It is my birthday today. I’m 39 years old not 21 like my mother said to me this morning. 39 years old I’m happy to be 39 years old and next year with some deep breaths I will be happy to 40.
Now I’m not writing to tell you it’s my birthday but just that I’m grateful for being here having this knowing you and being alive. I was grateful before now more so.
Last year and the years before I avoided the phone I let wishes go to message bank. I didn’t want a celebration, cake or presents. It was just another day and it wasn’t that I was getting older it was I don’t like fuss and I don’t like being seen or some centre of attention rubbish like that but the death of my friend {She would have been 39 also on the 11th of this month} has changed me in so many ways that I’m busting right now.
So whilst I don’t need presents, cake or a party because that is not my thing today isn’t just another day it’s the mark of another day of being in the universe surrounded with the people who love me. So whilst I know when I’m gone I won’t feel it I want to make sure they, you, them know how amazing they are and how grateful I am for having everything I could ask for. That it was an honour to know them and the difference they made in my life.
I only have room for good stuff now. I made allowances before now there is none, life is short and unexpected and birthdays are a privilege, not everyone gets one every year.
Perhaps its part of the grieving process and all of this is mad ramblings but I’m loving different especially my boys if that makes sense. I’m okay with everything, what made me anxious before controlled things me for so long no longer does and I’m not hiding from myself anymore for you and those around me that may or may not be a good thing but it doesn’t matter.
It probably doesn’t make sense to anyone but me but that’s okay.
So today I took calls from loved ones and said thank you.
I’m grateful for today. I’m grateful for everything including that grey hair and the jowl droop because some aren’t fortunate enough to get them because the universe had a different plan for them.
If it is your birthday..happy birthday..if it’s not have an amazing day regardless.
xxDeb
