I hung up from talking with my husband this morning with a sigh. These past few swings have been the trickiest by far and I have struggled emotionally with them just as I am today after realising I may not have handled a parenting moment with my husband as well as I should have.
We have been doing this since before the kids were born. This is life for us. We are okay with ups and downs because we feel that the quality time that an equal time roster gives us is worth it. We work as a family to ensure it runs just as smoothly as if we were a ‘regular’ family and I think we do it better because we are all aware of the consequences of what will happen if we don’t. Relationships are built and they aren’t something that will maintain themselves and I will be honest I have never felt like a single parent even with my husband 400o km away. He has always been a hands-on parent. He has parented every day and more so on the days where I couldn’t despite being in the middle of nowhere with just a phone in his hand.
We have dealt with the missing of the kid’s ‘firsts’ already both husband and I. Both of us have missed first words, first crawls and first walks. He missed them because he was at work and I missed them or he saw them because I was in the toilet or outside. It was disappointing and in truth, outsiders seemed more upset than we were but it was okay because the disappointment never lay with the kids; it lay with us because let us face it- they were to young to remember or even know what the emotion disappointment was. Ask them who was there and they cant tell you- but I can.
So these past few swings have seen another round of firsts for the boys. First days of high school, first triathlons run, first on stage dance performance, first serious cross countries and the husband has been at work for all of them. The difference is; is that the boys wanted him there. This has been the tricky part, dealing with their initial disappointment, the tears, the unexpected I miss dad from a child who is as stoic as they come and then trying my hardest to make sure the husband didn’t feel it too. It has been so hard that it brought me to tears several times and I have felt guilty that I was here and he was there.
It makes all those first that we missed when they were little incomparable because this stuff was and is important to them. Now I know that hardly any other parents were at these other events and so whats the big deal? Parents miss things; it’s going to happen and as someone said when I missed my kids cross country they have to get used to it but it is different because we have made it so.
Resiliently all the boys said themselves as long as dad is there for the really big one, as long as he sees me train that’s what we care about but my heart has still ached and my mind has battled with each of them.
I did my best on the first day of high school, I had husband call as soon as B1 got in the car and we all spoke excitedly together. He and I both heard about his day together not missing a single detail. I sent a deluge of images and wept profusely the details into the phone as the first triathlon and dance performance was run. Husband, in turn, asked questions, he gave advice, he rallied them on and sent his love. He did the best he could and more but did I do enough as the person here because naturally I have taken or took on everyone’s emotional health on as my own.
Now looking back I think we have or are doing okay because this will continue to happen; its life but I do think we are doing it right because we know how important this is. Because even though these firsts are important we are engaged in the everyday mundane stuff. We invest in every single moment we can with our kids not just for the big stuff and they know it. They also know as much as these first are character moments, personality shapers, lesson teachers at a vital age but so is the everyday stuff. The regular parenting of showing up, being interested and just being there is the important stuff. And whether we are there in person or on the phone we have built a family that is together beyond a phone and a picture well that’s at least what I keep telling myself. I think we are doing it right for now at least.
xxDeb
