Its pretty common knowledge that I have suffered {or suffer} from bouts of anxiety. I have written about it soooo many times, Im like that annoying back neighbour. I have had two bouts of depression in which I needed medicinal help for. Both those bouts of depression when in full swing have been brought on purely by exhaustion and anxiety. Both the latter are fuelled by sleep deprivation.
I have dealt with both of these myself and with the help of my GP over the past five years. She encouraged me to use a mental health plan and talk to someone but I am a slower learner so I didn’t. Prior to children, I suffered what I considered general anxiety and self-confidence issues but nothing compared to what I have had these past five years. These past five years have been a doozy.
The medication I went on both time for my depression was great, it did exactly what it was designed to do and anyone suffering from mental health issues should speak to their GP about getting the chemicals in their brain rebalanced, however, I soon found the medication was increasing my anxiety levels an ironic side effect. I soon came off them and decided to try another approach.
Exercise and honesty. I learnt by acknowledging my anxiety I dealt with it better but never really knew what caused it and why it would flare up when it did. I never really knew why I would wake up in the middle of the night with that heavy cold feeling in my chest that spread from the inside out leaving me sleepless for hours. I never really knew why because my life was and is great. I would take care of my anxiety by exercising and what I felt was talking about things that bothered me but still, my anxiety was crippling me, except I was functional but not.
The crunch came at the beginning of this year; I was turning 41 and decided I didn’t want to live like this anymore. I was three weeks into having only slept no more than 4 hours a night for three weeks. My husband’s cousin bless his heart was ringing me every day to make sure I was okay. I was seriously tired in more ways than one and remember thinking is this how it’s going to be for the next 50 years? I asked myself did I want my kids to see me likes this for the next 50 years? Someone who isn’t really themselves and using the excuse for her short temper of being tired. I was giving it my best shot but I wasn’t my best version.
I contemplated going back onto medication but decided unless I was to find out what the issue was nothing was ever going to help me so I booked a hypnotist because that’s all I needed right?. I thought she would give me the tools at least to deal with my anxiety better because at this stage I was pretty much resigned to the fact this was life for me, afterall mental health issues can be genetic and passed down.
When I arrived to see her it wasn’t what I expected and I immediately became doubtful that I had made the right choice, after all, it was costing me $150.00, however, I persevered never judge a book by its cover.
We sat down and she went onto explain that she was not only a hypnotist but a counsellor, I cursed under my breath and for this, to work, it required work from me. I had never been to a counsellor because I never thought I needed one and truth be known I was embarrassed that I might. I know breaking my own rule about talking out your problems but I talked to my husband so I figured that counted but the difference is he couldn’t get out of me what she did.
Without boring you about the complete details of the appointment she asked me what I wanted from her and what I wanted myself. I remember telling her I was always having trouble finding my feet and I wanted to feel balanced so I could be the best parent I could be. So I could go on to teach my middle boy who was suffering anxiety to thrive and I wanted tools to help me get out of whatever was holding me in this unbalanced spot. I wanted to thrive because currently, I wasn’t.
She took this on board asked what my strengths and weaknesses were and I could rattle them off without an issue; in that regards, I’m fairly self-aware perhaps the crux of the problem and so she proceeded to do a timeline. It was during this stage she asked for of all my significant memories and how I felt at the time. I had heard about this theory before and so felt safe in what she was doing. The theory is that you get stuck in that time period or you carry those emotions with you if you don’t understand them. The exercise was interesting and what it brought up; but in the true sense of myself I explained away why the other person had the right to say and behave the way they did.
It was halfway through the appointment that she said to me “Deb you are paying me good money we are not going to fix this if you are not honest with me about how you felt and not why they might have behaved that way.”
Why that made a difference her saying that {in hindsight it was probably because I still couldn’t warrant talking to her after all my life was good, my childhood was great once again the marvels of hindsight I had no right to be here} but it made a difference and the Hoover Dam opened. However, I will cut you a long story short to avoided drowning you in the details and it’s worth mentioning this isn’t anyone else fault or a sob story it’s just the way it was.
As recalled my memories the pennies started to drop, the two and two’s were being put together then everything went click and I said out loud without thinking I have never felt very smart and I don’t think I’m good enough.
Truth is I have never felt very intelligent from day dot and I do often joke about it here but along with not feeling very smart, I have learnt from I’m not good enough for anything else either.
It was as she repeated my words back to me and as I was apologising for the snot that was pouring from my nose as the ugly cry spontaneously happened that I went to say but I am smart. I am more than capable and I am very much worthy of my place here. I mean the stuff I have done I said to her. The things I have achieved how could someone who is stupid and unworthy do these things I said. Suddenly everything coming to light, the hoover dam dried up and well everything becomes rosy- well sort of- its a work in progress, let’s not get carried away here.
Exactly she said.
I suddenly felt very proud of myself. A feeling I had felt fleetingly through the haze of anxiety and whilst the session was months ago a sense of surity of myself has stayed because despite saying the words to her I have never felt very clever I know it not true. It’s just not and how dare I think otherwise. I wouldn’t allow my child to think that way so why make the exemption of myself.
We went on to do the hypnotherapy session at the end to deal with the final ends of anxiety and it was nothing like what you see on stage. There was no dancing of chickens and whilst I was ‘hypnotised’ I wondered if I even was because I only felt relaxed, the only thing was I couldn’t open my eyes like I wanted too.
Now to say it has my cured anxiety it hasn’t because it still pops up but what I have found is I now instinctively breath out like she had instructed in my hypnotherapy session; without fail. I still wake occasionally with that tightening in my chest but again I instinctively breath out, and I’m now more likely to be sleep deprived because of my seventeen-year-old poodle needing to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I feel different and I know I am because I am back to speaking my mind something my husband loved about me when we first met and I’m happy and I feel balanced without feeling or wondering if I’m bipolar.
The best part I have found is I’m losing weight without even trying and I think it because I’m not longer in fight or flight mode 24/7. I’m on cruise control and whilst its not always going to be easy for me at least I have refound my feet and I’m running.
So my advice having now taken it myself- talk to your family, your partner, your GP but also invest in a councillor a professional. You can do it via a mental health plan on Medicare, or privately speak to your GP about who they can recommend but do it. It will be the best thing you do for yourself because its there job to find out the problem and help you navigate it. If you are seeing someone without results you then find someone new.
Life line 13 11 14
xxDeb
