Go and get a coffee, my husband screamed at me yesterday like I was a two year old. Well to be honest it was a little more ‘ruder’ than that but I like to keep things clean somewhat here; he also pointed his finger out the door and said it again in case I missed the point. Me I put my hands by my side stormed out the door got as far the path and seethed. I was so wild with myself, I growled.
I didn’t go for coffee. I went and started the taxes and bass statements instead because they need to be done and well that’s my job.
The reason for the adult size tantie? In the daylight its nothing. Nothing. I lost my patience, is all. It was hot wash day because well we I discovered that B3 has worms; so it’s worming and hot wash time. Bugger the fact that its cold and raining everything, EVERYTHING has to be washed. So whilst I was stomach high in washing; my wonderful FIFO husband buggered off to mow lawns for the fire brigade and neighbours. Ordinarily fine. I get that they needed to be done. But he just toddles off without telling me boo where he has gone. And whilst I’m not in need to know where he is at all; that’s not the point here, he just goes because he can. And usually I’m okay with that but not yesterday.
Yesterday it was me, the washing, the dirty house, the boys fighting, the cloudy sky and the frustration and the dawning that ‘my’ job and that’s what it is and I take pride in that fact; never sees me with a day off. Never. I can’t just grab the lawn mower (or the equivalent) and leave. I’m accountable to someone, some seven in fact 24 hours a day 365 days a year. My job doesn’t end every four weeks and I get some new scenery I just get the same lot every day. And whilst I’m complaining I’m not you know?
So my husband scurried after that. Even though he had done nothing wrong he scurried. He made me lunch. He made me coffee. Yet I couldn’t look at him I was embarrassed. I have never lost my patience like a two year old in front of him before but there has been lots of first this month.
What’s up he asked? I started to cry. Head down. I didn’t want to make a big deal, embarrass myself anymore than what was going on. Is this about the lawns he asked? I wasn’t going to say hell yes this about the lawns and the fact you feel you can just leave at any friggen time of the day and not tell me. No I wasn’t going to say any of that and then well it just poured out of me like freaking Niagara Falls. I don’t get to leave my job ever I said. I love my job I do and I take pride in that fact I’m a stay at home mum but I just can’t bugger off when I want. My job doesn’t end after four weeks and I get to leave and see new people. I felt guilty saying it out loud. Guilty that even though I love my job as a stay at home mum it can be the same thing day in day out and some days its can well suck and today is a day where it sucked.
Go on a holiday he said. Thanks I said but that’s not what I want. What do you want? Well I don’t really know I said I guess I want to just bugger off when I feel like it. You can he said. I can’t it doesn’t work that way and let’s be realistic I can’t and when I’m not so tired and frustrated I’m okay with that. I love my little posse.
Yes it does he said when Im home he added rather to quickly. When Im away no we don’t have that luxury and thats just how it is but we knew thats how it was going to be he said. Basically he was giving me my own advice ‘suck it up baby, it comes with the lifestyle’. So now that he is home I am (buggering off) because well I am tired and this stay at home mum gig is losing its appeal somewhat and I’m not doing the best job because well I am tired. And my performance appraisal aka the kids tell me I’m having one to many adult tanties that pretty soon I will be deed polling my name to Mc Enroe’s wife instead of the fifo wife.
It is funny though that it gets forgotten (or perhaps taken for granted I’m not sure which) as stay at home mums that we may get tired. That we to may need a break. It gets forgotten that it’s a tough job. That someone’s whole development whole outlook on life depends on how we perform and this job has an extremely tough clientele. Some days we get it right other days it’s like what the crap happened there but still we go to bed and do it all over again. All awhile keeping the frustration, the not coping, the doubting, not daring to whinge and whine because well as mums and stay at home mums we don’t get the right to complain because that’s what we signed up for. Yet like everything it has its good days and bad days. And so the crap days get forgotten and the 24 hours a day 365 days a year roster starts again.
And that is okay because that’s what I signed up for but I just need a little quiet sometimes you know. So this weekend I am just buggering off. I don’t know where or for how long but I’m going and I’m getting infinity more excited about it. I’m even more excited because my husband has taken care of it all. He loves me what can I say? He gets it, sort of.
And It’s a not a holiday. It’s my weekend. My first weekend off work since March.
I need it to recharge. Regroup and just have a break. To be on my own for just a minute. To go to the toilet on my own. Shower on my own. Dress only myself.
Does anyone else have the occasionally mummy break to refresh and recharge the batteries? Do you go away? What do you do?
xx Deb
Thanks Emma..thank you for taking the time to comment its what keeps me going..lol..those damn rose coloured glasses been there done that and Im so pleased you have found a balance its so important for every one!! Thank you emma Im glad you found me to!!! Look forward to hearing more from you xx D
I love this! I was nodding the whole time I was reading!! I only have one 7 month child so my life may not be as hectic as with 3 but to do this job well is a tough gig and in the last week I finally did something for me and it was FANTASTIC! Every week off since my bub has arrived has been about my partner and his ‘time off’ and part of it has been the adjustment that its not just us anymore but part of it was the guilt that he is the one earning the money and he works damn hard for it. It has taken me 7months to realise that I may not be earning an hourly amount but I work damn hard too and its a 24hour gig, no over time rates, no annual leave. The few times I have broached the subject with my partner he just replys ‘you knew it would be like this’…but reality is not the same as what naively pictured through optimistic rose coloured glasses. So this time I did something child free everyday, it may have only been for an hour (and some days as simple as a walk) but honestly it has made the biggest difference!! (and it gave one on one time for my partner and bub which I think has sometimes been lacking). I had my plans all written out so when he arrived home I showed him and he was free to work around it with his plans for the week. Im so glad I found your blog!!!!
Hi Deb,
In answer to your question…. No, I don’t get a break either.
Up until recently it was so bad I was actually waiting hand and foot on FIFO Hubby when he was home; bringing him drinks, taking his dirty plates to the kitchen, cooking and washing up by myself in the kitchen while he watched t.v. or played x-box. (In camp they don’t have to cook for themselves, clean or washup. Their beds are even made for them while they are at work.) We have since “worked things out” and I now get help around the house when he is home.
I understand they work damn hard and long hours while they are away but a family and it’s ongoing responsibilities don’t finish at 6pm when it’s knock off time. Sharing the workload makes the jobs easier and take less time leaving more time for husband and wife to do something together they enjoy while he’s at home. Even if it’s just going for a walk or popping down to the local coffee shop while kids are at school or in daycare.