My mother has come to visit. She of course lives in Darwin but visits often. Im talking every second month. When she isn’t here I call her almost everyday. She I guess has become my second best friend. I would be lost with out her. She comes so regularly because well I feel we have a lot of catching up to do. That and she adores my kids and I want them to know who she was and what a wonderful women she is.
Our relationship hasn’t and isn’t always good. We stopped having a relationship when I was 18 years old. It was just too hard. We started afresh without a spoken word of the past when B1 arrived. That’s almost ten years missed.
I upset her a lot. I never mean to I just do. She says its the look I give her or the tone in my voice. She says I say things when I dont. That was then and sometimes now. Yet since we started to have a new relationship I have tried hard to be careful of myself around her and sometimes I slip because well watching yourself around someone is tiring. In the first few years of our ‘new relationship’ I think I was still angry with her and I upset her alot. Things are alot better now. I dont upset her as much now as I did then. Perhaps we have both relaxed a little.
When I was young she wasn’t the mother I imagined but she was the best one she could be I just didn’t realise that then. She was/is dealing with her own issues and demons in the best way she knew how. What those demons and issues are I don’t know. What I do know is alcohol was a big horrible part of my childhood that I don’t want my children to see. Alcohol creates monsters in people. Turns them into people you wouldn’t ordinarily talk to. However I understand now that perhaps the drink was to some degree her medication. Her father was an abusive alcoholic and my aunts and uncles tell me they think that perhaps my mother was taken advantage of by my grandfathers shearing crew but who knows she wont tell and without telling you don’t know. You cant fix.
Which has led me to being me. I’m always honest. I need to know everything. Got a problem lets fix it I recently read baby macs post on being a seeker and that’s me. I want to know whats up and if theres an issue I want to fix it. I hate lies and deceit it turns me into someone I don’t like. My mum however is closed, accussing and without knowing or perhaps knowingly is manipulative. She hurts easy never forgets and doesn’t let go easy. She lacks confidence and isn’t affectionate but I know she loves me. I remember her saying to me when I was a teenager. I don’t cuddle deb that’s just not me but I know that she will do anything for me. I know she doubts the love I have for her but that’s okay I love her just the same.
Does what I say make me sound nasty and unforgiving? Its not its honest. I love her. I love her. I love her. I understand her its taken me a long time to accept her for who she is and she. A very long time. Perhaps to long. Lot’s has been missed. Sometimes I see myself in her and I scare myself. I don’t want to be that way scared and constantly on guard yet I do because she still is the most amazing women. Brave and without fear. Hard working and accepting of others. She can laugh at herself. She taught me that women can do anything. That there is nothing we cant do. Oh and she loves me. She would walk on broken glass for me. I just wish sometimes she would let me help fix her. She has missed so so much. Not just of us but the world.
I love her for her. I just want her to know that.
xxDeb
