I left her house wondering if she would talk about me the way she had spoken about her best friend to me full of venom and yet the sweetest smile. She was always so wonderful to me but she was also wonderful about her best friend when she was there to and so in the back of my mind I wondered was I any different; despite the exaggerated exclamation of oh I would never do that to you Deb. And yet despite hearing that I would spend hours worrying and then when we hung out I would be so mindful of what I said and how I said in case it was misconstrued manipulated and then passed on for gossip. I always felt less of myself hanging out with her. Like the life was sucked out of me.
It was one day whilst having coffee with her {my then boyfriend deployed and I alone in a new city her my only friend} and seeing her screen her calls did I decided as lovely as she seemed to me she and I couldn’t be friends anymore after this coffee. Oh I wouldn’t never do that to you she said when I remarked oh gosh I hope you don’t do that to me. Really I thought? I’m not as sure as I ran back through missed calls, unanswered texts and disregarded invites.
I went home that afternoon to the quiet that was our defence townhouse and promised myself no more. Newly arrived in the city; I decided that I would rather be happy in my own company completely alone than to be agonising over myself with my friendship with her.
Now ten years on I have succumbed to several other friendships like that poisonous one but they eventually take their toll on me and at some point and I make the clean break because for me there is no gradual wean with a toxic friend it’s a clean break cold turkey in the nicest most politest way but how do you know if they are good for you or not?
Trust me I know all the signs…
- They only make time for you when it’s convenient for them. They are always busy when you want coffee but when they want coffee and need someone to hang out with on a sad Saturday night then you’re their person. Never beg someone for attention and don’t waste your time with someone who only wants to hang out when it’s convenient for them.
- They hold your past against you. So you wore dungarees for a little longer than the fashion of the 90’s said so. Kissed that boy to long or drank too much many a Saturday night. It’s the past leave it there. Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be – that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved past them.
- They have lied to you more than once. There is no room for a lie’s in any relationships. A relationship is based on trust not the unsteady ground of lies.
- You tell them you want to be a Neuro Surgeon and they tell you you’re not smart enough. Someone who discredits your dreams or goals is not your friend. There is nothing more to say.
- They are continually seeing the negative in everything and everyone. You start whinging about your husband because they are. You’re thinking changes about someone because they point out all someone’s faults. They can’t see the good in anything or choose not to acknowledge it. Stay with them to long and your outlook on the world will be exactly the same as theirs.
- They are envious of what you have. A little envy is okay…too much envy is jealousy and that’s toxic it breeds contemp. You have worked hard gone without many times over but they fail to see that. They make snide comments either directly indirectly. You start keeping achievements to yourself. They want what you have without any of the hard work.
- They want you to be someone else. They want you to think a different way. They want you to be them not accept you as you are. You may like wearing collets, chew leaf tobacco, drink Evian water whilst your idea of a good time is sanding the edges of vintage books all awhile listening to the learning’s of the Dalai Lama then so be it. Never change yourself for the purpose of others.
Xx Deb
