If someone could tell you if your relationship would survive the test of time by just looking at you and your partner- would you listen? If they told you it had nothing to do with the size of your wallet, your house or car what would you think?
Well relationship researcher Gottman has an amazing ability based on years of research of being able to tell who will, and wont survive the ups and downs of marriage. Gottman says by watching the social interactions between couples Gottman says he can predict with 94% accuracy who will and wont survive. Gottman calls them the Masters, and the Disasters and apparently their is one key thing that the Masters do that everyone doesn’t.
The key to the happiest of marriages.
Gottman explained in an interview that the Masters have a habit and its so simple. They are always scanning the environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for to their partners. They are building a culture of respect and appreciation purposefully. The Disasters, couples less likely to survive, scan the environment for their partners mistakes, creating contempt and resentment.
This contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there. People who give their partner the cold shoulder—deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally—damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner’s ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.
Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together…And is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. There’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.
There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise.
I think that this is so true. How nice is it come how from work and know that your partner may have started dinner. Or they come home and just take the kids because they can see you just need five minutes to scream, shower or wallow in silence. They see and act on what they can do for you.
And whilst there are many reasons for relationships failing; if you look at what ultimately breaks many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. Instead of focusing on kindness, and letting the pettiness go, they hold grudges. They allow the distractions, and stresses of life pileup and pull each other apart, when all it takes is a little kindness.
What do you think? I would love to hear your experience. You can read the whole article here. Read how to create kindness in your kids here.
