I went to deliver some lollies to my sister in-law the other day because I had been thinking of her; she asked me how I was and well instead of saying great I started to cry. It snuck up and came from out of no where. I managed to hold it because well it was the start of the ugly cry. I was at her work peoples. Her work.
Sh@t was what I was saying as I looked furiously at the ground trying to focus on sucking it up.
She looked at me not really know what to do because. She. Was. At. Work.
Where the fruit loops was it coming from this public display of emotion which for me borders on gross indecency yet in truth I knew because up until the other day I was handling everything just fine. FINE. I have a wee bit going on as everyone does and currently it’s all so finely balanced that if I could just balance it a wee bit longer it will pay off but emotionally its taking its toll and for the curious of you it’s nothing to do with FIFO or handling of. So how did we end up there?
Simple the day before I had had a coffee with a friend and well it took me back ten bloody years.
My friend who I haven’t seen in some years discovered that when husband goes to work I prefer not to go out. I go out but things are not the same and I feel like I am doing wrong by him. Now it should be mentioned my husband would never say no to me going anywhere in fact he encourages me knowing my ridiculous independence but this is the deal.
When my husband is at a work so am I. When he comes home I’m on my weekend. We are a team. My husband can’t ‘go out’ without the exception of the gym, TV room or walking the heli deck. There is no going out for him. For 28 days and nights straight. So when I do go I enjoy it but at the same time I feel guilty like I am cheating him like a business partner tucking away a few extra drinks at the Christmas party not the torrid affair kind of cheating. So I will go out and I could go out more but I don’t. I also don’t drink when I am at work. So as a result my place in the community is skimming on the border. I know people and they know me but I’m not too involved. I am placed where I want to be. I’m involved but not and I like it. Besides I am busy with my family, my writing and my shop. There is one of me three of them (my boys that is) thrown in the work and the menagerie I’m keeping and I’m lucky if I have time to put my knickers on.
Yet my friend he found this odd and he questioned my true happiness of the situation well at least that how it came across which I suspect went along with a little amount of pity. He wasn’t being malice, he wasn’t being hurtful he was genuinely concerned. And I should know this it’s typical for someone that doesn’t understand the lifestyle so I should have brushed it off and ordinarily could have but it was the possibility I was being pitied that was the clincher for me. If there wasn’t that look or tone I would have been okay. There is nothing worse than being pitied it’s an insult to me but as a result of my friends visit I mulled it over all night and most of the morning. Add my extra stuff going on and well here we were at my sister in-laws work sucking up the ugly cry.
Just that single question are you sure your happy over and over being asked or that can’t be right- made me question myself like I was a newbie to the whole FIFO gig but I am not I’m 14 years in defence , mines and offshore. I have been there done that. This crying, second guessing worrying about what people think is what you ask yourself in the start not 14 years in.
Long story short..the purpose of the post I have no idea..none but I had a bad day..and I wanted to tell you in case you thought all my days were diamonds because ..bad days happen 14 years of defence, mines and off shore bad days happen. Even though I love this lifestyle LOVE it occasionally I have a bad day usually brought on by lack of sleep..extra crap going and then there is the fact that I hate the pity..I hate it more than the bad day when there is no husband to wrap my arms around and tell me its okay. You can say what you like just don’t pity me. This is our choice our consequence and FIFO or not- not every day can be diamonds some days just like every body else’s days sometimes they consist of diverting the ugly cry and that is really very okay.
xx Deb
