the fifo wife

We are doing things a bit back to front this week but Monday was a holiday I had a piece in my head I just had to get out and so here we are. Wednesday already and three boys at school with minimal tears spilt; by me.

I thought the last few day would be like pulling teeth but instead it flew by even though we were confined mostly indoors as we watch the rain and wind race around us like crazy.

So here are the few things running through my head this very wet and windy  few things day.

1. I am finally able to eat normally and so after a week of very little food I am pleased to say skinny jeans be mine..however almost doing yourself in with a flea bomb is not the way to get yourself into a pair of skinny jeans however I am not knocking back the results.

2. There is a cyclone being called by the media as a mega storm..its a category 1. A beach gale is stronger than that..no wonder people get scared however I am sure their profit margin will increase between now and its land fall date however do not become complacent prepare not panic.

3. I lost my patience with a tourist whilst at the island over the weekend. Not my proudest moment but its true when you travel you must leave your brain at home. To the people of Paris and the UK I am making my apologies in advance.

4. Does anyone else get Madison Ashley emailing them wanting them to be f*ck buddies? I don’t know how she got my email address and I am so flattered she asked but I wish she would stop she is embarrassing herself.

5. My boys went back to school yesterday each of them said thanks mum for a good holiday..B3 whose its first day told me you can go mum..I could have cried and I did in the private of my kitchen but I was so proud we did good.

6. I am currently writing up notes to leave around the house for my boys to find whilst we are a way on our jaunt. I have done it before when I have gone away and I know the kids love it. Seems this dad has done it to his reasons a little more gut wrenching than mine.

7. Ever snooped? Yeah  ahem me neither..

8. How cool are these light bulbs here.. a light bulb is not just a light bulb by the way.

9. I am trying to work out if Bieber is a tool or is just growing up with no one giving him the right direction because they are to busy enjoying his fame and money.

10. A simple diet trick.

Have a great day sweets.

xx Deb

 

This is not right he said. What is going on?

I was in tears again. We were fighting about our love life or lack thereof again. Our love life was at this time non-existence. We were not the same couple and it wasn’t because we now had a 4, 2, and a 1-year-old., or was it Once upon a time, there were days where being in bed was how we spent our days. So it was a no wonder we were at this point; again.

I don’t understand he said.

I did but I didn’t know how to say it without upsetting him. The love of my life; someone who meant the world to me. How could I not want to be physical with my husband? He was and is a fine-looking man, so good to me and would go to the ends of the earth for me and our family. So what was the problem?

He sat on the edge of the bed as I sat curled covering myself with a towel. He sat, head in his hands looking at the floor. I looked at him, I was tired as the hot tears flooded down my cheeks. I knew sex meant love to him. It’s not just sex to him its love and at the moment I wasn’t giving him any love. None for months.

We had argued about our non-sex life so many times and me saying I am just so tired wasn’t cutting it anymore.

There was, however, something in his body language, his voice that told me this was now important and my only time to tell because pretty soon he would stop asking or caring. I pulled the covers up to completely cover myself. Come here I said trying to pull him over to me.

He wasn’t budging. He was done listening to more excuses he wanted to hear the truth whatever that was. He came over in the end and settled down next to; but away from me.

I am tired I said. He looked at me with a look that said I have heard that before. I quickly added ‘but listen please’ before he switched off; it’s not your fault, and I love my life and this isn’t a complaint. This is not about you. I love you and I miss being with you but the fact is I have three little people crawling all over me 24 hours a day.

I am a human climbing gym and when I’m not a climbing gym. I’m cleaning them from their bum to their teeth. Then I have to feed them not only with the food I produce but from my own body. My breasts don’t even belong to me anymore I said they are a feeding instrument. I love them, I love being a parent but I never really understood how much they would take from me.

His body language began to change as the penny started to drop. I do this on my own for four weeks at a time and I am not complaining and you are the best husband, father, and amazing lover I couldn’t ask for more but I am so tired. Yes, I get a break when your home but I’m still working even when you are home. I’m still the climbing gym, the food producer its just when your home they have more options. 

Hmm is what he said. I continued because this was the deal maker or breaker.

And I know I have been saying this a long time but I have been doing this a long time; five years. Five years is a long time when your this sleep-deprived. And I know its what we wanted but I was never prepared for this. By ‘this’ I meant being a parent, being tired, exhausted, and lonely. Nobody told me that this would happen. So come the end of the day, I don’t want anyone else touching me, anybody else wanting something more from me. It’s not personal. And I know one day they won’t need me anymore and I know you do but you understand- they don’t.

I love you and yes I want to be with you, but my body doesn’t want to play. My body is tired. I am done by the end of the day. It’s like you still doing the 16-hour shift at home for another four weeks, something would have to give I said to him. And then I said there is the way I look.

But I love the way you look he said

I hate the way I look I interrupted. Perhaps naive but I thought my body would return to how it would on its own.

But you have had three babies he said.

Still, I hate it and I don’t tell me differently right now, but I think I’m ugly and I’m tired. Those two are not a great combination. I don’t look the way I remember. I don’t feel anything but tired ugly. I continued on with, you, however, look finer than when I met you which was and is true. Why wouldn’t I want you I said cuddling him as he rolled closer; the divide between us closing.

Well, he said returning to his smart-alec self with a smile.

These aren’t excuses I said to him, I just need time and you have been so patient already. I also know how important this is and it’s not about me being a yes-no girl. I’m not that girl who determines when and we won’t have sex. I. am.just.so.tired.

