the fifo wife

I lost my patience at the boys over the weekend and had my own little tantrum in the supermarket car park. It was in the car slightly sound proofed but still I’m sure it was still heard by passing motorists..I think I even swore.

The last straw?

What they wanted for lunch. I know simple enough but it was fuelled by what feels like constant nagging, whinging and whining from Friday afternoon the moment we got home from driving four hours across the freaking countryside to see their cousins. I have heard whinging and crying over everything from running out of the right toothpaste, to who sits next to the window, who had the toy first, arguing for them just to eat a little more dinner because all that vomiting has made B3 just a little thinner than I like, right down to who was going to help carry what bag of shopping. And typically I am the only one here listening to that whinging and whiney – yes I know my choice our choice to live this way but this isn’t a complaint its a story there is a difference so bare with me.

So when they started on what was being had for lunch the moment I got in the car, I yelled so loud I think I have damaged my throat. I ripped around in the seat so fast once I heard the bickering commence that I have given my self seat belt burn so husband when you come home that purple mark on my collar bone is not the result of a torrid affair.

They sat stunned as I rattled off how these entire holidays, this entire life is for them, that everyday is for them, that I feel like I’m trying but getting no where and I’m just a wee bit tired for trying to give them everything we can. That having them bicker over everything right down what we are going to have for lunch is making my job today (or then) just a little bit miserable. I didn’t expect them to understand it its something better left for a small room, a couch and a man with a clip board but I said it any way. It felt so good just to say it.

It took all my strength to not call them horrible bratty children because the reality is they are not but I wanted to so badly just because I had the stunned power; for a moment I was a bully for just a minute or in hind sight thats what I was.

Yet the reality its not only just the kids bickering complaining, constantly asking me the same question and calling my name its also the others in my life whose behaviour I cant control or understand but feel a little responsible for even though I’m not but do feel responsible for that is. So Saturday morning it was the final straw for me that bickering over what to have for lunch. Jam sandwiches or Vegemite oh the dilemma of having a choice of lunch. At that moment after struggling through the supermarket, saying No for what seemed a thousand times, down the car park (which is on a god damn hill who builds a supermarket on a hill; seriously) all in the rain. It all seemed to hard and nothing at that moment seemed enough and yes it was little lack self control. It was a tantrum and as got in the car I slammed the door. I had to tell someone I’m giving every ounce of myself. Every ounce. Couldn’t they see that. Cant they meaning the others too see that? No I guess not.

Am I sorry for the out burst that left them in stunned silence and me sobbing in the seat in the middle of a full Woolworth’s car park?

No, sort of, yes all of that at once. As soon as I spun around to hold the steering wheel, gain a little composure and see who if anyone had watched what had occurred. No one or if they did didn’t stick around for what may have come their way. I sobbed. Guilt hit me like a monsoonal storm that I had spoken to my children like that. That I had grabbed my child’s wrist hard knowing I was possibly hurting him or worse scaring him. Guilt that I had lost my patience and that the reality is only I can fix it. Me. So a vow has been made with myself for me despite having made it before I have allowed it to lapse and this this tantrum is the result.

Are you crying my eldest ask. At this point I was calm and I spoke quietly head down. The tears had stopped as quick as that monsoonal down pour arrived. Wasted tears in my book. Tears get you know where but ruined mascara hence why I tint my lashes yes I’m a saver at heart. Do you think I like yelling at you? I said with a heavy sigh. Do you think it makes me feel better? It makes me feel awful like it does you crummy. I hate it. Hate it. I feel like the worst person in  the world. I hate it but I get so (insert swear word at your own leisure) frustrated bubba. I’m doing all that I can for you, your brothers and for everyone else and more and yet its feels like its not enough for you for anyone. Me yelling at you makes me feel like I’m a horrible person and I’m sorry that I have done it.

They sat. Quietly thinking or too afraid to speak I don’t know which. I sat trying just regain my thoughts for a minute.

Then it came.

