples Gottman says he can predict with 94% accuracy who will and wont survive. Gottman calls them the Masters, and the Disasters and apparently their is one key thing that the Masters do that everyone doesn’t.
The key to the happiest of marriages.
Gottman explained in an interview that the Masters have a habit and its so simple. They are always scanning the environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for to their partners. They are building a culture of respect and appreciation purposefully. The Disasters, couples less likely to survive, scan the environment for their partners mistakes, creating contempt and resentment.
This contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there. People who give their partner the cold shoulder—deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally—damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner’s ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.
Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together…And is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. There’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.
There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise.
I think that this is so true. How nice is it come how from work and know that your partner may have started dinner. Or they come home and just take the kids because they can see you just need five minutes to scream, shower or wallow in silence. They see and act on what they can do for you.
And whilst there are many reasons for relationships failing; if you look at what ultimately breaks many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. Instead of focusing on kindness, and letting the pettiness go, they hold grudges. They allow the distractions, and stresses of life pileup and pull each other apart, when all it takes is a little kindness.
What do you think? I would love to hear your experience. You can read the whole article here.Read how to create kindness in your kids here.
