How are you handling him going to school husband asked me this morning. I held my breath..stopped speaking and waited for the wave to pass..we were silent. He asked again. I murmured out fine but it was in audible between the deep breathing the kind you do to refrain from the ugly cry.
Oh the ugly cry.
Generally I don’t cope well with milestones. I am glad they have made them. Proud of them but then there is this underlying sense of panic that change is happening so fast and ultimately things will soon be out of my control. However this time this is not what this was about because secretly I am looking forward to him starting school.
Well he said how are you feeling about it.
Ugly control reigned in I said it again fine. Then went back to watching B3 the boy we were currently talking about make his own strawberry jam toast an entrée to the porridge I was yet to make.
And you I said how are you handling the fact our last baby is off to school?
Its different for me and I am different to you he said I don’t see my baby boy growing up leaving home like you do. I just see him changes in him everyday. I don’t see any further than that.
Right I said.
Well I said it’s not that I said right now it’s not the fact he is growing up its did I do right by him these past five years. Did I spend enough time with him, was I to cranky, did I do enough for him. Bloody mother guilt. I then went on to think how bloody excited and scared I am that I will have six hours of a day to make a another place in the world for myself; Debbie the girl who likes, vintage and to write a little. And as scared as that makes me that that fact right there I am sure will make me an even better mum. But I didn’t say that because I was to busy keeping the ugly cry at bay however if I did explain it would make me seem less quirky or perhaps not.
My husband sighed and nothing more was said. Like he said we are different. And he is such a clever man. He knows you can’t argue or reason with someone whose last baby is off to school, is suffering mother guilt both good and bad and has had broken sleep because that last baby still wakes during the night to go to the toilet and is afraid of the dark.
Yet deep down I know I did the best I could and I can’t do more than that and if truth be known just like the cold feet of a bride it will pass because I got it with B2 and B1 before him. And as the very clever Rebecca said the other day this is merely long service leave.
Still I will take the advice of B1 and get some sunglasses for Tuesday mum.
xx Deb
{Image is the fifo wife taken at 1:30am this morning}