Okay is all he said.

I didn’t know if it made any sense to him. He did, however, give me time and it wasn’t a long time after that, and I don’t think he regrets it.

It’s all I needed.

Now the only thing stopping longs days in bed when he is home is the children knocking on the door.

Xx Deb

{image source here with thanks}

How are you handling him going to school husband asked me this morning. I held my breath..stopped speaking and waited for the wave  to pass..we were silent. He asked again. I murmured out fine but it was in audible between the deep breathing the kind you do to refrain from the ugly cry.

 

Oh the ugly cry.

Generally I don’t cope well with milestones. I am glad they have made them. Proud of them but then there is this underlying sense of panic that change is happening so fast and ultimately things will soon be out of my control. However this time this is not what this was about because secretly I am looking forward to him starting school.

Well he said how are you feeling about it.

Ugly control reigned in I said it again fine. Then went back to watching B3 the boy we were currently talking about make his own strawberry jam toast an entrée to the porridge I was yet to make.

And you I said how are you handling the fact our last baby is off to school?

Its different for me and I am different to you he said I don’t see my baby boy growing up leaving home like you do. I just see him changes in him everyday. I don’t see any further than that.

Right I said.

Well I said it’s not that I said right now it’s not the fact he is growing up its did I do right by him these past five years. Did I spend enough time with him, was I to cranky, did I do enough for him. Bloody mother guilt. I then went on to think how bloody excited and scared I am that I will have six hours of a day to make a another place in the world for myself; Debbie the girl who likes, vintage and to write a little. And as scared as that makes me that that fact right there I am sure will make me an even better mum. But I didn’t say that because I was to busy keeping the ugly cry at bay however if I did explain it would make me seem less quirky or perhaps not.

My husband sighed and nothing more was said. Like he said we are different. And he is such a clever man. He knows you can’t argue or reason with someone whose last baby is off to school, is suffering mother guilt both good and bad and has had broken sleep because that last baby still wakes during the night to go to the toilet and is afraid of the dark.

Yet deep down I know I did the best I could and I can’t do more than that and if truth be known just like the cold feet of a bride it will pass because I got it with B2 and B1 before him. And as the very clever Rebecca said the other day this is merely long service leave.

Still I will take the advice of B1 and get some sunglasses for Tuesday mum.

xx Deb

{Image is the fifo wife taken at 1:30am this morning}

 

 

My neighbour’s daughter said to my son this morning are you coming over to play this morning. No he said we are going to the doctors mum doesn’t feel good.

Not even thirty seconds later my neighbour had my boys and the rest of my day planned. Doctors and bed. I love her. I know her well she is my family and vice versa yet my whole street is like that…with the exception of the city dwellers who make use of their holiday homes once a month and they are different sigh

We know them but not and that’s okay their choice but the benifits of getting to know your neighbours can be awesome like today. Apart from right now I have slept and rested. Rested yes a that word that doesn’t usually go in the same sentence as parent hood.

My neighbours and not just the one at my back fence aren’t in my pocket but they watch out for me and me for them..if my back door doesn’t open they call..they drop by when a storm is a about..they take my kids without being asked and I them. I have a community within my community and its awesome.

So if there is one thing you do this year attempt to get to know your neighbours can’t recommend it enough unless of course they creep you out with their back yard midnight digging..

Do you know your neighbours? 

xx Deb

 {image source with thanks}

I would be lying if I said I was in a good mood this morning however I know by the end of writing the few things I will be in a damn site better mood because writing like the pounding of my feet on my treadmill does that to me.

So I’m in a bad mood because ultimately I feel terrible..I look like the elephant woman. I had an allergic reaction to the chemicals I handled on Saturday. With the heat we had last month we had an explosion of fleas and so to break the cycle I limed under the house, flea bombed, flea dipped all said animals then flea pipped them on the neck then just to be extra sure I flea collared them. Amongst all that I Bagoned all crevices, washed and bleached the walls and floors.

Determined to get those suckers was I.

However my house and body hasn’t seen that many chemicals in its life. So this is the end result a house with no fleas no ants no nothing but one very cranky mummy who looks like the elephant woman.

Urgh.. but enough about me ..let’s turn this frown upside down here are the few things running through my head.

1. Why do people insist on walking up to me when I have three large dogs on a chains with their two small dogs who are obviously suffering small dog syndrome- it will not end well.
2. I am missing my family. My husband and my parents. I am missing them. Its simple.
3. The good news with looking like the elephant woman its painful to eat you know what that means- skinny jeans sweet things.
4. Next Sunday I am starting my trip to Paris. Wholly crap. I will be posting my trip over here and here as my jaunts may not be what you signed for here. So its your choice to hear how many snails I have eaten or dog messes I have stepped in.
5. I have to go jean shopping this week..sigh..that’s as painful as going swim suit shopping.
6. Tina and Amy’s take on motherhood.
7. One of my favourite shows is Teen Mom if I had watched this before kids I would never had them so it’s not surprising to hear that its contributed to the decline in birth rates in teens.
8. Loving this lingerie and brand that uses real woman AND doesn’t photo shop..sigh thank god..
9. I am always looking for the music to get me through my run on the treadmill well this is what science deems the ultimate play list.
10. I wonder if the whole world will celebrate his birthday?

 

And just like that I feel better..have a great day sweets.

xD