the fifo wife

Today was a big day for us. B1 started high school. He was nervous. I was terrified, and in honesty, I have spent the last two days all melancholy-like. So much so B1 took me by the shoulders yesterday afternoon and said whats up mum. You look so sad, what is going on?

Given he is now bigger than me, I looked up and said to him tears rolling down my face which at this point I decided not even to attempt to hold back the ugly cry and said I’m so scared I wasted time with you.

Time is a huge commodity in our house. It’s no accident that my kids have all been the first in the class to understand time both past and present; I know this because every teacher has told me. We know how precious time is. We know you cant get more of it and that it cant be brought. We understand the difference between quality and quantity. When we are together, we are together. We squeeze the best out of every minute happy and sad that we can; because the next minute, regardless of who is where cant be guaranteed, and you cant get it back. The point is spend it wisely.

So we get that time is more valuable than gold {and if you don’t understand this learn it- quickly} and so he knew what I meant about ‘wasting time’; there was no need to explain it to him.

He smiled and said to me I don’t know about before mum I cant remember that stuff, so it is not as important to me as it is to you and my heart dropped a little as my possible fears where tossed around and the tears became heavier the nose redder.

But he said you and dad have always given me your best that I know but what I want now is more time with you both of you.

You want more time I said slowly repeating the words. Completely stoked and slightly confused that my tween wanted more time with his ‘parents’.

I will be gone soon so I want more time now, as much as you can give me he said.

He turned and walked back inside like what he said was nothing important but for me its everything.

It confirmed for me what I have always thought while they need us when they are young when they need us most is these tricky years the ones coming. For us, it’s the ones now.

And so like always we will do our best to give it.

xx Deb

I’m waiting for my friend Ruth to come for coffee. It’s been five months since we caught up but thought I would write a random thought post while I wait because you know posts have become few and far between.

-My god children’s mother was airlifted to the city last night; she is pregnant with her third child. When I got off the phone, a had a little sob because life is seriously unpredictable. She is young, and so complications are rarely what you would expect but as blase as we have become as a modern society pregnancy and childbirth is still risky business.

-Then my mind wondered how much she and her family have become entwined in mine and how much she means to us. How much despite not being related to a gene pool or a marriage we are indeed part of each of others families.

-I wonder if women realised that they were the head of something big, enormous, the matriarch and centre cog for a whole system which is better known as a family would they {we} take better care of themselves?

-We were on the phone with a builder the other day, and he said yeah right she is that FIFO woman the one on facebook. It slapped me the way he said it, and so I’m wondering if its time for a change?

-I’m determined to take care of myself and my appearance better this year. More beauty appointments more haircuts; that sort of thing. I have come to hate looking in the mirror but whats the worst that can happen? Break?

-Husband flies out today. I find it harder now than before. I don’t know why. I don’t miss him any more than I use too, I don’t regret our life I just seem to cry more on drop off.

-On my walk today I wonder how many stay at home mums still contribute to their super, even if it’s just $10 a week. Check with your super to see if can make contributions via Bpay.

– I don’t want school holidays to end. I love having the kids home. So not what I thought I would say five years ago.

– I have started our round the world trip account up. My dream as some might know has been to travel around the world with my kids. Well, last week I started an account just for that. It just feels like its the right time. I opened an ING account {no affilation} and even pulled out a world map. I’m thinking Japan-Hawaii-USA-Canada-Alaska- UK-Europe-India. I have always wanted to go to India what has stopped me in the past is the poverty and animals. I find it confronting it breaks my soul, but I need to get over that.

Anway that is the randomness that is my head. Hope your well.

xx deb

 

I pulled my list of 2017 goals off the wall yesterday and said to myself that was all wishful thinking. To say I was a little disappointed was an understatement. I screwed it up and threw it in the bin, and as I write this, I wish I hadn’t because there is still today that I could’ve tackled that list; although rational thinking says it was unrealistic.

