Seeing the FIFO wife post my story caused me to reflect on the past 18 months of life and wonder whether the things I was worried about or the feelings I have about FIFO have changed, particularly with the arrival of our daughter last year, which understandably – could have completely turned everything up on it’s head and made us, or me, want to stop FIFO.
It’s been an interesting year. We have a wonderful, happy and healthy little girl who is developing appropriately and seems to be well-adjusted and confident (for a one year old!)
I think I’ve adapted really well to motherhood and being a FIFO mum – I have pretty much looked after our baby on my own other than (of course!) when my husband is home and then he jumps in 150% and does SO much – most wonderfully, gives me a sleep-in each day – I think of all the things I needed this past 12 months – a few extra zz’s in the morning is it.
What I think is most interesting, as I write this, was other people’s opinion before our baby arrived and their concern that I wouldn’t cope or I would find life too hard with husband working away. Interesting because I have found it all relatively easy. It might be owing to the fact that our baby has been so easy going and happy – but I think a lot of that comes down to my attitude (and my husband’s) – I’m sure if I had woken up dreading each day, or had been continuously sad, unhappy, stressed out, angry or whatever that would have all transferred to my baby and she wouldn’t be the happy, well-adjusted little person she has developed into. Sure – I’ve had moments where it all feels too hard, and I miss my husband and I wonder why we are doing this – but they are only moments. And they pass, quickly.
What I think is also interesting is that I know some other mums who’s husband’s come home every night, and are home with them all weekend and they have family support on a regular and on-going basis, and yet they have really seemed to struggle with motherhood.
Perhaps it is a mindset thing – I came into the pregnancy and motherhood knowing that it would pretty much just be husband and I – so I didn’t expect to have a lot of support or help – I haven’t resented that fact, just accepted that it is what it is – besides which, the times I have had offers from someone to care for my little girl, I am not ready to leave her.
I’m not saying that I’m better than these other mothers at all, not in any sense whatsoever – just that all our experiences are so completely different and just because you’re a FIFO mum with a husband who works away for 1, 2, 4 or more weeks at a time, does not necessarily mean you are going to struggle, find it difficult or not cope any better or worse than those mothers who have their husbands home every night.
I say this now, as we are 10 or so weeks from giving birth to our second child (15 months apart!!) – and again – everything might get tipped upside down and our new baby might be completely different to our little girl. I know no more about how it will go than I did with the first one – except I have 12 months experience being a mummy than I did this time last year – I’m far from being an expert and I have different worries this time around as to how it will go – how will baby one adjust to baby two etc!
Now – back to the questions:
Was there a reason you started FIFO? i.e. Deposit for a house? Trip overseas? Or was he already working FIFO? How did you feel about that? Did it affect your decision about continuing the relationship? Why?
My husband was doing FIFO when we got together and it was to reach a particular financial goal. And then another one. And another. And then while I was on maternity leave. And now until the project he’s working on finishes.
We both recognize that his industry as a FIFO worker is finite. There will be a time when the work “dries up” and it is harder to secure FIFO jobs for his role at which point he will work locally and so we’re making the most of FIFO while we can.
Our relationship hasn’t suffered for the fact that he’s FIFO, by contrast, I think we have an incredibly strong relationship and amazing communication between us where we share everything.
Husband’s relationship with our daughter hasn’t suffered either – I think that was a big factor for us deciding (and re-evaluating on a regular basis) to continue FIFO – if he found it too hard, or we both thought she reacted badly to a daddy she saw 1 in 5 weeks, we would have reconsidered continuing with it.
