Where to start- so long since we did a few things post. For those that a new its just a round up of my lasting impressions of the world around me, the internet a journal. It is a blah post and my way of easing into the week.
As my son said last night ‘Mondays, really are the most horrible day of the week but once its over its over.’ I replied with it’s the day we start our work/school life routine, and unfortunately we can’t have one without the other.
He grumbled how much he disliked school, and we returned to the topic of worrying. We are all currently in a state of worry but what I find most worrisome is my vibe- there is none.
Usually, my vibe will tell me ifs it’s going to be okay, and I rely on it for everything, and as I have got older, it’s got more intense and more correct.
So I think that’s the scary part there is no vibe. There is no ‘gut feeling’. I wouldn’t say I’m ‘physic’, but my gut, my vibe, my intuition is rarely wrong although perhaps with age I’ve mistaken my vibe and just become more neurotic with an irritable bowl and I shouldn’t rely on my gut but some sort of probiotic.
Anyway regardless of the gut, my worrying has been passed on to the kids, and while they aren’t worrying about dads job it’s about other stuff like no chocolate cake or what high school they will go to? Stuff is keeping them awake or giving them bad dreams. They are six and seven they will have an ulcer by eight at this rate, and so it’s got to stop, so I told my husband this morning when he called I can’t hear it anymore I can’t listen to what might happen.
It’s making me literally sick. The neurotic control freak with an irritable heart and no gut can’t handle the no control situation we have going on.
So my natural solution is put my head in the sand of all negative and focus on today. Focus on this very minute. I don’t write a list that just overwhelms me more when I’m like this.
Negative blinkers or head in the sand is how I manage anything, especially when I’m worried or overwhelmed. I focus on getting up, eating breakfast and getting my shoes on. I will repeat the process in my head. Getting my kids fed makes me a champion.
Being overwhelmed without control increases my anxiety a shite fold, but the reality is no one is going to die here so whats the point of worrying? Can I do anything about it? No so what’s the point of thinking about it? However, easier said than done when it’s had a grip on you for so long.
So having got that far here, here I am with shoes on at my desk. The kids are at school, the husband is at work, the elderly dog is on my lap, and I’m writing about my gut or loss of because I’m trying to break free of the anxiety and worry that has consumed me. You can’t imagine how pleased I am with myself right now for just writing this.
Anxiety being overwhelmed makes me antsy, cranky and sick. It also makes me stuck. I explained it once. I want to do things so badly; I want to write so badly, but can’t, I’m stuck. I lost my ability to ‘just write’ when I offended someone. There the initial out in the open. Their version and my version weren’t the same. To me, it’s a given however it wasn’t that simple, and I have never been able to write without the angst since. I’m trying to fix that because it’s part of ‘anxiety’ I have.
So this week I am aiming to write out three of the 475 drafts I have in my folder. Pulitzer Prize winning stuff it isn’t however, I think you would have worked out long ago that’s not what I am about.
My reality is what it is, and this is it.
xxDeb
Postscript. I feel like I should write thanks for coming, and I feel like its all I have gone on about and you inevitably will walk away unclick like and mutter neurotic witch as you close the door. For that I am sorry, but its consuming for me and this is like therapy for me. I am trying to fix it, get back to where I was. I am just human.
{Image is the work of Julien Muave}