Out of the list of 20 things we got just three done. Decluttering, Japan and well more decluttering. We have a shite load of stuff in our house, in fact, three households in one that has just never been dealt with ever- it comes with buying a generational family home. Not only does it come with a beautiful sense of home but seven toasters, 24 beds and furniture that no one understandably wants to part with -yet.

But then as I hung out the washing for our holiday rental, that is going gangbusters I must say, and I must say because it makes 2017 seem more tangible I realised that 2017 was the year for ‘tidying up’.

It was as I cursed a mark on a perfectly white sheet a tricky year; trickier than the one before when I lost my dearest and oldest friend at just 38.

This year and I have to say, and it was only in the last few weeks of December I realised what 2017 was about it was the year that tidied up the loose ends of all the insecurities I have ever had. It’s the best way to describe it.

I worked fulltime again as a teachers aide with kids with special needs and learning differences; something that I have come to realise I’m rather good at; despite some very frustrating days I felt ‘useful’. I learnt I’m kind of good at making connections and finding a way to teach them stuff they think is completely irrelevant to their 14-year-old lives- that’s not easy. My strong opinion on education changed so much this year thanks to my time in the classroom, and I look forward to that period where I can homeschool. God Bless every teacher doing there best with what they have and the system they have behind them.

At home, we raised three boys, one who suffered but triumphantly became well from a terrifying mental health illness that stemmed from the deaths occurring from the previous years. As a family, it was frightening he was the kid you never worried about, but we all pulled together, and with the help of doctors and psychiatrist he returned to his usual but better than self.

We officially became a family with Aspergers; finally telling our eldest boy what made him so remarkable. We never wanted to label him or make him feel different for the benefit of others but we told him, and it was amazing the change even in just a few days. The confidence in him was astounding, and I’m proud of him. I have Tony Attwood to thank for that, oh on top of all that we survived seven months of unemployment.

Those seven months were wholly self-funded either through savings, picking up seasonal work and savvy spending. Not one government hand out, borrowed funds or skipped payment. We made it through the downturn. I can say that with a smile, a lump in my throat a heavy sigh and hope that it won’t happen again but if it does we will survive and worrying {about it or anything really} won’t do anything to change the situation. Its all about just finding a solution something worrying stops you finding.

But probably the best thing of all, I finally learnt to deal with my anxiety like a big girl, understood myself better the whys and the how’s through an unexpected ah-ha moment with my new friend Kym and a surprise health condition. I started being honest again, speaking up for myself and others. I told people what I would like and negotiated when they couldn’t offer me what I wanted, and I didn’t worry what they thought of me. I stopped doing things because it was the ‘right thing’ to do despite what it was doing to me. I  started looking after me more than just an appointment at the gym.

So that was my 2017 full of ups, downs and plenty of ah ha’s. I have no list this year just that I want to go back to the basics in everything. Although I can say firmly that a trip back to New Zealand is on the cards, more writing, a haircut and perhaps some knitting.

What did you learn? Was it funny, sad or completely life changing? I asked some of the fantastic women in my life their lessons and would love to hear yours so add in the comments here or here.

“1. When you have no expectations, you’ll have no disappointments” …. this was particularly appropriate when dealing with certain members of my family. 2. “ALWAYS trust your intuition” ~ Sue Artist.

“I learnt that you need to listen to your instincts…however confronting it may be. I was in a job which I thought was my forever job, but it wasn’t a good fit with our family life. I was gutted, but life goes on. One door closes another door opens” ~ Lea; Journalist.

“I learnt that sometimes to feel better, you don’t need to understand your past you just have to accept it.. just to accept that things are like this, even if it wasn’t fair, there is always some positive you just need to find it.” Pauline Travel Blogger.

