We were lying in his bed talking out about his day when silence fell. It was dark his head under the covers when he said it. “You don’t care about me” he was B1 and he is eight years old but I swear it was only last week I was smelling his baby skin.
I lay there calm trying to work out what prompted this out of the blue statement. I thought about everything that had happened today. He had had a friend over. I relived the day as quickly as I could. He had been a slight smart Alec and I had dealt with it then and there. I don’t have time for it but considered the way I had dealt with it. Had I humiliated him? No I hadn’t thought so but I had dealt with it in front of his friend. Not a raised voice but a simple no you may not do that and no you may not behave that way because friend A is here. I considered friend A’s behaviour and friend A’s parents. We are different very different. I felt I had worked out the cause of this random statement.
So I started.
What makes you think I don’t care about you I asked him? He stammered trying to think of an example.
Is it me asking about your day, allowing you to have your friend’s over, cook your favourite dinners I asked. Is it making sure that your happy, healthy and okay. Is it because when you can’t sleep I pat you slowly on the back. Is that why you think I don’t care I said knowing full well he wouldn’t understand the sarcasm.
I allowed him time to find an example of why I didn’t care. This was important and I wasnt mad I was ready and I was listening because I know I can be hard on him and I expect a lot from him. And I parent different from some of the other parents we know. No way of parenting is wrong or right and so I waited. The dark was offering him the confidence he needed to tell me and this is why we had this ten minutes before bed so he could tell me these things.
He couldn’t find the words nor the example and so I offered what I thought it was to him. Was it because I told you off in front of friend A today I asked. He was silent with the exception of the nod of a head I knew it was. Well I said I am sorry for doing that in front of your friend and I will be more careful however I am not sorry for doing it. I am your parent not your friend just yet. I cant wait to be both your friend and parent because you are such an awesome little man and one day we will be great friends the best even. But my job is to be your parent it is my job to teach you things. It is my job to make sure that you’re the best possible person you can be. That is my job and I care and love you deeply and if I didn’t I would do these things that make you think I don’t care.
I do these things because I care about you and sometimes I will tell you off because I am trying to teach you. That is my job as a parent. Now if you think I have been un fair you must tell me and we will like now will talk about it. Never be afraid of that because you are my first baby and just like you I am still learning. I do know though I am a tough mummy. I don’t know how to be any other way. Friend A’s mum might be different to me and I understand that might seem better but it doesn’t mean I care or love you any less or they care or love them any less.
I am hard, I am tough but I think I’m fair and I’m doing the best I can to teach you to be the best you can be. After all if I didn’t teach you to tie your shoes, wash your dishes and use your manners do you think you would know how?
No he said and that’s how I know how to wash wipe and put it away and Mr R doesnt and he wont do it either mum he said the penny slowly dropping to him {I hoped}.
Thats right I said and if I didn’t care I would not be talking about this with you now.
Yeah mum can you pat me to sleep he said rolling over.
Of course I can.
xx Deb
{image with thanks to tumblr}
