the fifo wife

You unwrap the gifts..you tidy up the paper..you set the table ..cue the carols and family starts to arrive.

Aunty Gwen who takes care of your children so you can have coffee arrives. Uncle George who comes running despite living 4 hours away at the very whisper of a cyclone when your husband is at work chugs in. Cousin Ida who calls just to say I love you wafts in smelling sweet. Jacinta from next door who has saved you more than once arrives. The love and laughter in the house is as overwhelming as your wedding day.

Yet no matter how much effort you make to bring the family together to show the love of the season it’s the way of the world that there is always going to be one person that will keep everyone’s expectations of the cosy family gathering from crashing into what the worlds reality is not everyone gets along and there is nothing wrong with that how you deal with it is.

So for the sake of the children lets all just get along because that’s what this is all about a quick how to for dealing with difficult people.

1. Accept your place in the family pecking order as soon as you work that out it makes interactions easier. Like toddlers difficult people like to be centre of attention if you are a second son in-law and not the favourite don’t even bother. There is no way you will get invited into that game of ring a rosy but the thing is do you really want to?
2. Never talk about yourself I doubt they would be interested anyway. If you’re related via marriage let your partner do the talking about you. Not that it will make a difference it will just save your breath.
3. If engaging in conversation don’t expect them to see your point of view, accept you for who you are but fully expect them to take the piss out of your ideas and beliefs to the next person that will listen. Usually people that can’t accept new ideas values or belief don’t value you enough- accept that and your world and Christmas day will change.
4. And whilst it’s not ideal but if they are high in the pecking order work around their behaviour I have been told it will save the day not only with your partner but with family; after all its one day. If they start a tantrum like a toddler distracts them with something bright and bubbly.
5. If they do however happen to make the bile in your throat rise at the very thought of them. Work out a plan of attack. What will you do if they upset you? Don’t drink nor reach for another fruit mince pie…a hangover and you vomiting venom and a set extra kilos the days and weeks following is a small win in their favour so instead ignore the gift horse of speaking your mind like a pair of Jimmy Choo’s being offered for free, get up move on and enjoy the day. Their behaviour is not a reflection on you but them. Just like a child value the entertainment they bring.

Feel free to use this how to for not only Christmas but Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday too.

X Deb

{Image with thanks to here}

Everyone everyone goes through a financial crisis and my husband and I we are no exception. Our financial crisis always follows a ended contract or Christmas time when every utility bill known to the universe comes in just as Santa puts his little black boots on our door step and just to make it fun something always blows up, dries up or requires some sort of major intervention to get it working..this year it just happens to B1 and his quirks.

Needless to say for the past three weeks maybe longer I have been living in a constant state of frugality and fear of the letter box – because I am that woman who needs a piece of paper in her hand to prove a bill is due because we are there tittering on the edge of a ‘financial crisis’. And I am waving my arms trying to remain balanced and up right.

So how have we got here if we are still in contract? People assume that we have toys we don’t like most of you we don’t. We live simply we choose to invest our money and yet when you invest there is always additional bills and so that’s how we have got here tittering on the edge and we take full responsibility of being here this isn’t a sob story it’s telling you everyone gets here at some point and your determination of a financial crisis differs for all of us. For me its having no reserve left the bills are paid loans in front but there is no safety net. I run my house as a business and so no cash reserve? Hate it. I’m a what if girl. What if I got hit by a bus crossing the road yet knowing full well there is no bus service where I live but then I am going to the city today.

Yet as my husband said to me today Deb as I told him I am a physical wreck ‘this happens every Christmas’ and yes he is right except it feels bigger because we have only just tenanted an investment so we are playing double catch up but we made a plan together how to right it and it feels good..to have talked to about it..to make a plan and know it will make it all better..

Honestly we have tittered on the edge this close to broke just once before and that was just before he got his first oil and gas job and we were talking of selling furniture because it had been so long between contracts and we were running out of lawns to mow so I know we will get through it and come New Years I will be scratching my head going was all that worry worth it? The tank is back to being full what was the fuss.

So five steps to get through a period that will ultimately pass as long as you are sensible about it.

1. Dont play the blame game keep the lines of communication open. Talk regularly where you are financially both when in a crisis and not. Its the reason big businesses have board room meetings. And not talking, blaming it doesn’t get you any where. You are a team. A marriage is a business arrangement if you have said yes to investment decisions {or don’t know your financial position because you leave it up to your wife or husband} without knowledge then you are slightly foolish. Learn fast what you got yourself into and how you can go about getting yourselves out as a team.

