As the mother of boys, I have been a massive advocate of teaching the boys about sex, and consent since they were little. Discussed always at an age-appropriate level but it’s been an ongoing and evolving conversation; never more so now that we have teenagers in the house. It would be a conversation we talk about regularly.
I think it’s important to mention that consent doesnt always have to relate to sex and so our teachings have been based on other situations because talking consent to a three-year-old or even ten years old regarding sex is a bit uncomfortable for all involved. However, teaching a child no is the same as teaching consent for later on.
How to teach your child consent.
They don’t have to cuddle or kiss people. This was a bit of funny one in my house to start with because its not something we have agreed on. However, this was my reasoning for my decision. I never have forced my children to cuddle or kiss anyone even family. Often this put peoples noses out of joint however I recall being a child and told to cuddle my parent’s friends and I hated it.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like them or had no respect for them I just didn’t want to cuddle them. Cuddling for me was intimate and reserved for my nearest and dearest. I didn’t want my children to have that. family or not doesn’t matter if I child doesn’t want to cuddle encourage them to shake hands or high five. Their body is their body and goes against the teachings of the consent of you do otherwise.
Teach them that no means no, no matter the situation. When the boys were little we would say no or stop and then enforce it with the ‘whys’ to create understanding. When B1 was little a friend was over and they asked if they could do something. I answered with a NO and his mate said quietly it’s just your mum lets do it anyway. Proudly B1 turned to his mate and said but she said No.
Teaching them one no is enough. Recently we have started having conversations with our teenager that if their partner is saying no in an intimate moment but hormones are telling them (and their partner) different, it’s still a no.
Silence is no. This could be argued that silence is consent however I disagree. Too many things happen because someone gets caught up in the moment, and they don’t know how to say no. Often they don’t want to look like a freak or hurt their other feelings.
Often social cues are missed like the case of the comedian Aziz Ansari I remember being a teenager and driving an adult friend home. He asked me to stop in a car park and being the teenager I did. He asked me to get out of the car and I did. We sat at a table in the dark where he kissed me. Throughout the entire time, I was silent and I let him kiss me not because I wanted to but because I was too terrified to speak. He was twenty-five years older than I was and should have known better.
Impairment means no regardless of yes. This is a massive one for us. We have spoken to our teenager and stressed that if someone is impaired by drugs or alcohol, it’s no. Even if they have just had ‘one’ is no. These things as we have explained can affect someone’s ability to make judgements and they will often do things they wouldn’t normally do.
Let them talk about themselves. My kids have spoken about their ‘bits’ ever since they were little. I have never discouraged them or laughed. I only asked that they used the correct language and in an appropriate environment.
Talk about sex from a young age. I have always talked about sex but again at an age-appropriate level. It should always be an honest conversation using the correct terminology. I think that key in making it less awkward. I have never gushed or felt embarrassed about their questions. Knowledge is power. The same talk goes for puberty. We talk openly and frankly about changes going on in their body.
Don’t embarrass them about having girlfriends or boyfriends. Another rule in my house that was a bit of a hard one to swallow was friends asking if they had girlfriends (or boyfriends) when they were six and teasing them about it. I think it shuts things off a bit when the time does come. Not only did I hate it as a kid its a bit icky if you ask me. It’s a bit like calling a child sexy not in my house. No way.
Build confidence and respect for themselves. This is my answer to everything. Its what will see them through the trickiest parts of life; puberty and beyond. It will see them through bullies, bad grades, and broken friendships. Talk to them about their talents, their kindness and their uniqueness. Teach them what is unacceptable behaviour from themselves and others; having confidence will allow them to stand up for disrespectful behaviour.
Social media and reality. With access to the internet and social media, this one came on to my doorstep a little bit earlier than I wanted to in the case of my teenager. A little earlier than we expected and a complete surprise (we have the highest content blockers). It was important that we didn’t shame but explain that social media and explicit material isn’t real life and shouldn’t be an expectation. That the lack of consent in explicit movies is not real life. Fortunately, his curiosity was satisfied and he admitted he found it all a bit too violent and gross.
Ask for their consent to social media. As the boys have got older I have started asking their consent in the posting of images or situations on to social media. I was mindful before but more so now. I must show my understanding of consent as much as them.
Teach them to stop locker room talk. My husband is a massive teacher of this and I couldn’t be prouder. He preaches that you don’t tell your mates anything about your encounters with others. Never kiss and tell and never get involved with derogatory talk about peoples partners or women with their mates. It’s no. You also don’t allow that derogatory talk to happen in front of you or them.
Another lesson is related to internet etiquette they don’t share inappropriate images with their mates, they don’t ask a girl for them and they don’t accept them from a girl. As my husband tells them to allow it to happen is disrespect to themselves and the person being talked about. Recently a young girl on B1’s bus asked if she could send him a picture of her in her bra because she took a fancy to him. To my delight, B1 said no and she should get some respect for herself.
Consent is something that will forever be evolving in our house. Knowledge and talking about the big issues is the only way to create power and change.
How do you talk to your children about consent and sex? Would love to read in the comments below.
