Laying in bed last night my husband rolled and said in the dark Are you happy.
I hesitated for a minute.
Yes, I said.
You took awhile to answer he said rolling back but not following it up any further.
I never answered him but the truth is I am happy, happier than I was or have been for awhile. I don’t expect to be deliriously happy all the time. I’m never going to be one of those bouncing off the walls happy people. They are annoying to my disposition so to become one would be all sorts of offence on myself. Opening a whole new can of worms of self-loathing.
And in truth I don’t think you can be deliriously happy all the time but if you can see snippets and have pieces of happiness and more importantly contentment then your on a win. Being happy 24/7, 365 days a year your whole life is not possible. Growth doesn’t come from complete happiness and I like ‘growing’ as a person. I believe it makes you more of something.
But how did I find it after so many months of being without it? I can’t. I can’t tell you how to find the happy it was never the point of the post more just an update because so many contacted me after this one but I have come to learn a couple of things about myself on finding the happy.
Acceptance of yourself. Being okay with who you are and that you will have flat days it is part of who you are as a human. Liking who you are is the happy game changer. It will turn a matte finish grey day into a gloss finish grey day. I have always had a strong, good sense of self it whats what my husband fell in love with but motherhood can confuse the self out of you. However, I not only like the person I was before children, I like who I am now and if I were a stranger I reckon I would be okay to be friends with.
So as the kids file out of bed, searching for me in their confused state to cuddle me, my heart can almost not bear it, contentment has found me.
I am for this minute content and happy, and that’s all I or anyone can ask for.
Xx Deb
