the fifo wife

When you meet my husband, it’s hard to imagine he ever gets stressed. He is one of those men that have their shite together, how he got so lucky and married me I don’t know, but he did and so over the past 17 years we have taught each other more things than Wikipedia teaches you explaining the gist of Game of thrones. This is especially so with this relationship business and how to have a grown-up one.

So previous to being a grown up when my husband was stressed, went quiet and withdrew it would drive me insane. I would say he was sulking, being an idiot and complete doosh bag. Then one day, not overnight, I grew up, and I handle his stressful moments a lot better because it occurred to me it was not about me rather all about him and to think it was me, kind of made me self-centered. Especially when he had said what the problem was and it didn’t involve me but some big hairy bugger giving him grief.

Now because I’m an oversharer and we have just come out of a ‘stressful’ situation here are some tips on how to handle things when your partner is stressed out. It is no particular order and I’m not a professional.

1. Don’t take their behavior when they are stressed out personally. When stressed everyone reacts differently. I like to eat, not sleep, over think, yell and on occasion run, he likes to withdraw and think- crazy I know. Which for a slightly neurotic girl like myself naturally meant one thing; it was my fault. Him not being able to talk to me in that moment means I would completely take it personally and hound the shite of him. Surprisingly this made the whole situation worse.
2. Give them what they need. For most blokes, this is space and some time to brood in their man cave with their TV remote, lawn mower or shed. For women, it’s a packet of Tim Tams, a run at the gym or a natter with another woman. I think as long as they tell you what the issue is its fine for them to brood, eat or withdraw for a reasonable amount of time. Although if they are stressed for too long something needs to be said regarding getting help or clarity with delicacy or not depending on their personality and in extreme cases appointments made.
3. Don’t take their need to tell someone else before you personally. There is a usually an excellent reason for it, especially in a close relationship. As long as they tell you, I think it’s okay to speak with someone else. I wrote about it here but consider the circumstance before getting hurt about them not talking to your first.
4. Don’t try to fix the situation for them. This attempt at fixing makes it worse; trust me. We don’t need to repeat the scenario, but it makes it worse and you look like a dick. No one can fix a ‘stress’ other than the ‘stressee.’ To try and fix the stress just creates a whole new level of stress. As hard as it is to watch on don’t touch it. It’s a lesson only they can learn from unless you interfere and then it becomes yours.
5. Ask them what they want you to do. My husband requires nothing usually but for me to just listen when his ready and I have learnt now to be patient. Whereas I like to eat, lose sleep, cry, verbally vomit and then want to be left alone while I regain my composure and the energy from the said stress.

Best of luck.

Deb

A few months ago I was talking with my husband about the issues I {we} were having with our son at school. He was at work, I was at home, and I was a wee stressed over the whole shebang. I was losing sleep over it as you do and having cried and sobbed my way through the conversation I finally said after a huge sigh but how are you? I’m okay he answered and yet I knew he wasn’t so I asked again.

I’m okay he answered and yet I knew he wasn’t so I asked again.

I can’t say he said.

Why not I said to him.

He replied because If I tell you my problems we are not focusing on yours and B1’s, and that’s adding to your load, not solving the current one. You and B1 are currently more important, so I want you to focus on that. My issues can wait. You can’t focus on him if you are focusing on me.

Now normally being the seeker I am, I would have hounded him to tell me, but the truth was he was right. At that very point in time, I didn’t have the capacity support to him in a way that would have been productive {or healthy} for him or me. I loved him for recognising and understanding that it wasn’t that I was being selfish, I wasn’t not wanting to help or share the load its just I couldn’t. I wasn’t able to be his confident and ear at that point because I was being B1’s and my own whilst dealing with no sleep.

So a few days later once we had sorted out B1’s issues I said hows things what was up the other day? And true to his word he spoke about everything that had been bothering him, and I at that moment I was able to give him my complete support and attention.

I would like to think that if the problem were pressing he would have spoken up or talked to someone else he trusts like a friend or colleague because sometimes you can’t support each other at the same time. This is when self-care comes in. In hindsight, this is something I have been doing for my husband for along time. If I know he can’t fix the problem or I think it will cause additional worry when he can’t do anything because he is in the middle of the ocean I won’t tell him until I have it at point where I can tell him but I will always tell him because not to creates something between us and it doesn’t sit right with me- for us, but each relationship and dynamic is different.

Ensuring you tell someone halves the load science tells us that. So telling a trusted friend a problem or gaining support from and outside source until you can share it with your partner is not a bad thing; its taking care or your mental health as well as theirs. Being entirely dependent on your partner for everything is not healthy not only for them but you. In a today’s modern lifestyle, I think we depend far too much on our spouses for everything. I think sharing the load between family and friends is good for everyone involved, it builds relationships, community and that can only be a good thing. Humans thrive on community science shows that too.

So when my husband says I can’t tell you right now, I’m completely cool with that. We can’t be everything to everyone all at once.

xxDeb

Life line 131114.