What are these Deb?
She turned to me from making her coffee with my ‘meds’ in her hand.
I stopped and thought for a minute. I hadn’t told her or my family that I was on any ‘meds’ because there are a lot of thoughts around ‘med’s’ in my family.
They I said with a slight raising of my voice are my crazy woman tablets she looked at me confused.
I take them for my periods I said. My moods make me nervous and scared. I don’t want my kids to be scared of me like I was you around that time.
She looked at me and I waited for something anything.
Instead I got; okay and she put them back next to the toaster.
I turned back to my toast with a slight ‘wtf’ eye brow raise and a silent thought that was that went so different to how I expected it would and continued eating.
Truth is for a long time I was embarrassed and angry I had to take them these ‘meds’. I tried so many alternatives to avoid the taking of them fish oil, magnesium, meditation all of that and then I finally realised I need that 10mg of Lovan that my doctor and I worked out via trial and error. I didn’t want to take them because {or tell anyone not that it was anyone business} because I was embarrassed because people would think I was ‘crazy’ like the Jack Nicholson type, that I wasn’t coping was fragile and had to rely on a medication to seem ‘normal’. And I was angry because my body wasn’t taking care of its self the way it should and that I had to get something into help it.
Six months on and I’m still angry at my body which may or may not help but I have come to this conclusion my kids are not scared of me..I am not scared of me…the relationship I have with my husband is better and I feel like I am slowly waking out of a sleep and that 10mg that I take with my morning coffee has made a difference to my life in such a positive way that I shouldn’t feel embarrassed or angry.
And it shouldn’t come with a stigma…if I forget to take it I don’t go into a blithering mess and I don’t turn into a crazy lady things just becoming foggy and hard for me for awhile which in-turn becomes hard for others. Taking that 10mg makes me want to be the best parent, person, wife, I can be. It makes me want to exercise, take care of myself and others. How can that be a bad thing?
Do I think I will stop taking them? I hope so but I won’t not until I have worked out how I stop fearing myself how I stop that feeling in my chest and so I have looked into other options to deal with that all awhile still doing the meditation, the fish oil the magnesium and generally taking care of me.
Yet my meds for my head the chemicals in my brain which get thrown out of whack by my hormones a complete theorised condition and therefore a medical illness are just like taking an aspirin for my heart there is no difference and yet I’m not angry or embarrassed about the aspirin I take every morning and further more people don’t bat an eyelid at that.
So I still have a long way to go in that regard but I will not be part of the stigma that comes with taking ‘meds’ and truth is whilst I am angry with myself I’m not ashamed anymore that I need that half little pill. Not that it’s anyone’s business in the first place how I got to be the healthiest I can be.
Deb
In case you want to know the why for the ‘meds’ here.