“One lesson I learnt in 2017 is that it is the once in a while texts or messages from friends just to check you are still alive or just checking in that mean the most! Those are the people that have your back.”  Dani; a wise woman.

xxDeb

 

 

 

 

 

Summer arrived a few weeks ago here in Far North Queensland and its well and indeed salad weather. One of my favourites salad is Gado Gado. Typically Asian as are most of my favourite recipes its Indonesian with Gado Gado meaning mix mix and being Asian its neither summer nor winter.  My love of Asian food is definitely thanks to my 80’s Darwin childhood and an ode to many a Sunday morning spent at the Rapid Creek market {one of Darwins oldest and most authentic Asian markets}.

I first tried Gado Gado when I started driving myself to the markets as a cocky 17-year-old. Gado Gado along with green paw paw salad became a Sunday staple along with a chicken satay and spring roll. Like the paw paw salad, they would make it too taste and to order, and I would watch intently as they used there machete with such precision all while conversing to their neighbours across the way in their stark native tongue. It was amazing to watch. Driving myself meant I wasn’t on anyone’s time but my own and so I could wait for the well-known hawker’s dish.

The vegetables themselves can be anything as far as I’m concerned, it’s the dressing that’s the main drawcard; a sweet tarty peanut dressing that’s not to be confused with a satay sauce. Gado Gado is traditionally served with a glutinous rice cake and fried shallots, but you can have some boiled rice served separately.

This is a Jamie Oliver recipe, and the dressing is so far one of my favourites.,

Gado Gado.

The Salad.

• 400 g new potatoes
• 4 large eggs
• 400 g firm silken tofu {or shredded cooked chicken}
• sesame oil
• ½ Chinese cabbage
• 2 ripe tomatoes
• 1 handful of radishes
• ½ cucumber
• 2 handfuls bean sprouts
• ½ bunch of fresh coriander
• fried shallots, optional
• prawn crackers, optional
• 1 fresh bird’s-eye chilli, optional
• rice per instructions, optional

The dressing.

• 1 clove of garlic
• 50 g palm sugar
• 120 g crunchy peanut butter
• 1–2 fresh red chillies
• 2 limes, juice of
• 2 teaspoons fish sauce
• 1 tablespoon low-salt soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon tamarind paste

How to.

1. Start by prepping all your salad ingredients. Scrub the potatoes and cook in boiling salted water for around 15 minutes, or until tender, then halve or slice up.
2. Soft-boil the eggs for 6 minutes, or longer if you prefer them more cooked.
3. Cut the tofu into 2½cm chunks and fry in a splash of sesame oil for around 15 minutes, or until golden, then sprinkle lightly with sea salt.
4. Finely shred the cabbage if you want it raw or, if you’d rather blanch it (which is traditional), cut it into 2cm slices, place in a colander and slowly pour a kettle of boiling water over the top. For me, this is the perfect amount of heat to soften the cabbage, but means you keep much of the delicious nutrients in there – feel free to apply this to any other seasonal greens you can find, too.
5. Cut the tomatoes into wedges, quarter the radishes, shred the chicken {if using} and slice the cucumber. Season everything from a height with a little salt.
6. Next, put all the sauce ingredients into a blender, peeling the garlic and grating in the palm sugar (if needed), then blitz until smooth. Have a taste and adjust the seasoning, making sure the acidity of the lime sings through, so tweak with more, if needed.
7. Traditionally, you’d take a little bit of everything, put it into a bowl and pour the sauce over the top, which is a fine way to serve it. I like to do the reverse because I feel that once you pour the sauce over you can’t see the care and attention that has gone into the preparation of the ingredients. So I spoon the sauce between four bowls, spread it up around the sides, then divide the ingredients around the bowls, taking a bit of pride in making them look nice.
8. Serve with the fried shallots, prawn crackers and adding some boiled rice.

{image is from here}

Unfortunately, I said until the male contraception pill is here, the only way you have to stop and protect a girl and yourself amongst other things as well as getting pregnant is to use a condom.

