My husband and I have been a bit neh to each other these past few days. Complete misunderstanding it seems but done all the same. Now because it’s my blog I can say what the problem was he was an arse and I was a coward. Despite being the most awesome man alive apart from my father and the three boys I am raising he can be an arse sometimes as much as I can be a bitch and when he is an arse I am a coward because sometimes it’s easier but then its not always right.
A brief non accusatory story he barked at me one too many times this past week for reasons he feels are justified and perhaps he is right I’m not sure because I can’t remember any good reason to bark at the person you love.
{he throws his hands up as I type this and I run my blog past him .. he says he is the fall guy for a story that should be told..and so I will state despite being an arse he is totally awesome..every body fights}
{Anyway……}
So how did I react? Initially I bit and it was good fighting. Its good for the soul but then the barking it continued and I get he has crap to deal with but so do I. My life isn’t long lunches and Ellen. So after a bit of confrontation where dummies were spat and paper was thrown I stopped biting because it started to hurt.
Now I’m normally a runner when in trouble and not being able to run I decide the best thing usually to do is hold things in. Become meek subservient. Non confrontational because currently I have a wee bit on my mind and he being an arse and his crap was the last thing I wanted to think about. So I stopped talking for a while, not affectionate and just plain polite; room-mates if you like.
So this is what I found using this polite non confrontational strategy. I guess with drawing is a term some would use.
It sucked and come this morning I was crawling into bed next to him saying we got to talk because I can’t do this crap. I can’t take the politeness being a roommate.
Laying into his chest trying to create connection between us hoping that the chasm that politeness had created would become smaller a conversation was started.
However if I had left it any longer we would have started on that hard path where the bread crumbs start getting taken by ant’s and finding your way back becomes hard and perhaps that’s an exaggeration for now but its how its starts the withdrawing the avoiding because the polietness is easier than the hurt or the work thats involved with the fixing of a problem I am not sure which. And whilst it ticks me off that it was me that crawled into bed and say hey this crap isn’t working someone has to do it. And I can’t live in that environment. It’s not healthy for anyone. I eat too much crap when living in that environment and yes I will blame him should the scales say I have gained that 2kgs that I lost last month.
Whilst the environment was very civil it was horrible. Not being able to speak your mind is numbing and unproductive. It sucks the love from you at least with an argument and one that is argued well ignites the passion and respect. Now my marriage has been to some low and high places and this is what I have learnt when needing to talk to someone about a problem.
So after some space and emotions are calm….
- Talk to them when they are relaxed for me there are two places my husband is relaxed driving the range and when is lying in bed of a morning. If you walk up to them and say we need to talk chances are the heckles will go up before you have time to sit.
- Touch them while you’re talking hold their hand. Touch their arm. Sit adjacent to them or just to the side.
- Lower the tone in your voice and understand that there is a right and a wrong way to fight. You know the wrong way. It’s full of venom and that will not fix something it will make it worse so just walk away.
- Don’t exaggerate and watch the words that you use. Words have power and you can’t take them back.
- Explain how you feel and ask what the problem is or what you want. Be open to the response.
- Don’t bring up past problems.
- Smile and lighten the mood with a joke somehow.
- Don’t have too much pride to say sorry if it dawns on you that perhaps you were wrong or misunderstood.
- There is no winner. That is not the object talking to someone…
- Understand all relationships have there ups and downs.
However there should always be a draw when it comes to the kissing and making up…both should be satisfied with the ending…
Xx D
{image source with thanks here}
