a fifo wife {fifo life: real life fifo: I have sucked at being a mum these past weeks}

Tuesday.

What’s wrong he asked. I’m tired I replied. Tired? I buried my head in his chest. We were standing in the kitchen having morning tea and I walked over for a cuddle. Yeah tired I said to him. Do you want to go back to bed now he said while the boys are at school. I shook my head I’m not that kind of tired. I wanted to tell him but didn’t know how to say it without sounding like a monster. I started to cry. The ugly cry in front of my husband. It spilled over and like drinking a really good vodka orange on a hot summers day I couldn’t stop the ugly cry.

And for those about to judge me please don’t bother just un-friend me or un-subscribe I don’t care because this is my honest truth I’m not proud of it but honesty is my thing and this is my blog and my story and if we were all a bit more honest there would be less crap in the world.

This feeling tired was something I was having trouble containing. I couldn’t hide it you could hear it in my voice like venom. My lowest point was this morning I had yelled at B3 this morning because he just wouldn’t let me talk; at all. I relived the morning over and over in my head he dropped his head, his bottom lip quivered, then he walked away and I didn’t care. I just let him go. My justification he was asking me the same question over as I tried to speak to his father and I was tired. What I should have said was bub I’m talking instead a I yelled “go way” at close range into his face; something if done to me wouldn’t be acceptable. I scared him and made his father stop our conversation. They were my last words to him not I love you before he left for kindy a rule I never break broken.

Ah my husband said. He knew what was coming. He stroked my hair as I sucked up the last sob and said its the boys. I love them they are beautiful I’m blessed and but I am tired of them. There it was out there in the universe for it to be used on to me how ever it saw fit. I waited for his reaction. I’m sorry I said not wanting to look at him. What for was his reply. I feel so guilty about it I said still not looking. They are my boys I love them so much but I am tired because of them and yet we have just come off a holiday. What’s wrong with me I said.

Nothing he said That holiday was with them; doing stuff for them making them happy he said and I can tell you are tired your face your voice tells me so. Baby he said whispering in my ear you are with them 24 hours a day. 365 days a year.Your days are long and when you aren’t with them you are doing something for them. I understand he said and its nothing to feel guilty about every one deserves a break and you are about due. It doesn’t mean you love them any less and its okay for me I get to go back to work you don’t ever leave your work place. I would go nuts too if I was you.

Yes is all I said as I turned to clean up some vomit.

Fast forward to Thursday.

My day is about to start. I still feel the same. I am tired and annoyed at the thought of having to make school lunches. Then I read something that sparks a thought in my head. Next year is ten weeks away and all my boys will be at school. The weekends will be my only quality time with them. There will be no daily morning tea together, watching ABC 2, swimming lessons, library crafts or shopping trips. All of that will become holiday fodder spaced at 12 weeks apart. Hmm is what I think I’m torn between sadness and joy at the thought.

I hear them waking. The chatter disturbing the peace as they start looking for me for their morning cuddle. Still warm, cheeks flushed and confused from their sleep. Every morning they seek me out regardless of what cross words have bee said the previous day. Like a clean parenting slate its my favourite part of the day.

I sigh as I realise something and it’s not very nice.

I have sucked these past few weeks (just weeks not months I feel the need to clarify that) at being a mum. I take pride on being a good mum I love being a mum but I have not been and I will offer an excuse to a point. Mumma tiredness..it’s going to happen, this is a tough sometimes thankless job that can get tiresome. I know because at the beginning of the year I was carrying on that it gets easier and it does but still you get tired. Still you need a break. You are wearing more than one hat and sometimes all of them all once. Throw in a FIFO husband, little support and those that are around you don’t want to wear there help thin then if you are like me add to that my ridiculous independence and its a recipe for one tired mumma especially towards the end of the year. And whilst ‘wishing the time away’ isn’t exactly the expression its the one closest to what I can find.

My slap in the face understanding is this I haven’t been putting my best foot forward and yes I am tired and all mums need a break but this is the thing, this is my job. It was my choice knowingly when I said yes lets have babies. Being the best parent possible is my job but currently I am doing everything else but be with my children all awhile looking at the clock like I’m a sitting at a dead end job waiting for Friday. My being tired isn’t their fault. It doesn’t give me the right to ignore them which is essentially what I have been doing by not being present just there providing them with mediocre care. You don’t have to be present every second of their day its not fair on you and its not humanly possible but a good chunk is what they deserve I don’t think I have even managed these past few weeks a third. Which is my loss because this time it doesn’t come back around ever again. Some of that is good… lets be honest how good is it not to have to wipe some ones bottom? But some of it rips my heart out that it will soon be gone and that’s the part I will miss but its the way this parenting gig works and soon they will leave me.

Ultimately however my realisation was some parents wake and their children are gone forever by whatever horrible reason.

So weekend away booked (I’m not a maryter and neither should you) I’m standing by my motto suck it princess and take some semi amount of joy in ABC 2, strawberry jam morning teas , craft and I will…after all I have just 10 short sweet weeks left before I’m am not a stay at home mum to babies any more they are boys requiring less of me. A lot less of me..cue tears now.

Something if I’m honest I am looking forward to but not. I don’t know if I am really ready but that is a whole other post.

xx Deb