the fifo wife

It’s the last day of the school holidays the kids are no where as happy as I am simple as that. We took the books over on Friday and the last 89 hours seemed completely achievable to me at that point. It was apparent yesterday it was not as easy as it seemed because yesterday my children were told they would have the childhood I had meaning no takeaways, one TV, no media player, no ipads and no iPods. You would have thought I was removing their arms.

We are now into day two and so far so good. I am however a realist I use those catch 22 devices for sanity lets not kid ourselves or anyone else here they may find their way back into our lives purely for my selfish reasons.

So last day of school its Australia Day and these are the few things running through my head.

1. We went to the lake yesterday the first for summer. The Lake has been closed for some weeks after a gentlemen drowned there however that s questionable given that a body was never found, he lived under two different names, his friends failed to report him missing for over an hour and he was involved with an interstate drug ring. So when we arrived I told the boys I may not swim as it would be my luck to feel that funny thing on my foot only to find it was the hand of dead man but we arrived and I knew he wasnt there spiritually or otherwise. Yes its how I work I follow the crazy its got me through this life it will get me through the next.

2. There was also a number of gorgeous young backpackers both male and female and despite what your thinking looking at those half-naked bronzed Scottish bodies with boyish grins just made me miss my husband.

3. I made the decision to stop doing the my vintage stall at the markets this weekend. Its been a big part of my life for so long but it’s not fun anymore.

4. I wore just my swimming costume into the lake yesterday something I havent done for about six dress sizes. No oversized shorts or shirt to cover the legs that carry me or the body that has produced three glorious healthy boys to cover my body that can run km’s and swim two but to have drown me and hide me. Yet shock horror no body cared. No body pointed fingers and laughed. No body cared they were all to worried about themselves.

5. I was however worried about my boys seeing the vjay jay of some sweet sixteen year old whose pants showed half her arse and then some….a statement here of my own opinion but people get offended by the hijab, burka, men in lycra it makes them nervous and I seriously understand that but I get offended by seeing some woman’s privates on display and no body bats an eyelid where is the public debate about that?

6. For those that like their TV here are some new suggestions.

7. Im putting this in the slow cooker and going to the lake for the day since the dead man isnt there.

8. One hundred years of fashion here.

9. Words to love by.

10. An Australian couple is living my dream you must must follow their instagram account here.

xxDeb

{image with thank to here}

This month brought about so many ah ha moments that if I was Oprah I would have my own chat show by now…

Lying in bed one morning my husband and I woke together and just lay there. The mango season finished it had been a long time between chats. He started to tell me about his time at work and had me in fits of laughter. He is an extremely funny man and so I listened intently as he told me his {mis}adventures about doing the Paleo diet and his T25 fitness program.

For half an hour it was just me and him; the kids awake but not having heard us yet. That time it {cue the music and violins} felt like me and him as we were before we were parents. We were relaxed and happy before the crazy love chaos that only having children bring with it. Invading every silent moment and leaving you with nothing but loved filled smiles of next time? That half an hour left me smiling for the rest of the day.

So asked the other day the one thing I miss now that I am a parent? And I could have gone on including things that we all wish for secretly like peeing on my own, sleeping on my own, being able to do errands without a list, eating a full meal instead of left over’s, showering without tying a shoe or being asked where his socks are were forefront on my mind.

But the truth is its time alone with my husband and relaxed time as well as exhausted time. Long chats before getting up and long chats before going to sleep. I miss slothing around the house with him at home. Just being with him being him and me being me. I miss that with every ounce in my soul and yet the one thing I love about being a parent is when I get that alone time with my husband the moments are woven into my heart like gold because being interrupted by that whirl wind of love and chaos that is created by them the ones who will be gone grown too soon, the ones who take us and spread us thin is to good not to bare.

What about you? Whats the one thing you miss but wouldnt change?

xx Deb 

{Image with thanks to here}

It was drop off day-to-day. Back to work. Back to routine and to reality that comes with the working ‘week’, paying the bills and making the world turn until the next weekend comes around. The kids were with us for todays drop off. It’s never easy with the kids. One always gets teary for long enough to make us doubt for just a minute the reason we are doing this despite having been doing it years.

Today whilst watching the mangroves whiz by I saw out of the corner of my eye B2’s head burrowed into his arm ‘whats the matter? I asked.

FIFO husband answered for him ‘He is upset I’m going away’.

I had a headache from hell starting and its fallacy that girls are the drama queens boys can wear that crown equally well if not better and so I said without turning ‘You’re not Dad is not’ I said flatly ‘going away you’re/ he is going to bloody work’.

The remainder of the drive which was all of two minutes was silent the goodbye however was not. I love you can never be said enough, hugs never tight enough and kisses a plenty. It was a goodbye worthy of all that is good despite knowing you are under the scrupulous watch of the security guard.

Yet I always question myself on that part, the correcting of not going ‘away’ but to ‘work’. Is it my place to correct to make it less of a deal? Because we all have to work and this is what we have chosen.