One thing I was very mindful of was whether or not our baby would recognize husband when he comes home given his roster is 4:1. We haven’t had any issues of that nature at all which is wonderful for both husband and I. When he calls and our daughter is awake, I put him on speaker phone and her face lights up at the sound of daddy’s voice. I just wish he could see that! We try Skype and Facetime – I think she notices more her own picture in the corner of the screen than daddy’s face, but as she gets older, she will notice more things, as she has done already. The airport pick-up is one of my favourite times (as for all of us I think!) but seeing her face light up when daddy picks her up is just fantastic. Most recently, she started walking and although he saw it on snippets of video, the airport was the first time he saw our daughter walking in real life and he was just the proudest man in the building at that moment when his little girl walked up to him!
Did you talk about it before starting? Was there a time limit? Has that happened?
We are constantly talking about when our end date might be.
We both recognize that there may or may not be another project after this one that husband is interested in working on.
There may or may not be other FIFO jobs in the future – neither of us are closed off from the idea of future FIFO work.
Ideally, when I return to work I will eventually have an income such that it won’t matter so much that we don’t have a FIFO income anymore and we’re taking steps to plan for, and organize that now while he’s still FIFO.
What I would love is for us to be in a position where husband can choose whether he wants to work and have that time “off” like I am now.
What do you like best about FIFO?
First and foremost, the time we get together every fifth week. Without question – the whole week. Four months off a year.
Sure, we could have weekends together every week if he worked locally – but I know him too well to know that that time won’t actually be spent with me and our baby – it will be spent doing jobs and bits and pieces and before you know it, it’s Sunday night and time to go back to work tomorrow.
I think no matter how long someone has off work it is never long enough, we always want more.
Secondly, I like the fact that we are financially secure in circumstances where we have a baby, another on the way and I’m not working. We are quite strict with our spending and saving – and accordingly, we don’t have the financial worries we might otherwise have if husband was working locally.
What do you find so-so/tricky/hilariously bad about FIFO? What would change if you had a magic wand?
The most frustrating part for me is when technology doesn’t work and I don’t get to speak to my husband.
If I had a magic wand, I would magic myself to husband, or husband to me on the days where one or other of us really need a hug.. or special cuddles (hahaaha)
My least favourite thing about FIFO is the pity I get from some other people because my husband is away “for that long”. I don’t hate very much in life, but I absolutely cannot stand sympathy or pity, as though I have been forced into this situation. Husband and I both equally choose to do this FIFO life, so to give me sympathy is offensive to us both. I know that it is really a reflection of the person not understanding, or perhaps knowing they wouldn’t choose, or couldn’t handle, life this way.
Does your partner have trouble with you still going out and about how do you handle moments of insecurity (if any)
Neither of us have insecurities about the other have friendships with other people.
What has been a huge learning curve for us both post-baby is that I’m not working and therefore don’t have my independent income. Husband got a wife, bought a house, and had a baby all in the same short period of time – a lot to adjust to for anyone and he has done amazingly well.
He felt a huge amount of responsibility, having never been a home-owner before, and having never had children or a wife to support – some days it must feel like a massive pressure on his shoulders – particularly those days at work that are really difficult and the politics feel too much.
I found it difficult initially depending on someone else after being relatively independent for over ten years and I struggled with getting my head around the fact that “his money” is in fact also “my money” – hilarious given that my work involves me giving advice to people on these sorts of things!
One thing we have both done is recognize and appreciate what we have both “given up” to become parents – sounds like a terrible way to describe it. Choices we both willingly made, but sometimes I find it helps us to actually spell these things out – for example, I’m not really advancing my career at the same pace as if I was working (I’m still studying which helps), I don’t have an independent income, I’m not adding to my super at the moment and sometimes I feel like I need permission to spend money (I don’t, and neither does he – but it takes awhile to adjust to this single income/shared income lifestyle!) – by the same token, he doesn’t have as much disposable income as he did pre-family and the mortgage isn’t going down as quickly as he once anticipated.
We have both settled into it all now. Communication is the key!!!
Do you get lonely? How do you handle that?
I’m too busy and too tired to get lonely but I do miss husband. I think that’s different.
