When I was younger I lost more sleep over what someone had said and done to me than I did from late nights out dancing. Whilst I was a confident person as a teenager and in my early twenties, it was in my late twenties that taking things personally often struck. During my career, it popped up a every now and then but crept in silently on a more permanent basis after the birth of my first child. Those years as a new parent was where my confidence and self-esteem waivered- a lot. Part and parcel of the exhaustion and anxiety that came with my inability to ask for help, high expectations of myself and what I felt at the time was lack of community. I didn’t fit anywhere.
Regardless of it stole so much time and sleep from me over the years. Then consequently a lot of my self-worth. It happened most often when my husband was deployed and later on extended swings offshore. I was still relatively new to my town and then a new parent and whilst I didn’t need my husband to function I had no sounding board. No voice of reason and most often what wasn’t a problem usually became one in my head. I had no one to tell me to stop.
Taking things personally or being too sensitive I think is a big part of wavering confidence, self-esteem and some times mental health issues. Lucky for me I have had many of those in the past- I don’t like to do things by halves. In the light of day, my husband’s absences in those moments have been the biggest push for me to deal with my issues, retain my value and cement my worth.
I do think its part of growing up its part of self-esteem and confidence. For some it comes and goes until their self worth is cemented but for some learning to swim through the self-doubt that comes with taking things so personally is important. Important because they will always be a bit unsure of themselves- always.
Now having said all of that there have been a few sleepless nights these past ten years it goes with being human but there are not nearly as many lost hours as there were in my late twenties and early thirties.
The silver lining to those sleepless nights is I can now see the telltale signs in my children and we can talk through what is happening, as well as helping cement their self worth and help create more confident resilient kids.
How to stop taking things so personally.
It’s not you, it’s them
Understand that other peoples behaviour and response isn’t a reflection on you but themselves. However, having said that don’t be someone’s doormat. Speaking to you like you’re a piece of rubbish every day is not okay because they had a rough shift. That does not make it okay. It means they need to leave work at the door or sort it out with their shift manager.
It’s not all about you
I know anxiety and poor confidence can make it seem this way but seriously it’s not. The first time I read this I was like wow, totally true, the passage was actually more about being self-centred as the reason for taking things personally and to a degree possibly but I think self-confidence and anxiety more so. Put simply there is more going on in the world than just you.
Take a moment
Give yourself some space to go over what has happened and reflect on other possibilities, the reality of it, not the hyper-reality that’s in your head.
Take a positive
In that space of reality understand what has happened and take something positive from that.
Don’t make assumptions.
Someones response may not be what you are interpreting at all. Talk it out either with the person involved or someone else who can offer a third point of view. Don’t make assumptions. Get clarification from the person if you need don’t jump to conclusions. Be honest about what’s going on in your head. Yesterday I texted a friend. What do I do? I asked. She texted me back with the very reply I needed. I do the same for her. She is outside the moment and sees it from the third point of view. I can always count on her for an honest reply.
In the midst of the situation and moment, it’s not easy but once you can understand and learn how to stop taking things so personally its empowering. Your confidence will grow and your need for outside influence to settle yourself becomes less. You become your own resource and the reality is the only person you can truly rely on is yourself. Fitting in doesnt matter, liking yourself and being comfortable with who you are is.
xx Deb
Image is with thanks to Sharyn Cairns here.