For me he isn’t ‘away’ he is at work its how it’s always been whether it’s waving him good-bye on a deployment for nine months or for four weeks to offshore contract. Its how we have explained things to the boys. The husband tells me the same it is for him as soon as he steps inside the terminal describing it as a switch goes on he is at work nothing else.

Just like dropping him off for work at a depot its the same for me at the airport but do I have the right to say that in that moment before the switch goes on for him?

To me saying it any other way than going to work is creating the impression of an ‘absences’ from us which to me when said as going ‘away’ is to leave us without a purpose other than work and one I associate with a ‘holiday’ and this is far from a holiday no matter the end you are at. And I want my boys to understand the difference to know the difference.

We wouldn’t after all make a deal about dropping Daddy off to work at a depot so this to me is no different but in the moment of when my child is dealing with some grief or we are two minutes out from the terminal {because I’m not so worn to this lifestyle not to understand there is a window of grief and adjustment that happens and how you deal with that is a whole other post} but do I however have the right to correct my family and place it into the perspective that we have agreed on or not because I’m not the one ‘leaving’ or ‘going away’ and the switch has not yet flipped for him yet regardless that it does for me the minute we commence our drive to the airport.

Tell me what do you think? 

xx Deb

Recently I came across something about happiness and have ever since been embracing my grumpy days with a bad set of tracky dacks and a pair ugg boots and not caring who knows about it.

Because being grumpy or having a bad day it makes me happy in a odd way yeah it does, it teaches me stuff about stuff and me . And I would much rather be cranky and life taught than happy and ignorant all the time. If we don’t have a bad day every now and then how are we to deal with the tragedies of life. Life would be as disjointed as a news reader following up a massacre story with one about a surfing three-legged dog its awkward and unnatural.

So consider the following and hurrah for the bad day and all it has to teach us..

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don’t mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep” and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness.” Ask yourself, “Is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.”—Hugh MacKay, author of The Good Life

xx Deb

{image with thanks to here}

Its lucky that my password is saved to computer because otherwise I may never be able to get back into the dashboard of my blog its been that long between posts. And I know you have noticed as much as I that the time between each is getting longer and the excuses for not writing greater and vaguer.

Truth is I miss writing but when my husband asked me the other day if I was going to write one particular day because I had not written for ages I said no I’m not in the right head space. If I had that day it would be proverbial vomit of shite because for whatever reason my positive attitude and sunny disposition has taken a leave of absence without even the decency of telling me. So naturally like any child does when something they like is taken away from them they sulk. And so I don’t write I however miss it. It’s just that as honest as I am, I’m sure you don’t need to hear all the vomit running through my head because otherwise you may never come back again or would you?

Would it make you feel normal to hear that I hate the way I look. That I’m broken-hearted that my kids were not asked to play anywhere over the school holidays. That I was hurt that someone be them childless insinuated that my children were better behaved in my husbands care than mine when I take absolute pride in how I parent it’s my job after all.

Would you stay or go to hear that my elderly 13 year old dog has gone completely blind and I’m angry about it and I know it’s just a freaking dog but she is my baby. That big boy the cancer trial dog is well but still dying before my eyes and I can not do a freaking thing about it. That someone I care about has cancer and despite the fight its beating him and Im freaking angry about that to.

Would it make you feel normal or make you run away to know I have been searching websites to see if I can find ways to find my style again because with more weight gain which I can only attribute to hormones lack of sleep and damn knows what else and it possibly can’t be my love of freddos I have lost it and lets not start on feeling like a ‘mom’ sigh I feel like a ‘mom’ and not in the ‘milf’ way.

Would it make you stay or run away to know that I am so freaking tired of battling the shite in my head, trying to understand the ignorance and rudeness of humans, the need for people to be nasty asses to others but realising it makes them feel better and every morning I question why can’t we all just get along and what is with all the killing of each other. Would it make you stay or go that I get so inwardly cranky with people who have the support of their family for everything yet whine and bitch about them while I am try to work out how I can go back to work because as I discovered despite hating mango picking I sang out loud more than once something I haven’t done in years and yet the only way to go back to work is too push friendships but then they are my family or is that just on my side? Im lost and Im tired of it.

And lets not get started about the constant itchy I have encountered since Mango picking. For the love of all that is mighty I would sell off what is dearest to my husband to get rid of the itching.

Would it make you feel better to hear all that? To feel normal or would it  make some of you say {and yes I am one of them} that would say first world problem Deb; you have your health be it that you’re a fatty, your children be it naughty you have them, you are alive. Get your shite together!  Your head out of your oversized ass?

Yeah thought so.

I will try to be more regular whether you’re here or not because just getting that out tears and all has made at least one person feel better and even that one person is me its worth it and I would love for you to comment here on the blog but I can not get the commenting plug-in to work for jabbas sake but will keep trying because I would love to hear your preverbible vomit too because it feels good to pull the plug sulk and stamp your feet once and awhile.

Big love

Deb