the fifo wife

Its Sunday. I tried to lay in bed like I want to like Sundays are meant for like I do when husband is home. I’m tired but I have slept all night. It didnt happen the lying in bed part. I had two pulling at my arms and another at the bed covers. Get up mum.

I got up made breakfast as command porridge for two (to which they didn’t eat) and weetbix and sugar to whom didn’t wash up. I precede to just sit in the lounge. Watching the news. Wanting to do nothing.

I know whats coming next if I don’t really really get my crap together. I do. I don’t want to admit it but I do. I know I do because I dreamt of him last night like I always do when that horrible black shadow is just up the street and around the corner. By him I don’t mean my husband I mean my ex-boyfriend. Its seems odd calling him that..ex boyfriend. He hasn’t been in my life for almost thirteen years now. Its strange but every single time I dream of him and he was a good man I have to say. I’m tinkering on the edge of that fine line of getting my crap together or falling back to that mess I was two years ago. Its happened twice now. I think its my body my brain telling me get your freaking crap together. I’m giving you the message. Im warning you fix it now or suffer the consquence and its usually at this point I relax, accept and let go. Stop trying to do it all. I cant. I know that. This time Im finding it a little harder.

I looked it up once. Dreaming of an ex partner. It said that its meaning was to be making the same mistakes. Im doing that.

Husband calls. I don’t like to tell him when I’m like this but he asks again and again like a two year old wanting a chocolate. He knows there is something wrong. I don’t like to worry him. He is to freaking far away to do anything about it but obsesses about it making himself cranky at himself. Besides its my problem not his. To tell you the truth I say I’m not okay I tell him. I miss you. I’m tired but I have slept all night and I’m so freaking cranky. I hate it. I’m so so cranky that you left early. There is silence on the other end. Its a rarity that I tell him that I miss him and tell him that I’m not okay.

I thought I was okay. I thought I had it under control but I haven’t. Its as simple as that.

You know I have been doing this thirteen years. Thirteen freaking years. Why is this crap happening now? Why is my mind starting to falter now. I’m not liking it. Its because you do it all that’s why he says. I love you. Your the best mum and wife in the world. I ignore him. Its easier than crying. You think its hard when they are babies. No give me a house of babies any day. I’m great with babies. I’m the queen that’s one thing I can do. Toddlers preschoolers and kids not so good. All there wants and needs. Its tiring. Its exhausting and frustrating.

Can you start taking those meds again? he asks. Its the only solution he has. I don’t want my mum here again. I don’t need her here again. Its not that bad. I don’t want her telling people I needed her help like I’m an incompetent git.

I don’t want to take them I tell him. I will just suck it up. He has no other solution. He changes the subject. I change it too.

The sun is out today so maybe we will go on a picnic.

xxDeb

When FIFO husband started working FIFO it really was seemed like mans industry there wasn’t a lot of women out on rigs and vessels and if there was I just assumed they were older women. He spoke about them often Mary Jane said this or did that and I asked after them. Usually there were one or two women and that was rare. I never worried they were just another workmate and I have always thought of these women as those that had seen better days or had seen too many days in the sun. Women that sometimes got mistaken for men. Get my drift? Yes I know my bad and I don’t know why- I just did.

It never worried me and it still doesn’t. I’m not the jealous type. I’m just not it’s not in my DNA. I have never worried about FIFO husband developing a relationship out on the rig or vessel but I know that it happens. He tells me about it but I have never worried about it with him because I know him and what he expects of me and what I in turn expect of him and so in 15 years I have never worried. Well I’m lying there I have never worried about it but it has crossed my mind that perhaps one day it may happen. I mean it must get lonely out there and as I said to him loneliness and dark corners can do things to a person. I know how lonely I get after all. It’s both sides of the fence.

So imagine my surprise when flicking through his camera looking at his Christmas snaps and I’m seeing pictures of pretty little blondes and brunettes. Not at all what I was expecting. Are these the office girls I asked? Nope that’s Mary Jane and Belinda. What? I asked with a slight pitch to my voice. He looked at me and smiled. Knowing what he was thinking I just casually said I always imagined that they looked different that’s all. I imagined wrinkles, grey hair, turkey jowls, not shiny flowing hair, perfect pouts and was that eye liner I spied?

Worried? He asked with a cheeky grin. He knows my opinions about ahem sex…I believe sex can be sex…yet as I get older, married longer, invested longer that opinions is slightly waning I will be honest. He doesn’t agree. He believes sex isn’t just sex. Its special which I agree with but sometimes it’s not you know? Having said that I’m monogamous through and through but I have always felt that way. When I was single and I’m emphasis single I played that way…many times. But when you enter a relationship it’s a different matter entirely.

Nope I said trying not to have nervous giggle just because they have just stepped out of vogue magazine despite being in the middle of the freaking ocean. I’m sure that they can’t offer you what I can I said with a wink. No he said they can’t. Why I thought they where anything apart from stunning young beautiful women is beyond me. It’s really put me in my place. After all this modern day not the fifties and I’m a firm believer women can and should anything and everything if they so desire. It’s alluring and as I said before sexy.

So have I started to worry? Am I the least be jealous? No. I still hold true I don’t worry but if it happens I have asked him the courtesy to tell me. We have chatted more about it especially since he is now working with a Natalie Portman look alike his celebrity crush. It’s all about open communication this FIFO thing and it’s the humiliation and deceit that’s most hurtful in situations like these. I continue to ask after these girls and he continues to tell me. I’m not jealous but I will admit though I have started to lift my game and I understand now why he ‘lifted’ his game. I’m not going back to the fifties or any of that rubbish and I don’t totter around the house in heels and French maid outfit (that would scare the kids and the neighbours) but I’m sure not lounging around in his oversized shirts any more.

