I’m worried about B1 she said to me last Sunday as we sat underneath the leafy tree watching the kids play on the water slides. She is my mother and she has come to visit. I looked at her. Why I said waiting for a purging amount of concern. A build up of six months of not having seen her grand children all coming out in this one very long breath. Well for starters he is so thin and second he is so shy its pathetic. Pathetic hmm. I said the word pathetic in my head again. She went on to describe a situation of his ‘shyness’. I listened. I waited for the FIFO excuse. That his father being at work was the reason. It didn’t come.
I then stopped thinking for a minute. I stopped trying not too panic and rationalised all that she had to say. B1 is my child where I believe I have done everything wrong from the start. He is the one where by I didn’t listen to my instincts with. He is the one who suffered through my tiredness, my anger and my depression. He is the one I fear I have fucked up the most. Now given I never use the ‘f’ word that’s how scared I am I have fucked him up. That his shyness his lack of confidence in himself is my fault. So to not a fall into a panic underneath that mango tree Sunday afternoon as my mother expressed her concern took all my strength because despite all of those irrational thoughts and that’s what they are irrational I finally think I’m doing okay. But and there is always a but with B1- but- of all the things in the world he is probably the one thing I over react the most with.
So I listened and carefully chose what I had to say more for my sake than hers. Finally having learnt the art of communicating. Well I said first off addressing her concern on his being thin he is having a growth spurt. I know that because of how much he is eating and the fact that that t shirt I said pointing to him playing in the play ground that I brought him last month doesn’t fit him any more. He is seven and he is growing fast. His father is 6ft’5 with a size 18 shoe. I don’t think he is going to take after me with the size of those feet. She listened and smiled. I expressed that I understood and appreciated her concern and I do. I could see her considering everything I was saying. And as a shy person myself I said I am handling it. Bull dozing him and telling me its pathetic is not encouraging. I didn’t mean it like that she retorted its just that..I interrupted her a notoriously bad habit of mine but poor choice of words is hers.
I understand your concern about his shyness I said but its not a helpful concern for me; its not productive telling me its pathetic. I understand about being shy but saying it like that is like when an adult screams louder when they become aware that he is shy. Its not going to fix it instantly. Its not helpful. Infact its down right scary to a child when and adult raises their voice and says your not shy are you? Well clearly they are shy and clearly has they hide behind their mothers skirt that you are scaring them. There is nothing wrong with being shy I said. It can be debilitating to him she responded. Yes I said it can and if I think its interfering with his social growth then I will at that point seek medical advice because that’s when it goes from shyness to a social anxiety disorder but as shy person who has dealt with it my entire 36 years I regard myself as pretty much a success; mostly. She sat quiet not really believing me. I can tell she didn’t at that point because she goes huh yep yep just as I go hmmm when I’m not really believing a story being told to me.
There are lots of shy successful people in the world I continued trying to prove my point finally getting to use my love of useless information. Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Olivril Wright were all shy and where would we be without them? Then there is entertainers like Carrie Underwood, Barbra Striesland, Johnny Depp, Heath Ledger and Elvis Presley they all suffer from shyness. So does Bill Gates and Google CEO Larry Page and look at their success. And I continued that 40% of the population have suffered from shyness at some point in their life and that shyness is often brought on by something that happens to them in their childhood. For him (B1)its his hearing and speech. Him being picked on as a toddler because no one could understand him. So standing there yelling at a seven years old that there is nothing to be shy at is not helpful if anything it will make it worse. There is nothing wrong with it he is just more sensitive than most. If we were all a little shy the world would be a much quieter place.
Besides I said to her being shy has its good qualities and I have seen that with him. He judges situations far better than his brothers, he judges people far better than his brothers and research shows this too. When he makes friends its for life because he is so cautious about who he likes and who he doesn’t. Being shy means he is a lot more focused and gets the job done properly not half hearted but in detail. He listens better to his peers and makes more of an effort to understand and get it right. He looks at the risks of the situation and studies show that ‘shy’ people make better gamblers because they asses the pros and cons better. And you might like to know that only 15% of the population are outgoing all the time I smiled happily realising that information was not so useless.
In the mean time I said to her I am doing what you did for me. Remember? I am working on getting him comfortable with himself. I am not forcing him to do anything he doesn’t feel comfortable with. Meaning I am not trying to make him the extroverts that his brothers are. I don’t put him on the spot; the more you push him the more he will retreat and it takes a lot of work to get him back. I am ignoring the not so good like how he cant say the first hello to someone he has known for years and encouraging the great like how he was able to ask for help when he needed it the other day at the pool. I try not to tell label him as shy; he has enough going on with him. Labeling him as shy especially in front of him that’s just something else he may think is wrong with him.
She looked at me and smiled. Yes he is a happy child she said despite being shy. There was that word again. Yes he is I said. And your right she said thank Christ I thought if we were all a little bit more quiet and cautious the world would be a much more gentle place. Yes I said to her now there is nothing pathetic about that is there?
xx Deb