I’ve always been pretty independent and that hasn’t really changed – albeit, I have a little person depending on me 24/7 now – amazing how that hasn’t at all made this once completely independent-adverse to commitment-woman feel like she’s suffocating. I love, love, love our little girl and can’t imagine not spending my day with her!
Husband works night-shift and sometimes it’s hard not being able to talk to him until late afternoon – particularly when there are things that need organizing or decisions made that day that I can’t or don’t want to do myself, but thank goodness for text messages and emails.. for awhile there (and again in a few months!), night-shift was (and will be) the perfect accompaniment to new-parenting! He offered words of support and encouragement from afar on those nights where our baby struggled to sleep, wouldn’t sleep… or I couldn’t sleep and needed supportive/encouraging words the most. There are loads of other people awake during the day to offer support. It’s the night hours when I have most appreciated husband being awake and contactable.
Do you have trouble balancing his time with you and his mates? How do you manage it?
Not at all – husband moved here to live with me and doesn’t know too many people. Three years later and he has developed some relationships.
I occasionally get worried that he spends too much time at home with us in our week off doing jobs and running around after our baby and I– it must be difficult though for him to find a balance in circumstances where he’s only home such a short time and wants to get all these things done.
He does have a few friends to spend time with and I’m hugely supportive of those relationships.
I love talking to him everyday, he only gets a half hour tea break (which is usually when we chat) but sometimes he wants to talk to his family or friends, or just have time for him to read the paper – I miss hearing his voice but understand how important it is to maintain those relationship or even his sanity.
Do you think you use the time he is away to better yourself? Do study or are you career orientated?
Yes!! I am studying (although have taken the semester off) and I’m planning now for my return to work in the second half of next year.
I love being at home with our baby and I can’t wait to meet our second baby but at the same time I miss work – maybe the interaction with other grown-ups and using my brain in different ways to what being a mummy requires. Having said that, I’m not at all ready to go back to work. I know that I won’t get another “career break” like this again and our babies are only babies for such a short time and I have absolutely loved being at home to see the daily changes. I don’t want to wish my time away but I am excited about what the future holds work-wise.
Do you know any other FIFO ladies your age? Do you think it would help knowing others?
I have met a few other FIFO ladies – all very lovely women however I have developed strong relationships with other women, who aren’t FIFO wives, but are supportive and not at all judgmental of how we’re living our life, and that’s enough for me.
I don’t really find that my relationship experiences are too different to my friends who aren’t FIFO wives (other than the obvious geographical differences of where our husband’s work) and I don’t feel like I’m isolated or misunderstood for that fact.
What advice would you give to other women about FIFO life?.
My advice hasn’t really changed..
Communicate well and often. Be honest with each other. If you have a problem with your husband or wife – tell your husband or wife first (and perhaps only). Not the world.
Accept that this life you have both chosen means short-term sacrifices for (hopefully) long-term gain.
Don’t nag.
Pick your battles – if it doesn’t really matter in the broad scheme of things, don’t make it an issue – bear in mind that it must be so hard for our husbands (or wives as the case may be) to come home after being away for 1, 2, 4 or more weeks and relearn or remember routines and then perhaps head back to work with unfinished lists or projects or the thought of “next time…” – remember that while you might have lots of things you want to get done when they are home, they have probably spent the whole time at work thinking of all the things they want/need to get done when they are home to be good providers/partners. Be kind. Be generous with time – but also be gentle with reminding them that your relationship needs time and attention too (chats while lying in bed with the lights off at night is highly recommended!).
Be patient but assertive with what you want and how you feel.
FIFO life is the sort of thing you have to actually be prepared to live. Not half-heartedly accept because it is hard sometimes. You both need to be open and honest with your feelings. You need to be strong individuals and a strong couple.
Like any relationship, you need to work at it to make it successful. There will be good times and there will be tough and/or bad times – but my advice is never let your other half go back to work without having resolved an argument or without saying “I love you” – the following four weeks (or however long he’s away) is unbearable.
Thanks Melissa.
xx Deb
