‘Thursday you can go to Myers I will look after the kids at the concert while you go get your bag’ he said.
Nah its okay I said I had wanted to stroll through Myers but then said okay Thursday.
I didn’t plan on going back to the city and wanted to use my gift vouchers before November came back around and they were no longer valid because I know myself well; I’m that important in my own opinion.
So Thursday came along with him going back to work and so to the city.
Arriving at the shops he said you go into watch the concert I will meet you there after I have parked the car.
Okay I said.
The concert came and went he still wasn’t there. I called his mobile, he did not answer. The boys and I walked to Kmart, the optometrist and back again where we could see him standing looking down into the concert hall.
Where were you I said?
I had to go to the optometrist and the chemist he said.
You want to go to Myers he asked.
You want to get to work on time I said and we headed to the car to get to the airport so he could make his flight.
Initially I got angry at him for being a ‘selfish so and so’. Always doing what he needs first or so it seemed at that very minute.{says now the wife of the husband who leaves the home for a month a time all awhile putting what he wants on hold for a month}. And it was in between getting into the car and driving to the airport that I got angry not at him but myself in fact I had a- aha moment although I did fail to tell him that.
Me; I will put everyone else before me. Always. I’m not a mater, depressed, low in iron, salt, sugar or vitamin B it’s just the way of the world and being a parent who likes to make sure everybody is happy; except herself. The side effects of no self-worth is bad haircuts, holey knickers, an over love of freddo’s, missed gym appointments, occasional bouts of self loathing and being last in line for the what ever you’re in line for. And yet just like the tale of most parents’ lives it’s not always been the case. Pre kids I was strong independent and to a degree sometimes detrimentally selfish but kids marriage are good for strangling that out of you for me it was a god send but perhaps god got overzealous. And yet I’m not sure when I lost it – this self worth I know I had some at some point during this parenting ‘journey’..
So it was watching him walk into the terminal did I stop being angry at him but at myself for losing/loathing myself so much that I would put off getting stuff done for me because I didn’t think it I was important enough. I was angry that my self-worth on how I saw myself, how I treated myself was that low that I realised I hadn’t brought a new pair of underwear for over twelve months, I hadn’t had a hair cut in seven but hadn’t said something nice to myself in so long. I was angry because I liked myself once. I thought I was ‘alright’. Yet this still happened despite my husband saying to me do you need anything but me saying no because it meant the kids would have to go without something when the reality is they didn’t need it in the first place.
I got angrier realising he wasn’t being selfish because reality is that not him, it’s just that if he didn’t go do those things then and there. Get the things he needed he would never get the job done and god help our kids two have two parents with zip self worth. Putting himself first was a necessity on so many levels.
So what was the difference between us?
Nothing but me myself and I. And that is set to change my friends because the only one that can do it is me. And yes I will be the woman chanting silently to herself {or not} as she sashes through Target you need this, you deserves this because your a nice person you really really you are.
Convinced? Yes I know habits are hard to break things are easier said than done but something has to give otherwise I will be my mother and whilst I love her to the moon and back there is not room in the universe for two of us.
Xx Deb