2. If you can’t make payment on a utility bill, mortgage what ever don’t put your head in the sand do not pay with credit contact them and talk about a payment plan. What they can do to help you because ultimately they don’t want to lose your future business because even big business know that things will pass don’t fall into that trap of not asking because then they will take everything from you and still leave you floundering. Money makes things so fickle.

3. Reign in your expenses seriously where you can. Business will make job cuts we can make other cuts. If you don’t really need to shop for anything other than milk then don’t. If you can go without a hair cut then do it hence why I am cutting my own hair and my boys look like they have walked out of a trailer park.

4. Sell off unrequired assets..if a business is settling into the red they sell off assets your home is no different..have three cars but on need two sell one..have a garage sale..being proactive makes everything not only feel better but better because you will have additional cash in the bank and more room to move.

5. When you have made it through because you will plan so that there isn’t a next time and if there is then at least you will know what you need to do and how to do it and you will have some money in the bank to help you get through.

Now I am off to check my bank account for the fiftieth time today you know just incase I wasnt aware of a lotto win.

*** Always seek the advice of a professional..always..the internet google me am not considered a professional.

xxDeb

 {image with thanks to here}

You can’t shift that he said to me this morning..

Yeah okay is all I said.

So I donned my gym gear put on my best pluggers, grabbed my shop trolley a shifter and off I went.

I went to my mums house. She has been living two doors down and is moving out so someone can move in.

So of course when moving, something’s need to be shifted now ordinarily you arrange a mover a few friends that sort of thing however all that needed to be moved was two single beds, three couches, and a double bed shifted back in. To me that’s not much and me I can’t be patient enough to round someone up because by the time I call and wait for them I could have dismantled, shifted it the 50metres up the road and restacked it in the same amount of time as them getting in the car and getting to me.

So I did shift it.

I dismantled two singles, moved the couches and returned the double bed back to the room it belongs to after jiggling it down from the shelf in the shed and was done.

I do a lot of stuff like this on my own I will change tyres, paint walls, fix mowers, bikes and reno where I can. I am to independent strong-willed some will call stupid to wait for someone if I think I can do it myself I will and I’m not afraid of trying anything. I have however learnt my limits and when I must ask for help {because not to may result in injury and thats not a good thing for anyone involved} but I have also learnt what tools I need to have to on hand to make my world my independent world easier because I always will try it on my own before asking for a hand.

1. A shop trolley the best you can afford. It’s great for shifting furniture, air conditioners, mowers, trees..so far there isn’t anything my shop trolley hasn’t shifted.

2. A thick shifting rug so you can slide things across the floor without damaging the floor because on a Saturday night and your home alone what else do you do but shift the furniture or help move your mother two houses up.

3. A hydraulic jack for the changing tyres on a the car its much easier than the factory issued jack- and ladies and gents if you drive a  car know how to change a tyre it’s not hard not to know is just stupid.

4. A tool kit containing the basics. A hammer, shifter, screwdriver’s, adjustable wrench, tape measure for when you need to dismantle or put together furniture, kitchen units, fixing the mower or kids bikes.

5. A first aid kit and know the basics for just incase you driller your fingernail or hammer a finger.

So with my best pluggers, shop trolley and adjustable wrench I was done in two hours with time to still don a dress a head to B3 end of school christmas party be it with a broken nail but I was done and she was shifted.

{Image with thanks to here}

We are having the second storm of the season it hasn’t rained in almost 18 weeks plus that’s a long time for where I live almost drought like but its thunder and lightning and my table is shaking with thanks to not only the vibrations from the thunder but from my dogs Lucy’s shaking.

Its has been hot. I don’t do well with hot, everything is just so much harder when it hot and its moments like these when I have trouble keeping my cool with the boys do I think of my husband and how he doesn’t have the respite I do but then he has 12 hours of non broken sleep and sometimes I almost think we can call that almost even; almost.

So I had intended to do my christmas cards but to be honest I threw a tantrum sent the boys to bed and well lost the mood and so here we are talking to you; a better idea if you ask me.,

So here are the few things running through my head,

1. The bloody power keeps going out. Grr. but someone called me entertainment..I took that as a massive compliment.

2. I offended someone last week and she contacted me to let me know. If I ever do that to you please contact me because if you don’t tell I don’t know and I don’t grow. I thank her for message it meant a lot that she took the time.

3. My young neighbours had a baby nothing new but she is 20 years old and studied her heart out to become a dental nurse all whilst her baby was a new-born. She then went onto work for free for months to gain an employment position. She has a wonderful partner and her baby a delight whom I have the pleasure of having every monday and some Saturdays. Anyway I just wanted to tell you about her because I think she is amazing and yet she doesn’t think what she has done is out of the ordinary..lovely girl every time we see you and your family it makes my families heart sing.