Its okay mum, I get it said my eldest. Do you? I said not really believing him, he is after all seven years old, he still believes in Santa and the tooth fairy how could he ‘get it’. Yes he said. Your not a horrible person mum your a good person and your our mum and you are doing your job, its a big job. If he was able to read I could have sworn he had read my blog but the reality is reading is as frustrating to him as me being asked the same question ninety times in a row so I have to take his word that he ‘gets it’.

Right I said with a huff.

Yes said B2 the ones whose wrist I had held, the one who I couldn’t look at just yet. Your a good person. Its okay. I’m sorry that I treated you that way he said. I turned and looked at him suspicious. Did he stick something on my back? Because he is five and he would do that. What did you do? I said. I asked you for something I knew I couldn’t have when you said I couldn’t have it just in case I could get you to change your mind.

Yes said B3. That’s all he had to offer but then he is three. I know he doesn’t ‘get it’.

Your a good person mum and we love you B1 said. Trust him to say it he always knows the right thing and when to say. How I don’t know he just does.

Right I said again and I hung my head a little lower. Mother guilt wanting me to slink out of the car park.

Well I said lets see if we can get out of the car park with out an argument over which way to go home. Yes they said in unison.

I wish we I could say we did make it out of the car park without an argument but I would be lying and that’s not what I’m about. And for those of you kind enough to tell me to grow up I am but this tantrum thing will happen again; I know it will but I’m human in enough to understand that and human enough to get that I’m the adult and all that ‘stuff’ but I thank you for your comments will take them on board and please if you must comment send them to the following possible fictional address thankyouforyourjudgment@itstakenonboard.com.au

The quiet bickering commenced as soon I started reversing.

But its okay I just turned up the radio.

xx Deb

 

Dear B3,

What can I say you turn four today. I am not ready for it my last baby is officially no longer a baby it brings a lump to my throat that I am having trouble containing.

You my sweet boy were destined to fill that empty chair in the kitchen long before you arrived on the 02.04.2009 at 2pm. You like your brothers have taught me so much. That parenting is not an exact science and each child must be taught and shown differently. You have challenged me on every level. My patience, my parenting and my own intelligence.

You are a clever boy. Loving and sincere. I love how you climb into bed with me every morning at 2 am and how you say I love you mum without cause. Please never ever let that stop; well maybe climbing into my bed..but you will know when that will be and until then I will relish having you snuggle into me and whisper to me as you drift off to sleep I love you mum. I wait for that.

You love to dance, sing and play the drums. Scooby Doo and dinosaur train are your thing right now and I love how we watch Peppa Pig together in the afternoon because its your favourite and mine.

Everything is your ‘favourite’ just as you are mine.

You are my favourite number three boy.

Happy fourth birthday baby boy,

xx Mum.

Remember Michael J Fox? Loved him as a kid and a teenager. So when I came across his New York home published in AD magazine just had to share.

Its rather stylish you think? They had a little help from the interior design firm Gomez and associates to help deck it out.

Have a great Tuesday,

xx Deb

Yesterday was Easter Sunday we went skiing and tubing. I’m a now feign on the biscuit..although I’m paying the price this morning. I can barley lift my arms and breathing is something that hurts. I’m hoping its my muscles reintroducing themselves to me again rather than a broken rib after my gentlemen of husband ribbed the tube from under me on more than one occasion as we went pelting across the water at full speed.

We were tubing together. A first. We were competitive. We were Debbie and Forrest and it was great. Our kids watched on in the boat in front of us. Seeing us as Debbie and Forrest not as mum and dad and they loved it. What they didn’t love and what I did was how daddy was being ‘mean’ to mum and mum obviously loosing. What was even better..the tongue lashing they gave him when finally after much tussle and throw he succeeded. It for both of us wonderful.

So I sit here sore, happy and waiting with baited breath because its April Fools my husbands idea of Christmas and my idea of hell. Here is my few things for this April Fools Day the first day of April (obviously; can you believe its the start of the FOURTH month?)

