Handsome fifo husband is home. The house is twice as noisy and the fifo boys are excited beyond belief. They are literally hanging off him. I missed my morning cuddle. Ignored they went straight to dad. Mum wheres mum?. I have just been the carer for the last month how easily I am discarded…lol..seriously though as I watched them smoother him with ticklish dinosaur love I was happy a far cry from when the boys first entered this relationship. Here is confession number five..how they are rising..
Long before now I was jealous terribly so. Not of my husband but of the relationship that my husband had with my children it was crazy. I don’t believe I behaved in a jealous manner but I felt it. I guess its something that this fifo life can bring unexpected feelings, relationship issues that normally wouldnt present them selves in a conservative family. I didn’t know initially what the feeling was, Ive never been jealous before. I couldn’t understand why they discarded me so easily after I worked so hard all month for them. I resented my husband for it. It made me inwardly angry and I would withdraw from being a good parent when my husband was home. When he was home I cared for my babies but I stopped playing with them, giving them kisses. I felt somewhat hurt by their exuberance and affection they felt for their daddy. Yet when he returned back to work I was the same old me again and they were the same old them.
Now I know most will say I don’t understand how you can be like that well I was. Most will say its normal look at how kids can be with there daycare carers and their mums but I couldn’t see that perhaps I was tired perhaps hormonal I dont know but I never meant for it to happen but thankfully my husband didn’t allow it to carry on for to long. Per normal in the car on the way to dropping him off for work he asked me what the matter was; I was different with the kids. I simply told him I didn’t understand what was wrong with me why did I feel this way and what was it. I told him I felt angry with the how the boys loved him different to me.
Jealousy he said plain and simple. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you didn’t feel jealous it means you perhaps didn’t care. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity. So what are you insecure about he said and whilst I denied it at the time I was frightened I was a bad mother because my babies didn’t behave like that for me. They didn’t go crazy like that for me. What he did point out was who did they want when they fell, when they where sick, when they where feeling anxious..me. He was here every second month like a new toy. He was right. He was a novelty to them. Didnt that make you sad and angry? No he said because I know that they love me. So that was it. As soon as I said my fear out loud as soon as I realised the reason behind my fear and jealousy it disappeared. Gone forever.
Now I relish the space the opportunity to breathe and laugh at my husband as he now struggles to cope with the insane dinosuar love.
xx D
