the fifo wife

Its my Saturday night..although technically its a Monday but you get my drift. Husband goes back to work Wednesday Morning. I’m okay with it weekends, holidays they all have to end sometime. There is no point being glum so here we are red wine on the side burgers in the pan it’s as Saturday night as it gets.

The real weekend however the two days just past were just as awesome family came, created havoc chaos mess and then left. Loved it. As an only child I never got that and being an only child whose parents had left all their family behind in NZ I ached for it. My parents did the best they could in fact they did more than that to give me some of that sending back to NZ each school holidays so I could get some sense of it but in the between times I would hang out with my Darwin friends whose family were either traditional owners or had been long time residents and so family was never short of..I basked in the rivalry the ribbing and the jabbing that came with all that chaos and so I am happy that my boys can have a slice of what I wanted but only ever dreamed of.

So having said that the ‘weekend’ both of them have been and almost gone just like this year and it being the first week of August and these are the few things running through my head.

1. My baby girl Josie {my 13 year old poodle my baby before babies} is to have an eye removed tomorrow…you can make all the jokes you like husband has but I’m distraught..getting old is damn shitty..human or animal.

2. We brought a basketball hoop and so me and the boys have been playing some one and one..its the only time they think I’m cool, well except when I let them have ice cream for dinner.

3. Husband tonight not only brought me wine he brought me some liquorice ..he knows the way to my heart.

4. It never gets any easier when someone asks how far along I am.

5. Joined twitter today..I’m not overly sold…we shall see because it’s what I said about facebook but look at me now..when facebook went offline for those eight minutes last month I thought a meteor had hit and the world was ending..

6. How to have sex with your ipad..yes thats right…all I’m thinking is oh my god how does one clean it..

7. A Byron Bay wedding here.

8. He says it was the weirdest day yet here.

9. A super sweet thermomix cover because I know lots of you have them here.

10. I don’t condone violence but I was so disappointed at Orlando’s efforts the other night when someone had the opportunity to swipe Bieber good and proper..here.

xxDeb

When I made the realisation that I would rather be alone in a new city than spend time with her I pondered how I would make the great transition. How could I end our friendship without causing friction, unneeded chaos and her thinking I was better than her?

Because the truth was none of that was required and nor did I think I was better than her. I am not better than anyone; she was a good person just not for me. Lot’s of people are like that. They are good people you just aren’t the right fit. You don’t bring out the best in each other which is totally okay we are not all meant to be friends. Then sometimes it’s because they are venomous life suckers.  You know the ones the ones who don’t lift you higher and all that Oprah stuff. Instead, you come away from them feeling flat, confused, hurt, worried manipulated and deflated and it’s these people you need to rid yourself of.

Now the most adult thing would be to talk to them, have a heart to heart tell them what the problem allows it to be fixed but sometimes let’s be honest there is no point. Your differences to great or your argument to large the toxic spill to large. Sometimes talking will not help because you can not argue with some people they will drag you down to their level then beat you with their experience.

Truth be told I have been broken up with many times and it’s made me who I am but until this time I was never the breaker and it’s not easy nor is it fun and it should be done with surety and caution. So here is a how to on breaking up with those who don’t bring out the best in you (or them) because the reality is you should only ever surround yourself with people that lift you higher and there is no harm in that.

 

1. Always be polite. Always use your manners and never ever be rude. Don’t avoid them in social situations. If you move in the same circle of friends or family pool always be polite, approach them like you would anyone, they are human after all. Take the high road the view is ultimately better.
2. Here is the tricky part distance yourself. You are the judge on this but ultimately the aim is to reduce your level of interaction to how much you can cope with. A complete freeze out of them is awkward and not something I highly recommend unless of course you’re moving interstate or they have been declared by the world health authority as extremely toxic, then a freeze out is the only way to keep the poison at bay. So reduce the phone calls, reduce the visiting of them or stop the visit’s unless it’s required however always accept their calls and visits but keep them brief as brief as you can; especially for the toxic type, it takes less rebuilding time for yourself esteem. Distancing sometimes takes weeks other times it takes months or years it depends on how self-absorbed they are. Patience and your better nature is your friend.
3. When you do find yourself in their company limit the talk about yourself however generally people likes this don’t usually want to know about you anyway.
4. Don’t commit yourself to any invitation learn to say no, can I check with hubby or let me see my diary. Although never be rude always respond to an invite with a valid excuse not attend or to leave early.
5. Never burn your bridges and never speak ill of them. You should never speak ill of anyone anyway karma and all that but you never ever know when you will need a lift in the middle of the night because your car and mobile battery is flat and their number is the only one you can remember out of your favourites list after you have walked to the last remaining pay phone in Australia in the middle of the night.

Best of luck

Deb

 

He sat across from the table from me. He was sad; I knew it. He just didn’t know I knew. We have known each other from high school and bumped into each other again just last year while he picked up his nieces and nephews from school. I hadn’t recognised him without any hair, his boyish blonde locks gone, but he instantly grabbed me and hugged me like an old friend. It’s Mark, he said. I looked at his big blues, heard his voice and went, yes, it is.
Six months on, here in front of me, he sat. It felt so good to see an old friend again, but there was something not right, and so I started.

“You know Robert took his life last year,” I said. His eyes widened as I continued, John had gone to school with us.