4. My B1 held my hand this week as ran through a shopping centre ..I fell in love all over again…took nine years but it was worth the wait.

5. The storm has passed everything is going to be okay.

6. I’m contemplating a “DIY brazilian’ after my sister/cousin in-law swore that it made EVERYTHING better.. although she had someone do it for her but I can’t tell you that’s not on for me so some tips here.

7. Some pointers for short girls and fashion. I am printing it out, laminating it and sticking it on the wall here.

8. Seven things you don’t know about Kim Kardashian possibly? here.

9. The director of the Exorcist has claimed this as the scariest movie he has ever seen here.

10. There is no ten I need to get off before the power goes out..

Deb

{image with thanks to here}

I sat in the car crying literally sobbing {where the majority of my crying is done} having just screamed my heart out at the boys for not getting in the car quick enough to go to swimming lessons. B1 sat in the front. B2 and B3 sat in the back. B1 was crying.

Why are you crying I said to B1?

Because you scared me he said.

The sobbing from me got harder and the cry became uglier.

It was dark and hot in the car. I was tired and so it all came out. How I was scared that they had become frightened of me. I was so sorry that I scared him. Sorry that I yelled that I was a bad mum. I should have got everyone ready earlier I was sorry.

They sat all quiet and I could smell them. That kid smell.

You scare me when you cry mum not when you yell at me. I don’t like it when you cry I don’t like it when you are sad. I don’t like it when you yell either but that’s your job. My seven year old boy sat saying these words to me, I looking at him my head on the steering wheel.

But you are frightened of me I said to him.

No I am not he said firm.

I lifted my head from the steering wheel looked at him and said you’re not?

He repeated with the words No I am not and so I turned to his brothers sitting quietly in the back. What about you I said.

No said B2 and yes said B3.

Two out three aint bad I said.

Truth is I have had my less than perfect moments where in the ‘after throws’ of my tired tantrums my less than great decisions of spitting of venom I have thought that will bite me on the arse one day. I will be the reason they use drugs and beat their partner. I will be the reason they will be marking off the days in their cell wall. I will be the reason for them being ‘screwed up’. So I have for a long time lived with guilt not just of that but of everything right down to drinking three vodkas on the New Years Eve of 2010 and breastfeeding B1 and that’s the reason he is as quirky as he is and for the record it is not.

Since that moment two years ago in the car I have asked them various times are they scared of me to the point that I was like that desperate girl who says it so often to the man she desires in hope that one day he will slip up and say it to. Yet they never slipped up.

So the clincher came when my kids went to my parents in Darwin last year for ten days. Lying in bed they asked why do we have to go without you Mum?

So I can be the best parent because I don’t think I am.

My boys four, six and eight all in unison said but you are the best mum. We love you.

No I am not is what I said I remember because I was trying to fix the fairy lights on B1’s bed.

Yes you are they replied and pffft mother guilt was gone. Well maybe not pfft but a long slow drawn out fart but you get the picture.

So this is what I have discovered regarding mother guilt everyone gets it everyone even if it’s just for a spilt second. It’s what you do with it that guilt that counts. I can honestly say I no longer second guess my decisions regarding my boys I take full responsibility in what I am doing and now that they understand more and more I tell them constantly that I am doing the best job I can and have done. I will always do the best by them that I can even if they don’t agree. I tell them that just like them growing up being new to them so is being a parent to me and I thank {internally} to B1 for being patient with me. I admit to them I will mistakes but if I do I am sorry. So in telling them and I do on a regular basis {keeping that whole communication thing open} I don’t get mother guilt anymore and on the rare occasion that I get it I act on it. I figure it out because it shouldn’t be a wasted emotion other wise it will manifest into all sorts of useless rubbish. I don’t like waste not in food, money or now it seems emotion.

Like B3 has been a right mister this past week and so being a mister has been the last person I want to deal with. So I have pushed him to the side in terms of spending time with him. Have I felt guilty bet your bottom dollar initially I used the excuse I have been busy with my mum and B1 but I knew in my guilty heart I was taking the easy way out and so today I kept him home from school for two hours for one on one time. Did I feel guilty about school? No. It was two hours and his home life is reflective in his school work.

But the thing is since I stopped feeling guilty and second guessing my decisions regarding the boys I am a better parent in every way and I can honestly say a confident one to. I will make decisions that are wrong I’m not arrogant. I will behave badly occasionally but I’m human and I can say every single day I am doing the best I can do by my kids. And thats all any good parent can do. Is their best. However the by product of all this confidence and ability to use mother guilt in a productive way? Other people’s opinions of my parenting mean nothing to me; nothing with the exception of my husband and my kids because then it means everything which is when I get to say three out of three aint bad.