the fifo wife

Oh gosh lovelies the weekend came and went that so doesnt happen often and it was a good weekend. I can’t stress how awesomely good it was but then I think it goes hand in hand with my new ‘attitude’ I found since not working out side the home and going back to working inside the home, whole other post. But anyway today is a rainy, cold Autumn day and yet I am about to get myself together and go for a swim in the heated pool in town.

We climbed a mountain yesterday- we so did- it was only 4.3kms long round trip but had a summit of 1017 I know doesn’t sound like much however much of it was literally vertical with ropes to help pull yourself up. Awesome it was, however, my kids bounded up; the youngest literally running most of the way while I wanted to vomit at various points. That feeling of being unfit made me so cross with myself. I have always regarded myself as rather fit and so we are stepping it up a further notch and missing the gym because of class readings the heated pool will do.

So in saying all that these are the things running through my head.

1. Last week was my last week working outside the home and as much as I loved working be it with avocados I’m glad to be home. Inside baking cakes, writing, cleaning weet bix off the wall and all that glamorous stuff. Ask me in three weeks and I’m not sure my answer will be the same.

2. I had dinner with friends on Friday night. They brought wine. I had to borrow more wine from my neighbour. The dramas of a nonish drinker and the embarrassment of assuming that they were because they never mentioned they did.

3. AM back to writing my menu plans its madras lentils, roast chook with lemon and garlic, minute steaks, mushroom risotto and the week wouldn’t be complete without spag bol now would it.

4. I’m going to Darwin next week my father’s sister is visiting there. She has never been out of New Zealand, and so they haven’t seen each other for 22 years. She wants to surprise him she thinks it’s great I do believe he might have a heart attack.

5. I have started watching Penny Dreadful that’s as thrilling as my evenings are at the moment.

6. I want to be as snappy as her when Im 90 years old here.

7. We are go getters so naturally how to stay fit and healthy as one. Here.

8. If you use facebook then you need to follow these guys here.

9. I started writing my life to my boys in these journals here and I could have just prinnted these but as keepsakes this is more special.

10. Cried and cried . A mum stands in for her son at prom because of a car crash. Here.

Why didn’t you do it, mum?
Because I was afraid I said looking straight across the table to B3, who was passionately eating some chicken nuggets. If only he ate all my dinners like that I thought.

‘Mummy was always being asked to be captain of her sports team, dance team; I was always being told by employers I should trust myself my more I never did not really. My personal life I don’t hold fear, but I was professionally fearful. The idea that everyone is looking at me makes me want to vomit. I am frightened of making a fool of myself and failing. ‘ I said to him wondering if telling them this was a good idea.

B2 looked at me his blue eyes popping with a smile.
‘I am not afraid’ he said.
‘I know you’re not’ I said, ‘but I know when you are.’
He smiled again his gappy front teeth telling me everything, ‘but I will try anyway’ he said.

I looked at B1 eating silently then back to B3 who continued his merry way downing every nugget in front of him like it was his last meal.

I was just about to sigh with relief that the fear factor I have hadn’t been passed on to them when from the far corner of the table came B1 ‘That’s how I am mum. I am frightened of everything all the time’.

Now despite knowing B1 has his quirks and social challenges I have never thought him a fearful boy he seemed so brave as he trundled through life in his own world. So while I wasn’t surprised to hear it. How he feels is normally kept to himself despite how often you ask.

I wanted to reach across the table, but that would include an awkward reach amongst the sauce bottles. Stupid now because my kid is worth the sauce stains on a house dress. Instead, I slid up the pew to sit across from him.

‘Are you I’ asked again.
‘Yes’, he said ‘All the time’.
And so a hot lump raised in my throat, and my eyes watered as I looked at him going silent again.

‘Well, I said to him trying to shake the lump being scared a little is okay its what makes us careful and makes us make good decisions. And yours B1 are the best but if we are frightened all the time it will stop us from being the best we can be.

‘What are you scared of now’ they asked me in unison.

Just stuff I said looking at them all assuming they are all three years old again and that the conversation was over.

It wasn’t.

‘You’re scared of my spider’ asked B3 picking up his fake plastic tarantula.

‘No’ I said smiling at him.

‘Naw’ was his response with such disappointment.
‘No for me its work stuff’ I said grabbing the BBQ sauce.

‘So it’s the same stuff’ B1 said quietly across from me chewing open-mouthed on a chip.

Yessssss I replied as the penny dropped surprising myself and realising that B1 had linked a & b together. Something uncommon for him.

‘Well’, he said preparing to lick the plate clean before eyeing me and thinking better of it.
‘I won’t be scared if you won’t’ he said.
‘Okay’, I said it’s a deal.

Now let me tell you there is nothing like making a deal with nine-year-old who gets it as much as you if not more to get your crap together.

So here is a couple of steps to deal with fear no matter what it is because in the three months since this conversation him and I have made massive progress.

1. Work out what exactly you are frightened of. I’m scared of needles and making a fool of myself- professionally. My personal life it’s on donkey kong but professionally its a different story. It’s a confidence issue but lets not even get started on that I have worn a hole in the couch already.
2. Think positively Hence my optimism. I can’t see any other way to think. It’s a trick of the brain otherwise some days I may never get out of bed nor write. Thinking positively keeps the fear at bay.
3. Consider all outcomes seriously. All potentially worst case scenarios. This is a favourite method of mine when step five aint working for me. Are they that bad that you shouldn’t do it? Nobody will die if I get rejected by Mindfood magazine when I send them that pitch. The worst case scenario that could happen is that my husband finally loses it because I have aired all our laundry to help others but so far he is still here.
4. Set goals to get over the fear. Steps to get to the prize so to speak. It may or may not be a step by step guide to putting my feet on the floor in the morning.
5. Just jump in the deep end. B1 and my own current and favourite method. Thus far, it’s working and wouldn’t you know it. I am still waking up in the morning. Mindfood hasn’t responded, nobody died, and my husband is still talking to me.
xxDeb

I have been away so long that there is webs on the key board however farm work is done and here I am back to what I like to do most. Trust me if I am to pack or pick another avocado I will cry. We shifted 15 tonnes a day 15 tonnes ah but thats not what your here for.

Anyhoo so I have been away so long I am unsure what you might like from me. Shall we travel on the same path and I just bumble along or or would you like to tell me what you want?

I would love to know what you want and w

ell incase you would like to tell me what you want I whipped a little survey to help me know you. Its just seven questions long and would be super appreciative if you could take the time to answer it for me.

No information is shared with a second or third party just little ole me and that will never happen. Ever.

Link to tell me what you want from here is here.

Thank you sweet things..

xxDeb

You must be still in your thirties she said because you still care what people think about you and I bet you get your knickers in a knot that people may not like you or your opinions.

It was my gynecologist and I nodded as she took her head out from between my knees. My gyno is the most awesome woman in the world. Seriously. Coolest woman ever apart from my friend Ms R.

Yeah I said kind of.

You know the trick to that she said?

What I propped myself up on my elbows, closed my knees and tried to recreate some decorum.

Well she said once you realise whats important to YOU she said emphasising it with the schlick of the gloves coming off then everyone elses opinions thoughts ideals be what they may of you or what you think they may be will fall by the way side.

I do know whats important to me I said.

Perhaps she said not really believing me but the minute you know whats important to you being ‘selfish’ suddenly becomes all right. Knowing what you stand for, believing in yourself knowing your opinons and whats important to you will change your world.

And it’s either that or the fact that I’m nudging closer to {hyperventilating} 40 but she is right.

What do you think?

Is that key to not caring what people think?

Do you have another tip?