If you had asked me six months ago did I suffer from Anxiety I would have said no but truth is I think I might have suffered from it since I was a little girl. I just didn’t know exactly what it was.
I remember as a girl getting these dreams they occurred almost always after my parents had fought which at the time was a lot because life was creating continuous hiccups that their marriage had trouble jumping. These dreams whilst hard to describe where claustrophobic and would leave me tired and confused come morning but it never made sense to tell anyone. Everybody dreams right? Yet there were three types of dreams always the same. Trapped between cars, a twisting rope and a rock that would crush me and in these dreams it would leave me with a metallic taste in my mouth that would often wake me along with a migraine. Then as I grew the dreams went.
Then when I was 28 I had children and whilst the dreams didn’t return after my third child I become exhaustive and I turned into a parent and person that didn’t resemble myself anymore. My temper because I was tired and hormonal because of sleep deprivation was volatile and if I’m honest which is what I am I came close more than once to hurting my children accidentally on purpose and whilst it was never physical the venom I would spit sure made up for it. Throw in my new hormonal cycle after my three children and for one week out of four I was and can be potentially a monster. And whilst I was only this person for six months it is something I am ashamed of and thank god every day that my children don’t remember me as that person.
And whilst I know that I am not that person now and never will be again and haven’t been since becoming well it was after a very personal issue 12 months ago that produced the fear again I may be again be as the tired set in. This fear that I may turn into that person again consumed me. I was scared of myself. So the dreams returned along with a energy or constant ache in my chest it was energy of sorts that would contradictory leave me paralysed somehow. It was like excess energy but I couldn’t actually describe the feeling. I could function I wasn’t depressed {well at least I didn’t think I was} and I could get things done but it was harder some days. I couldn’t concentrate on just one thing. I was going around in circles and I didn’t know exactly what to do about it because I couldn’t really work out what was going on. And as a result I was not happy I was constantly nervous of my own self.
When I thought of anxiety I always assumed it was hyper ventilating, clawing for breath, being scared or crying and I was none of these things. I did however know I was scared of being that person again the one that frightened myself and my children and this fear would pop in to my head randomly or when someone felt it was their place to tell me their opinion on my life but crazily enough I only paired the fear and energy together recently when I felt this ‘energy’ one afternoon when I suffered a massive day of doubt over the blog, my writing and my place in the world. My questioning whether I was valid scared me more than anything and so this day I sat at my desk unable to write foggy trying to work out what the hell was going on with me.
And so I read researched what it could be this energy in my chest that left me energized chaotic and going round in circles. Anxiety is what I thought but followed it up with my GP as me and doctor Google don’t always agree on a diagnoses.
For once however Google was right. Anxiety is what she said. I laughed no I said. Yes she replied looking at me a little amused at my attitude. I want you to take these for stabilising your moods before your period she said that will stem your fear of your temper pre menstruation its not like you have the ability to walk out and leave the kids with your husband she said. So I now take 10mg of Lovan before my period is due to control the moods that my hormones create. These moods are what set the fear into my heart. And the excess energy Deb run it off she finished with dance it off. It’s your brain creating cortisol which in turn creates energy do something with it otherwise it will play havoc with your heart and your brain.
Anxiety its symptoms and extremities can be vast. Everybody is different and nobody is immune. It can come and go and it can strike when you least expect it. It can also be managed with different approaches and I like to think conquered. And so I run. Not well infact I run in the dark but the fear has gone along with the excess energy yet in its place is a different type of energy. Its happiness instead of fear.Because each time a bout surfaces for me I fight it. It will not beat me. It took a good 12 months from me and it will not happen again.
Have you any tips for beating a bout of anxiety?
xx Deb