Have a great Friday friends,

xxDeb

So I was still in a down right mood yesterday morning. Slamming doors, yelling at th kids, kicking the dog (not literally) and cursing every step of the way as you do when your as frustrated as hell that you are doing this all alone again. Poor me was my mentality. I was on fire in terms of my mood and well aware I was making the kids dodge and weave as they got ready for school. Almost feeding from their frenzy to get out of my way. So adult like. So bully like but I felt so in control of that I had now control of anything else.

I raced into town to drop off B2 and B3 at kindy and daycare. NO time to see your stuff today kids I have important business like feeling sorry for myself and being an absolut bitch.I got home only to see that B1 had forgotten his reader. Bloody hell I yelled as I snatched it from the table and strode across to the school. I stopped at the school gate took a breath and put on my I’m as happy as crazy women face and wander into the school like I was perfectly in control.

I walked into the classroom. He was alone again, sitting at his desk drawing. Damn it I said to myself. I dropped his reader into a basket not taking note of which one and I walked up to his desk. He has moved up to year one this year and I was sure that this would be his year to shine and mingle. He jumped up when he saw me and gave me the biggest hug. He hadn’t expected to see me but he was glad that I was there. All that feeling of frustration and self pity was replaced with damn it I did it again and you better get your crap together women. Hey bub I said as I sat down to look at his stuff.

B1 called his teacher is this your reader? Asked his teacher. You put it in the wrong basket. Oh that was me I said. Oh well B1 is this one she said with out a big deal but with a hugh smile. She had been his prep teacher and moved up with him. I looked at the basket. Looked at her then at the education poster on the wall behind her. It was depicting reading levels and corresponding colours. I’m not going to say where he is but put it this way he is at the top. TOP LEVEL OF YEAR ONE for reading. Not a big deal but a big freaking deal for us. I’m so proud so of him you cant imagine how so.

You see my B1’s story goes like this. Since he was six weeks old I have been seeing doctors trying to understand why he wasn’t so responsive. Some days he would hear me and respond and other days he was ‘ignorant’.  It was frustrating. I was sure it was his hearing. Oh he is fine the doctors would say. I knew that there was something wrong but we went for hearing test after hearing test. He has a cold they would say, the test is inconclusive. Yes I know I said but he always has that horrible green runny nose I cant seem to get rid of I would say. Bring him back in three months, six months. His milestones where all on track, he started riding a three wheeler motorbike at 9 months but his speech was delayed and when he did speak it was a mess you couldn’t understand him.

I started seeing a speech therapist. I think he needs a occupational therapist instead she said. At three years old we went to see them on her recommendation they assessed him asked him questions and a series of physical commands. He did the best he could but they graded him as he was in need of further testing. I wasn’t happy with any of it and for a period of time I dropped it and just carried on doing the best we could. It seemed like a revolving doors of doctors with no answers except to say he was a little slow to develop.

In this time he became shy and introverted. He would get picked on at play group and daycare because no one could understand him. He couldn’t understand them. I was so worried for him. He seemed slow to learn and pick up things. Yet so clever at the same time. I mean how many kids ride a motor bike at nine months? School was approaching fast. I tried one last hearing test. Our sixth test since he was six weeks old he was four and a half.

We did everything as normal but we had a different girl who actually went through his past records. He has a cold she said. No he doesn’t I said. They always say that I say but he doesn’t. He cant hear out of his left ear and his right is severely reduced. WHAT I screamed. Just put him at the front of the class until he grows out of it. What do you mean I asked.. is he deaf.. I was somewhat near hysterics after four years of trying to get someone to tell me something, anything. No he has eustachian tube dysfunction. His ears aren’t draining the fluid out of his ears he should grow out of it but essentially he hears like your talking under water to him.

I cried all the way home. Devastated. I had let my baby down. Long story short we saw a specialist and within two weeks we had grommets in. We walked out of the hospital and the first words out of his mouth….’its so noisy here hey mum’ I cried.

So it been a long road this last year and a half. Hard work for him and lots of guilt  and screaming from me. Fortnightly speech therapy lessons. His brain had to learn how to listen and understand commands, his fine motor skills had to develop. We did homework in the morning and in the afternoon. I have been terrified. EVERY thing was has been behind. He was essential starting from scratch at four.

Yet hear he is TOP of the class for reading. Well done my baby you make me so proud.

xx Deb

So FIFO husband has left for a five week swing after being home just two weeks. He accepted the job without asking me, without discussing it with me, to say I was and still am a little annoyed is a understatement. He has never done that before and I kept my annoyance to myself until I couldn’t contain myself any more. I literally exploded with a fury of expletive and fists.

Why? Why did you do that? I’m not ready for you to go yet? I’m tired. He didn’t have an answer well he did just not one I thought was good enough. I’m not sure any answer he gave me would be good enough then or now.

I dropped him off at the airport yesterday at 4.30am we had to leave home at 2.30am to get him to his flight. Where he was headed to Bali to collect his vessel where he will then go to Singapore. Bali then Singapore. Miles from me. Miles the kids. Miles from whinging, complaining, cranky, sick and tired kids. Miles. Its also exotic, different and not here. I know that in between he is working hard and all that rubbish but still Im cranky.

Can you guess I still haven’t got over my annoyance and I’m yet to work through ‘my resentment’. Resentment that’s what my mother called it and oh and that he is a man after all. I dont buy it.

What did I say about exit strategies?

Will let you know how I go with working through ‘my resentment’.

Have a wonderful Monday friends

xxDeb