“Yeah he will leave the defence once we get married” she said.
“He doesn’t like it” I asked?
“Nah I don’t want him to do it anymore.” she said twisting her self like a two year old spinning their skirt as she spoke
“how long has been in?” I asked.
“12 years” she replied.
“So you have been together how long” I asked not that it was any of my business.
“Four months” she replied. Fair enough I thought. My husband and I were practically married after 8 months; each to their own.
“and you are getting married when?” I asked.
“Oh we haven’t set a date yet” she said smiling at me.
“Right” I said thinking of how to change the subject because something told me he may not even know he was getting married yet.
“Yeah I’m not going to be the wife of some Ponggo” she said “even though he says he loves it we can’t have a family while he is in the defence and I want lots of babies.”
I looked at her trying to determine her age but the shiny forehead and pillowed cheeks were giving me none of that. It didn’t matter though. My mind made up because it was at this point I found her almost as offensive as the perfume she was wearing. And it took all my might not to give a quick slap to the cheek. But I had met people like her before because when I met my husband one of the first things people asked was “how can you date someone who is in the defence force. Surely he will leave or you would want him to but I never wanted him to”. So I got the mentality but instead I said because I can never help myself.
‘When my husband was in the defence I knew that when I met him. I knew that was part of him. I knew it was important to him. And so in knowing that and loving him I knew I would have to support him. Just as he did throughout my career and as he does now when I throw his secrets out into the World Wide Web. It would be a pity I continued if your partner gave up what he loved without you giving it a go first. Perhaps I finished with you could agree on a time like he does another year after your married and then you go from there. If it’s not working then you can discuss it further because after 12 years it’s kind of like it’s part of him like your career is a part of you”
But she didn’t offer up her career or anything else instead she looked at me and continued to look at me. Like she wanted to bitch slap me and so I shifted on the spot nervously and clenched my jaw just in case all the while cursing myself for having opened my mouth.
But instead she raised her hand placed it on her hip and said “so I have to give up my dreams for him then”
“Ah no. That’s not what I said” I snapped back “and nor should anyone ever do that” I said shifting a little so that the slapping I might receive would be on par with what Orlando tried to give Bieber recently.
And so here is Happy Marriage Tip number eight: Supporting each other. And not just in career but in everything. Relationships are fifty-fifty. What matters to you must matter to them {unless of course it is not beneficial to them or your relationship in the long-term then you must seek help to fix it.} You must support each other in every facet of your relationship from family, career, money, kids and hobbies {like pretending that you see the same love and joy in doing up a car that is costing you more shoes than you care to think about}. If you’re not happy then talk to them and discuss it. A relationship cannot be one-sided sure in times of illness, stress, or career change then sure one partner often takes the load but it’s must not be anything that the other wouldn’t do and it must be a continued conversation to ensure the health and happiness of all involved. If we can’t consider and support each other with some give and take then its doomed. Its tiring emotionally and physically when its one-sided all the time. And you don’t inflict things like that on to people you love on purpose and if they do its time for some serious talk and action.
So whilst I didn’t say any of that to her because I really didn’t see the point I did for my own safety play the distraction game that you often do with toddlers who are about to throw a tantie and asked her about the very sweet shoes she had on her feet.
“Oh he brought them for me in some little town in the UAE. There a bit tight but” she said tipping her foot so I could get a better look.
“On deployment whilst he was defending our country?” I asked.
“Yes” she said with a sigh; which is how my sons carry on when they are tired of listening to me.
“How nice of him to consider you while someone was trying to shoot him” I said matter of factly.
And like my sons she turned on her heel and left without a word.
xxDeb
