This isn’t my story but it is so telling it is hard it’s about my FIFO childhood and that of my parents now and then but it’s an important one because its memories like these that I live by. I have seeked permission by my beautiful parents to tell it.
I was eight or so when I heard my father tell his mate that my mother was the reason he hadn’t fallen completely into the abyss of the 80’s excess of drug, alcohol and rock n’roll so to speak. ‘That without her he would be nothing’. I can tell you the day what I was wearing and what we were doing. Saturday afternoon it was the end of the dry and beginning of the wet because I remember the feel of the sun on my neck, the sun feels it feels different in between the seasons. My Dad was in his Australian flag Speedo’s sitting on the third step of our swimming pool his mate standing leaning up on the side and I was treading water on the left side looking at them both. I don’t remember who the mate was but I suspect it was the husband of the woman who ‘shock horror’ wore a white string bikini nine months pregnant and I do remember my Dad was on a weekend from Gove and had that brown red glow to him that he gets from being in the sun.
I remember thinking that’s amazing and how much I loved my Dad for saying it what I didn’t realise was he never told my mother. As much as I love my parents it’s what I believe is their downfall, its what made marriage hard for them. My mother is as bad as my father for not talking. FIFO life for them was a necessity it was not a choice like it is me. Life presented them with challenges like step children, alcohol, drugs, my teenage years and goodness knows what else that they kept from me so Im not saying I know it all but what I did see early on was they unfortunately they stopped talking about stuff. They did fight though when things finally got too much but it wasn’t often you saw them talk although I know they did early in the morning before my mother went to work but perhaps they didn’t talk about the right stuff because marriage from the outside looking in has been hard for them.
Why they stopped I’m not sure because they didn’t want to worry each other perhaps? Perhaps it was and is their way? FIFO back then in the 80’s was even more isolating than it is now. The why I’m not sure and I can’t answer that for them and I’m not about to. What I do know is that they loved and still do love each other deeply they have been together for over 40 years they have endured ups and downs and they provided me with an amazing childhood that needs to be emphasised and I wouldn’t be who I am without that and I am forever grateful.
But.
I often wonder if they knew how life; marriage would have been easier and less complicated if they could talk to each other properly if they could tell each other how awesome each other is and that’s so important. Life is hard enough when you don’t talk its harder when FIFO is in the mix. So the message of what’s important here it was their choice not to tell each other what the other was feeling that’s not FIFO’s fault and FIFO or not and once you stop talking stop telling it’s hard to start again having been on that brink before.
Fast forward to last month I am sitting in my Aunts kitchen in New Zealand my mother is looking after my kids at home whilst I care for her sister and my father calls.
He sounded flat and you could hear the wobbliness in his voice. What’s wrong dad I asked? Nothing he replied. Nothing rubbish I said do you miss me I joked. No he said. Sure I ribbed him on. If you must know I miss your mother he said. Oh dad I said I will be home soon and so will she. Have you told her? No he said and don’t you either. I sighed.
Something I guess are too hard change when set in motion so the message is don’t allow it to start always keep talking and telling no matter how hard.
I did tell my mother one day what he said her response was your father would never say that yet I know different and it’s a pity its only me that knows.
xx Deb
{image source from here with thanks}