1. While at the dam yesterday the Red Bull Promo girls pulled up. Long haired, tanned, slim and wearing just enough they were cute perhaps hot for some. Ignoring the ladies at our ‘camp’ they commenced flirting with the boys. The boys responded accordingly. It doesn’t matter how old men are they are its the same reaction to a pretty girls. Personally I don’t care if my husband looks at a pretty girl. I’m not the jealous type just not not when I love a equal good look too. Its fun and I know my husband is my husband. However my sister in-law slightly more liberal in her thoughts on such matters looked at me not sure weather to be offended by the girls obvious exclusion of us, her husbands reaction and the young girls limited dress. I looked at her. Its okay I said They are doing their job and doing it very well and one day they too may have children. Right she said and went happily about her business.

2. It was so nice having a house full its even nicer getting it back. In three days we went through 16 litres of milk, 12 rolls of toliet paper and three boxes of Weetbix. We wont go into how much chocolate was consumed by six kids and seven adults because it may or may not impress you but don’t worry its once a year and my kids don’t sit in front of a TV, i-pad, computer, i-pod, a DS Nintendo, a wii or any other electrical device that cause them to sit stationary for hours on end …we have a thing called a back yard..I brought it with them in mind and I’m getting my moneys worth.

3. We couldn’t go camping this weekend so the kids set up the tent on the veranda wasn’t the same but it kept them happy..sigh..mother guilt I cant give them what I had..

4. I went and got professionally fitted for a new bra last week. Yesterday my brother in law asked if I had a boob job; my sister in law was to shy to ask or so he says. You want to know something just ask. I should have done it years ago. Wait I couldn’t because I have had children using them as a feeding mechanism a very worth while cause but lets be realistic Thelma and Louise will never look at the same again. The bra fitter told me to pop my new bra on I told her after three kids I would lift and pour instead.

5. Its B3 birthday tomorrow. I don’t do birthdays very well. I cry. A Lot. He will be 4. He is officially not a baby any more. Its going be a tough one.

6. Wanting to organise your home then you must head here after you have read this riveting stuff of course.

7. I am loving that the Swedes are using real life sized mannequins in department stores. Head here to have a look. They look awesome. They look so real I’m not sure that displaying dresses will be their only purpose.

8. Found some nice lady erotic sites..will share them during the week..ahem..if I have the courage..its to help get the ‘mood’ going…the things I do for you..press the like button to let me know if would like me too..its morse code for bring it on…seriously.

9. Rhianna and Chris brown may have called it quits here’s hoping.

10. Next time your husband is determined to get you into a pair of Louie heels..be a little cautious..a Japanese man as tried killing a woman by lacing her shoes with poison. Read more about it here.

So with those few things off my mind and the scream of my husband asking me what the hell am I doing I’m off. Have a great Easter Monday.

How do cope with your kids birthdays?Do you mind your husbands looking at a pretty girl? and what’s your thoughts on female erotica? 

xx Deb

I’m worried about B1 she said to me last Sunday as we sat underneath the leafy tree watching the kids play on the water slides. She is my mother and she has come to visit. I looked at her. Why I said waiting for a purging amount of concern. A build up of six months of not having seen her grand children all coming out in this one very long breath. Well for starters he is so thin and second he is so shy its pathetic. Pathetic hmm. I said the word pathetic in my head again. She went on to describe a situation of his ‘shyness’. I listened. I waited for the FIFO excuse. That his father being at work was the reason. It didn’t come.

I then stopped thinking for a minute. I stopped trying not too panic and rationalised all that she had to say. B1 is my child where I believe I have done everything wrong from the start. He is the one where by I didn’t listen to my instincts with. He is the one who suffered through my tiredness, my anger and my depression. He is the one I fear I have fucked up the most. Now given I never use the ‘f’ word that’s how scared I am I have fucked him up. That his shyness his lack of confidence in himself is my fault. So to not a fall into a panic underneath that mango tree Sunday afternoon as my mother expressed her concern took all my strength because despite all of those irrational thoughts and that’s what they are irrational I finally think I’m doing okay. But and there is always a but with B1- but- of all the things in the world he is probably the one thing I over react the most with.

