I recall to talking to my dearest friend one morning on the phone when she said to me I am surrounded by people and yet I am so lonely. How is that possible she said?
It’s something I shall never forget because everyone loved her. She was the most beautiful individual and so I found it amazing that she of all people could be lonely. I understand I said to her it’s the most horrible feeling.
Ten years on it profounds me now that people in a time of social media, the internet that society has never been so lonely. So much so it’s now considered a public health issue with real physical health effects. Loneliness is attributed to heart and mental health issues.
Personally, I have never more found myself lonelier than I did when the kids were little, and since then I have learnt ways to combat it when it creeps in. It is something that comes and goes as people come in and out of our lives. Our lifestyle, the way we chose to raise our children together with my ‘ideas’ on life have meant that we were always a little to the left of the circle. I come from a small family and struggle to make connections even when presented with them; perhaps my own worst enemy. Add to the fact the husband is at work for long periods of time loneliness whether you are surrounded by people big and small or not life can happen.
Loneliness, by definition, means sadness, because one has no friends or company, but it is more than that. It’s the feeling of sadness brought on by lack of connection with people or thing (my opinion); its why even when surrounded by other people you feel so alone. Loneliness I believe must be the most isolating feeling of all because it’s all encompassing and if loneliness is not treated then that isolation you feel starts to affect your mental and then perhaps your physical health.
Recently a study done by Cigna with over 20,000 in the United States revealed some interesting research on loneliness. The study found that the worst generation to be affected is Generation Z (adults aged 18 -22 years). Social Media use alone is not a predictor of loneliness. Those who used social media heavily to those that didn’t was not remarkably different. Only half of the participants had meaningful in personal social interactions such as with a friend or family member daily probably the saddest statistic of all. One in five people felt that they rarely feel close to people. One in four feel people don’t understand them. Two in five feel that their relationships with others are not meaningful. Almost half of the participants felt lonely 46% or left out 47% and those that live with others are less likely to feel alone, however, this doesn’t apply to single parents even if they live with their children are more likely to be lonely. There is also an inherent link between loneliness and the workplace.
I however for the sake of my own health have learnt how to deal with my loneliness because it’s a fact of life there are going to be periods where you feel ‘lonely’ it’s a matter of learning how to deal with something that can feel incredibly isolating.
- Work out why you are lonely? Is it a lack of connection? Are you tired? Is it a self-confidence? Try and address the issue. For me, when the kids were little it was because I could go days without talking to another soul apart from my husband 4000kms away. I was too exhausted to do anything beyond what I was doing and then when I did speak to someone because I was so out of practice talking to other adults or so tired it was gibberish. I would then over analyse it, decide I was a nut job and go back to be a hermit for the next three weeks. I see now how it worked; hindsight and more sleep give you that clarity.
- Learn to like your own company. I’m an only child so I learnt this long ago, so I don’t mind my own company. In fact, I often crave solitude and fortunately, my husband gets that but regardless of it’s knowing when to return to society, so I don’t become a hermit is the trick.
- Talk to people, anyone, make a connection with another human. Chat with the person serving you coffee, the checkout chick, the receptionist at your kid’s school, not only does it give you a human connection, it keeps you in practice of how to talk to people and perhaps an opportunity to make a new ‘friend’
- Go back to your family both extended and intermediate and if that’s a bit hit and miss consider researching your family and finding out who you are it may create new connections that have been lost due to ‘conflict’.
- Accept that this could be part of who you are and get comfortable with it. Some people are introverts and that’s okay. Its who you are. Be proud of you. Having one or two friends is enough for anyone. Don’t view being an introvert as a bad thing it’s not.
- Develop a hobby. The trickiest one of all – at what point do parents particulary parents on their own have time for a hobby and at what point do they recall what they like to do? But find something. Start to study, craft, write, bake or cook for others. Create a connection with something you love and people inevitably come along the way into it as you develop it.
- Physically take care of yourself. Those that took care of themselves in the study physically as well as doing their best to get sleep were less lonely.
Beating loneliness is about creating a connection be it with yourself, another human or something that you love; from there a community will evolve even if its just a little one.
Much love,
Deb