“No”, he said, shocked.

I wasn’t shocked when I heard. Robert had always struggled. You could see it if you listened and watched hard. So when I heard about his passing, I wasn’t surprised. And yet, when I heard about Paul, Michael and Vernon, I was. That’s how many young men I know have been lost to a mental illiness. All but one becoming fathers, leaving wives and children behind bewildered. All unnecessarily so, and that is the part I can never understand the unnecessariness of it and yet having been there I can.

“Why do you think this happens?” I said to Mark, trying to start a conversation. He looked at the bottom of his empty cup.

“Some of it’s a genetic disposition,” he said but then “we as men boys have lost our place in society.”

“What do you mean?” I asked?

“You as women no longer require us. You don’t need us to hunt for you, care for you; you don’t even need us to make babies for you anymore. Our place is lost. We are just here.
Look at you,” he said, “I offered to mow the lawn for you, and what did you say? “I don’t need a man. Bam Deb, that hurt, and I’m not even your husband”.

It hurt the way he said it back to me. “That’s not what I meant,” I told him. “I wanted you to know I was capable. Not to worry about me. I don’t need a man; I want one, and that’s the difference. I’m a proud, independent woman, and my husband loves me this way. I’m capable of doing it myself. Should we turn back time, I asked?”

“No,” he said, “we want you to thrive as women, not to go back to being less than, but where does that leave us?” ”

To love and support us,” I said.

He sighed. “But we are men, and often we are taught that loving is for sissy’s and admitting that we are hurt because we don’t know how to do that- more so. We haven’t evolved emotionally as women have. Simply have not.”

I looked at him. He still looking; at the bottom of his cup, still not looking at me. Me crying because I could see he was lost.

“Admitting is half the key,” I said to him. “I don’t understand the shame men have ” I said

“I know,” he said, “but I do because I’m a man.”

“Mental illness is no different to any other illness,” I said. “It’s an inbalance in the brain or our lives that happens for whatever reason. Like an imbalance of iron or B12, it requires medication a change of lifestyle to fix it. Where is the stigma in that” I asked Mark?

“The brain is the holder of your emotions, Deb that’s the part you do not understand.”

“No,” I said, “it’s the part we are not evolving enough in men.”
He looked at me the first time in our conversation and smiled.

“I love you, Mark,” I said and “I need you as my friend. That’s your place for me.”

“Yeah,” he said, “me too.”
Xx Deb

{image with thanks to here}
If you or someone else you know needs help, please contact Lifeline on 131114

Oh gosh what a morning lovelies. It has been an emotional weekend and emotional morning as we determine the health of our ‘big boy’ puppy and his cancer situation. His cancer has returned with a friend. I discovered a second lump Sunday along with the returned tumor closer to his eye. I knew he wasn’t right and well when I felt it I knew.

So we have deliberated what to do? Try again on the trial now knowing a better administration method for the drug? Or leave him be? We pondered I cried I asked the vet. It’s your call she said.

Big Boy is a rescue dog he found us for  a reason and as he lay his paw in my hand this to say thank you for the scratch I had just given him I made the decision to give it one more try. One more just one the if this administration is to fail him there will be no more I will promise him that. He will tell me I am sure you have told me he will and I’m sure he will just like he does when he says thank you when you lift him in the ute, on to the bed and when I cover him at night. With each lift or tuck into the bed cover he stretches out his paw to shake your hand and says thank you.

So with a comfort helping of a jar of a peanut butter under my belt these are the few things running through my head.

1. Cancer sucks.

2. My ugly cry has got no prettier.

3. Marriage is a constant negotiation.

4. We are mid way through off swing already.

5. I’m actually looking forward to summer.

6. These guys have the best work life balance here– apparently.

7. Would you try this?

8. Love this black and white bathroom.

9. Your stars.

10. Remember this.

xD

Just relax he said to me yesterday. I looked at him puzzled. Relax? How does one relax exactly when you have three boys, one husband and more stuff on my plate than a milliner come Melbourne cup day. I don’t have time to relax. I dont have time to get a massage, read a book or take a five minute kip. I am a mum my job is 24/7 and then some. 

{However} unless you want to end up at a nice hotel where jackets not robes are mandatory here is five quick ways to relax this weekend between the washing of dirty football socks and prepping for next week.

1. Pour yourself a nice glass of red…Sip a nice Shiraz (or any other red wine) to help you unwind {responsible drinking here please}  Red wine contain antioxidants; antioxidents  mop up free radicals — molecules that can damage cells and are often released when you’re under stress.

2. Crank up Pharalls Happy album on the way to visiting the in-laws. Listening to music is proven to reduce stress responses such as high blood pressure and elevated heart rate.

3. Wash your hair..In the shower, grab your hair close to your scalp — sounds painful, but try it — and tug up {not rip your hair out} to release tension. Then rub your fingers in small circles over your entire head to stimulate blood flow, which reduces pain and stress.

4. When you get to sit down and watch some telly take up some knitting. Researchers at the Mind/Body Medical Institute in Boston found that repetitive activities can help calm your nerves.

5. Sex .. Couples that engage in regular sex have lower blood pressure…two birds one stone..25 minutes {21 minutes foreplay is what the average woman requires to get that other one minute but I’m thinking ambitious- multiples} is all you need.

Have a relaxing weekend.

xx Deb