This is not right he said. What is going on?
I was in tears again. We were fighting about our love life or lack thereof again. Our love life was at this time non-existence. We were not the same couple and it wasn’t because we now had a 4, 2, and a 1-year-old., or was it Once upon a time, there were days where being in bed was how we spent our days. So it was a no wonder we were at this point; again.
I don’t understand he said.
I did but I didn’t know how to say it without upsetting him. The love of my life; someone who meant the world to me. How could I not want to be physical with my husband? He was and is a fine-looking man, so good to me and would go to the ends of the earth for me and our family. So what was the problem?
He sat on the edge of the bed as I sat curled covering myself with a towel. He sat, head in his hands looking at the floor. I looked at him, I was tired as the hot tears flooded down my cheeks. I knew sex meant love to him. It’s not just sex to him its love and at the moment I wasn’t giving him any love. None for months.
We had argued about our non-sex life so many times and me saying I am just so tired wasn’t cutting it anymore.
There was, however, something in his body language, his voice that told me this was now important and my only time to tell because pretty soon he would stop asking or caring. I pulled the covers up to completely cover myself. Come here I said trying to pull him over to me.
He wasn’t budging. He was done listening to more excuses he wanted to hear the truth whatever that was. He came over in the end and settled down next to; but away from me.
I am tired I said. He looked at me with a look that said I have heard that before. I quickly added ‘but listen please’ before he switched off; it’s not your fault, and I love my life and this isn’t a complaint. This is not about you. I love you and I miss being with you but the fact is I have three little people crawling all over me 24 hours a day.
I am a human climbing gym and when I’m not a climbing gym. I’m cleaning them from their bum to their teeth. Then I have to feed them not only with the food I produce but from my own body. My breasts don’t even belong to me anymore I said they are a feeding instrument. I love them, I love being a parent but I never really understood how much they would take from me.
His body language began to change as the penny started to drop. I do this on my own for four weeks at a time and I am not complaining and you are the best husband, father, and amazing lover I couldn’t ask for more but I am so tired. Yes, I get a break when your home but I’m still working even when you are home. I’m still the climbing gym, the food producer its just when your home they have more options.
Hmm is what he said. I continued because this was the deal maker or breaker.
And I know I have been saying this a long time but I have been doing this a long time; five years. Five years is a long time when your this sleep-deprived. And I know its what we wanted but I was never prepared for this. By ‘this’ I meant being a parent, being tired, exhausted, and lonely. Nobody told me that this would happen. So come the end of the day, I don’t want anyone else touching me, anybody else wanting something more from me. It’s not personal. And I know one day they won’t need me anymore and I know you do but you understand- they don’t.
I love you and yes I want to be with you, but my body doesn’t want to play. My body is tired. I am done by the end of the day. It’s like you still doing the 16-hour shift at home for another four weeks, something would have to give I said to him. And then I said there is the way I look.
But I love the way you look he said
I hate the way I look I interrupted. Perhaps naive but I thought my body would return to how it would on its own.
But you have had three babies he said.
Still, I hate it and I don’t tell me differently right now, but I think I’m ugly and I’m tired. Those two are not a great combination. I don’t look the way I remember. I don’t feel anything but tired ugly. I continued on with, you, however, look finer than when I met you which was and is true. Why wouldn’t I want you I said cuddling him as he rolled closer; the divide between us closing.
Well, he said returning to his smart-alec self with a smile.
These aren’t excuses I said to him, I just need time and you have been so patient already. I also know how important this is and it’s not about me being a yes-no girl. I’m not that girl who determines when and we won’t have sex. I. am.just.so.tired.
Okay is all he said.
I didn’t know if it made any sense to him. He did, however, give me time and it wasn’t a long time after that, and I don’t think he regrets it.
It’s all I needed.
Now the only thing stopping longs days in bed when he is home is the children knocking on the door.
Xx Deb
{image source here with thanks}