I followed that offhandedly with I will put some in the bathroom one day. I would prefer if you didn’t have sex earlier than 18, 19 or 20 trying to unrealistically stretch it out but I would much prefer you had one on you than not.

I will wait until I’m 30 said b3 reassuringly.

Okay, I said looking down as he slid on his back across the kitchen floor.

Oh and please don’t do it in the car or under a bush and if need be come see me so we can work something out. And never I said never have sex with a girl who has been drinking even if she says she wants it. If she has been drinking her ability to make the right decision is impaired and that’s not fair to her.

They looked at me my sons twelve and eight as scooby doo blared in the background.

It should be mentioned that B3 isn’t privy just yet to the ins and outs of sex just yet. He is aware that its something grown up’s do and is a big deal. B1, on the other hand, has more than a fair idea of what is what.

B3 had at this stage joined us at the table, B2 was off somewhere stripping out of his iron man costume mostly like the lounge room, and B1 was just looking at me across from the table as if to say is this required over breakfast.

Breaking the silence with Why said B3 not understanding anything but asked the question anyway while B1 was coming to terms with the fact I wasn’t stopping anytime soon and so nodded in somewhat understanding of yes continue.

Why I said because if a girl falls pregnant her whole life changes, yours will too but hers mostly and that’s not fair for any 17 year old; especially if her parents aren’t supportive. I then carried on with slightly more drama than anticipated, then I will be a grandma, and I don’t want grandbabies for years yet.

but mum babies are so cute B1 exclaimed smiling, and fun he added later.

I almost jumped out of my chair with a firm reply oh no they aren’t. Babies are just like any small new thing. They are fun about 20% of the time I said rather too loudly. The rest of the time they are awake needing to be fed and changed. Then you are trying to determine why they are crying. But being a new parent, you haven’t got your mind reading skills yet, and so they are screaming until you are a blithering mess. I realised my stats might be somewhat out, but this morning I was on a mission of avoidance.

He looked at me somewhat confused that babies were anything other than what was on the Huggies nappy ads.

It’s not the first time we have talked about sex. The first time was in the car when B1 realised what sex was and that his father and I would have had to have had it for them to be here. That conversation caught me off guard, and it was awkward and funny for them at least as I squirmed and handed things off to their father who at this point was only halfway through the swing. B3 had erupted into fits of embarrassed giggles not understanding what B1 was asking or why as I danced around answers with ums, ahas, and hmm yes that’s right. Whispering yes, most people do it naked, and yes those noises are good noises.

Regardless of that dancing session in the car, it was however probably the icebreaker we needed for what was happening over breakfast this morning. We went on to talk about how hard it is to be a parent, something that can occur after sex just once. Once I said holding up my finger saying it louder and firmer each time but continued on with how especially hard it was to parent as a teenager. It was as they were looking at me and my pointed finger that it struck me how at ease our conversation was. How easy it was for my son to tell me who his crush was at school. And I wondered was weaving it into the everyday conversation the way to do it? Not making fun of or teasing him that he liked a girl but acknowledging it, not encouraging it but in the same way not dismissing it by saying okay what is she like?

I have never teased my kids about ‘liking’ or ‘having a girlfriend’. I have never felt comfortable with that. Its the same as I have never liked it when someone calls a child sexy. And I had never thought about how I was going to have the talk either, though I thought I would wing it somehow; pretty much my whole parenting philosophy runs. Personally, I learnt about sex from ‘how did I get here books’ and school. I don’t ever recall my parents sitting down with me giving me the talk and so I’m guessing its why I was always embarrassed about it.

It was only after B1 declared that he would talk to us first that I decided that this level of informality was at least the way to do it for our family. And while I can almost guarantee that he will not seek us out; after all who is going to find their parents when they are getting hot and heavy with their ‘greatest love’. I am hoping the thought and courage is there in thought and in the meantime, I’m loving the conversations we are having at the moment as we evolve into something different.

Have you had the talk? How did you manage it? 

 

xx Deb