I have three amazing boys. I love them equally and unconditionally. I love their individuality. I love how they have taught me so much about life and myself. I love them so much.
Yet I have confession we will make it number four ( I told you that there was many) and should my second and third baby ever found out they (which they may now do…duh) may be hurt but its the truth yet its not a reflection on how I feel now.
I was watching the BBC series last night One born every minute. Its a show about women, labour and babies. Forty camera’s in a labour ward in the UK. Any first time mums out there with impending labour watch and learn. I wish Id seen it and not. Its real life. It shows the very first moments of birth. The first moments of meeting the newest little member of your family. I watched in awe, amazed and reminiscent of my own births. I remember each birth in explicitly. What I remember most about my first birth was the love. The amazing amount of instant love and protection that I felt for my baby as they layed him on my chest. I was surprised at my self for having that feeling, it was instant love and it surprised me. I now know what they say by a mothers love. Days later I was still riding that wave of love as I remember husband asking me in the car ‘do you love him’ and I remember replying with all my heart and crying along with it.
So when baby two and three came along I was some what surprised that those same feelings of instant glorious love didn’t come. I cared for them. I watched them in awe. I cuddled and kissed them. .I was motherly. It wasn’t postnatal depression (I think that came much later with b3 as I struggled to cope) I held and interacted more than I did with B1. The fact that they were mine still amazed me and I knew that I would love them but I didn’t have that instantaneous love for them that I had with my first baby. I did grow to love them and whilst it wasn’t hours or days but more like weeks I loved them. And love them I do. How I love them. Equally with out condition.
Now some will say it was because I didn’t labour with my last babies because I did for 36 weeks for b2 and 38 weeks b3. Labour in my opinion starts at conception. Its hard work right the way along what with morning sickness, back ache, moodiness, and all the other complications that can arise. People can be some what blase about pregnancy. And I have also met another mother who was brave enough to discuss this topic openly (after all who wants to admit they didn’t instantaneously love there babies) and she had three babies all natural births one being completely natural…no pain relief at all..brave and crazy. So I’m not sure what happened and I don’t really care. If it had gone on for too long Im sure I would have seen someone; I think, because I knew that the love would come and yes it did. I LOVE them without condition and yes I have what they call a mothers love.
xxD
