A few months ago I was talking with my husband about the issues I {we} were having with our son at school. He was at work, I was at home, and I was a wee stressed over the whole shebang. I was losing sleep over it as you do and having cried and sobbed my way through the conversation I finally said after a huge sigh but how are you? I’m okay he answered and yet I knew he wasn’t so I asked again.
I’m okay he answered and yet I knew he wasn’t so I asked again.
I can’t say he said.
Why not I said to him.
He replied because If I tell you my problems we are not focusing on yours and B1’s, and that’s adding to your load, not solving the current one. You and B1 are currently more important, so I want you to focus on that. My issues can wait. You can’t focus on him if you are focusing on me.
Now normally being the seeker I am, I would have hounded him to tell me, but the truth was he was right. At that very point in time, I didn’t have the capacity support to him in a way that would have been productive {or healthy} for him or me. I loved him for recognising and understanding that it wasn’t that I was being selfish, I wasn’t not wanting to help or share the load its just I couldn’t. I wasn’t able to be his confident and ear at that point because I was being B1’s and my own whilst dealing with no sleep.
So a few days later once we had sorted out B1’s issues I said hows things what was up the other day? And true to his word he spoke about everything that had been bothering him, and I at that moment I was able to give him my complete support and attention.
I would like to think that if the problem were pressing he would have spoken up or talked to someone else he trusts like a friend or colleague because sometimes you can’t support each other at the same time. This is when self-care comes in. In hindsight, this is something I have been doing for my husband for along time. If I know he can’t fix the problem or I think it will cause additional worry when he can’t do anything because he is in the middle of the ocean I won’t tell him until I have it at point where I can tell him but I will always tell him because not to creates something between us and it doesn’t sit right with me- for us, but each relationship and dynamic is different.
Ensuring you tell someone halves the load science tells us that. So telling a trusted friend a problem or gaining support from and outside source until you can share it with your partner is not a bad thing; its taking care or your mental health as well as theirs. Being entirely dependent on your partner for everything is not healthy not only for them but you. In a today’s modern lifestyle, I think we depend far too much on our spouses for everything. I think sharing the load between family and friends is good for everyone involved, it builds relationships, community and that can only be a good thing. Humans thrive on community science shows that too.
So when my husband says I can’t tell you right now, I’m completely cool with that. We can’t be everything to everyone all at once.
xxDeb
Life line 131114.
