Husband wants to get a family photo printed from a photo shoot we had last year. I hate it; the photo that is. The boys look fantastic my husband looks just a little bit divine but me I look terrible. Heidi Montague, plastic fantastic and hooker are the words that come to mind when I think of those images. I don’t even have a copy of them to which I should because they have in truth been printed. These images which husband loves and I don’t and the reason he loves them is because he is in truth smoking hot; naturally, but me I have too much make up on. I look like a drag queen and my smile I have know idea what’s going, its shameful. When I first saw the pictures I cried, hysterics is more the word to describe my reaction. To give you an idea of the vulgarness of the images when husband asked my friends what they thought of me in those pictures they changed the subject out politeness because there are no words to describe how I looked in those pictures yet despite my distress he wants me to get them enlarged, printed, framed and placed on the wall of our living room as a momento or so I can constantly be reminded that those pictures of me looking like a bad version of Heidi Montague went nation wide in a magazine and no I wont tell you which one.
Seriously though I should have learnt my lesson several years before when husband and I went and had some ahem glamour shots done of the two of us before we had kids. Yes I said it glamour shots. Oh the shame. He looked damn fine. Shirtless and sexy. Me? I had a teenager applying my make up who mistook me for a forty year old ( I was 26 at the time but cheers to her lets hope her sun baking doesn’t bite her in the ass) so perhaps she felt she was doing me the favour by painting my face like it was the entrance to Luna Park. She didn’t do me any favours and I looked like a hooker who had had a run in with a power pole after pulling an all nighter on a hot summer’s night. Unaware I looked that horrible was not only the worst part..the worst part..with no mirrors to look at whilst I was leaving and them wanting to close the ‘studio’ aka the back of a dingy old shop I didn’t get to wipe Luna Park off my face..I actually walked around the city like that. I went to the video store and order a pizza.
Its taken me this long to see the ‘humour’ in it.
However if I had just known a couple of these tips and tricks I think that all could have been avoided or no; I think karma had it in for me for that day but you know all the lessons learnt along the way..
So next month when we get our new family photo taken; after of course I remove the forty serve pavlova from my thigh’s I will be taking heed of the following:
1. If you think you have something on your face usually you do.
2. Stand tall and point your legs about 45 degrees to the camera, and then twist at the waist towards the photographer. It will help you look thinner and after all it’s what the stars do on red carpets, and they do it for a reason..just practise the pose first otherwise you may look constipated.
3. Turning slightly to the right its makes you look thinner again..imagine how many eharmony dissappointment’s are from the simple trick of standing tall and looking slightly to the right..
4.If the camera is below eye level you will end up with a double chin..no matter how many times you lift your tongue to the roof of your mouth when you smile hence that’s tip number five..
6. Don’t allow someone who is younger than you and still in a training bra apply your make up for images you will have to $400 for. Take my advice there is nothing funny about parting with that amount of money.
7. Think happy thoughts it shows in the pictures no matter what your smile says. Perhap’s that was my problem..I was thinking lets get this crap over with..
8. For seated shots, extend your neck and then tilt your head down slightly to get rid of views up your sinuses.
9. Say cheese not monkees the ‘ees’ makes your face look weird. Simple.
10. Don’t get a new hair cut, your eyes brows waxed two weeks before a paid family portrait its not worth the risk..trust me..
Finally well I don’t have anymore but just have fun because the reality is when you look back on these everyone will have a giggle at someone’s expense it may as well be yours.
xx Deb
