So I lost it yesterday.
To be correct no physically or emotional harm came to any body but me. There was just lots of screaming and throwing of things on my behalf. I carried on so much that when I got into the car to pick up FIFO husband I felt physically drained for an hour. I didn’t speak I just drove in auto pilot (a stupid and dangerous move by me but we were late as it was) to pick up FIFO husband from the airport.
I literally thought of nothing and spoke to no one for hours.
Through out the day I kept think what the hell happened this morning? What did that just achieve? Its been along time between melt downs and this one was a doozy. This time however I realised that this behaviour was my fault and it was useless and ineffective it really was and is. Being less hormonal and less tired is a blessing. For the first time I saw it for what it was: wasted energy.
My tantrum left the boys confused and bewildered and really if anything rather than making them ‘get ready and help me’ it did the opposite they stood confused like deers caught in the head lights. It really only left them thinking yep she’s finally lost it and me emotionally tired and drained and now embarrassed that 1. I spoke to my children that way and 2. my neighbour’s heard me in a whole new light. A 34 year old woman throwing a tantrum. Noice.
Really wasted energy.
So what was it over? I cant really tell you that because I think it was a serious of things and I think that’s the thing with the FIFO life for us FIFO mums and wives. Its a series of little stresses that build and then explode into one big ‘stress’.
I remember thinking I just had a week off. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Whats wrong with me but this month has been a series of bumps. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had a month off it was a series of little stresses that led to this crazy moment of losing it. To round up the month this month included two trips to the ER one with bleeding from the ear with a severe ear infection (normal they tell me) the second was a knock unconscious (fell from a table hanging out his washing and yes I make them hang out their washing at 6 and 5 years) which resulted in a sleeping child in the ER for SIX hours. Following that there was the head cold, end result a horrible 2 year old nothing nicer. Finally but definatly a newie B2 not eating for a week because he was scared of choking to death; it was so serious he refused to eat macca’s. I guess that’s when you know its serious. Add to that they were horrible coming back from nanna’s. Demanding, unpleasant little boys. They were literally revolting.
Then I guess it was all the other rubbish that gets caught up the occasional sleepless night, being the entertainment officer for school holidays a seriously tough gig as they get older (I think that was the tipper), running the house, dealing with estate agents, tenants and arguing with the ride on lawn mower and wiper sniper. It gets crazy. Add to that FIFO husband due date home kept getting put back due to rough sea’s so he was home later than normal.
I guess I was done. Had enough I wanted outta here.
That’s what I should have done but didn’t. I don’t have that luxury. My tantrum really was a waste of energy. It resulted in nothing but reflecting and grimacing. Thinking crap I should have done that better. I don’t want that to happen again but I cant promise that it won’t. I know that now. Before I would beat myself up for days. I accept that it may happen again. I dont hold it against myself either. Its one of the very big downside’s of the FIFO life…the occasional melt down. There is no excuse and I dont condone how I behaved and yes I worry what affect it will have on my boys being subjected to the occassional mummy trantrum but all I can do is try. Im doing my best. We all are.
xxD