So I listened and carefully chose what I had to say more for my sake than hers. Finally having learnt the art of communicating. Well I said first off addressing her concern on his being thin he is having a growth spurt. I know that because of how much he is eating and the fact that that t shirt I said pointing to him playing in the play ground that I brought him last month doesn’t fit him any more. He is seven and he is growing fast. His father is 6ft’5 with a size 18 shoe. I don’t think he is going to take after me with the size of those feet. She listened and smiled. I expressed that I understood and appreciated her concern and I do. I could see her considering everything I was saying. And as a shy person myself I said I am handling it. Bull dozing him and telling me its pathetic is not encouraging. I didn’t mean it like that she retorted its just that..I interrupted her a notoriously bad habit of mine but poor choice of words is hers.

I understand your concern about his shyness I said but its not a helpful concern for me; its not productive telling me its pathetic. I understand about being shy but saying it like that is like when an adult screams louder when they become aware that he is shy. Its not going to fix it instantly. Its not helpful. Infact its down right scary to a child when and adult raises their voice and says your not shy are you? Well clearly they are shy and clearly has they hide behind their mothers skirt that you are scaring them. There is nothing wrong with being shy I said. It can be debilitating to him she responded. Yes I said it can and if I think its interfering with his social growth then I will at that point seek medical advice because that’s when it goes from shyness to a social anxiety disorder but as shy person who has dealt with it my entire 36 years I regard myself as pretty much a success; mostly. She sat quiet not really believing me. I can tell she didn’t at that point because she goes huh yep yep just as I go hmmm when I’m not really believing a story being told to me.

There are lots of shy successful people in the world I continued trying to prove my point finally getting to use my love of useless information. Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Olivril Wright were all shy and where would we be without them? Then there is entertainers like Carrie Underwood, Barbra Striesland, Johnny Depp, Heath Ledger and Elvis Presley they all suffer from shyness. So does Bill Gates and Google CEO Larry Page and look at their success. And I continued that 40% of the population have suffered from shyness at some point in their life and that shyness is often brought on by something that happens to them in their childhood. For him (B1)its his hearing and speech. Him being picked on as a toddler because no one could understand him. So standing there yelling at a seven years old that there is nothing to be shy at is not helpful if anything it will make it worse. There is nothing wrong with it he is just more sensitive than most. If we were all a little shy the world would be a much quieter place.

Besides I said to her being shy has its good qualities and I have seen  that with him. He judges situations far better than his brothers, he judges people far better than his brothers and research shows this too. When he makes friends its for life because he is so cautious about who he likes and who he doesn’t. Being shy means he is a lot more focused and gets the job done properly not half hearted but in detail. He listens better to his peers and makes more of an effort to understand and get it right. He looks at the risks of the situation and studies show that ‘shy’ people make better gamblers because they asses the pros and cons better. And you might like to know that only 15% of the population are outgoing all the time I smiled happily realising that information was not so useless.

In the mean time I said to her I am doing what you did for me. Remember? I am working on getting him comfortable with himself. I am not forcing him to do anything he doesn’t feel comfortable with. Meaning I am not trying to make him the extroverts that his brothers are. I don’t put him on the spot; the more you push him the more he will retreat and it takes a lot of work to get him back. I am ignoring the not so good like how he cant say the first hello to someone he has known for years and encouraging the great like how he was able to ask for help when he needed it the other day at the pool. I try not to tell label him as shy; he has enough going on with him. Labeling him as shy especially in front of him that’s just something else he may think is wrong with him.

She looked at me and smiled. Yes he is a happy child she said despite being shy. There was that word again. Yes he is I said. And your right she said thank Christ I thought if we were all a little bit more quiet and cautious the world would be a much more gentle place. Yes I said to her now there is nothing pathetic about that is there?

xx Deb