Before I had this blog I had journals; they were the only thing I had to talk to and while getting ready for taxes today came across some and well I just reread one of them…forgive the writing but I was angry, exhausted, being a little bit selfish and at this stage I was just a little depressed too but didn’t really know it yet…
11th May 2010
I haven’t been here awhile….I have been here but not here? Make sense? So yesterday I went to the doctors to see if perhaps my constant crankiness which has been keeping me so occupied because it takes a lot of effort to be in a constant bad mood…could be fixed. I lost it the other day. Lost it and he couldn’t come home. The first time in five years I have asked him and he couldn’t come home but he did help the best he could. He got mum. Mum has been and gone and got the boys so I can rest. I have cried and rested and now that I am rested I thought I owed it to them to see if it could be something other than just an over worked under loved housekeeper/babysitter. I so want it to be a thyroid problem…but she (my doctor) thinks I’m depressed….but Im not sad…I’m cranky… I don’t want to be told I’m depressed and I know that it’s a legitimate disease I know many women that suffer this condition but that not me I’m not sad….I’m exactly the opposite…I’m just the cranky woman on the corner with a house that too big and has far too many animals and probably too many children too…
Date unknown…
It should be mentioned somewhere here I started taking what I like to refer to as my crazy lady pills..
So maybe she (my doctor) was right…perhaps I was “depressed” and whilst I didn’t want to die I didn’t think anyone would miss me if I was gone ..I have never cried..I felt nothing for anything…anything and everything was an effort…I was tired…I was cranky…angry…I felt guilty…it was dark and lonely and I never ever want to go back there. I’m still embarrassed to have had a label like “depressed” put against my name but now I’m okay with it…well sort of…Im getting there. I’m a mum to three young boys doing it on my own for a month at a time…I was told by a family member that I need to take my own advice because apparently I give good no nonsense advice so that’s what I’m doing…what would I say to myself and I am listening and you know so far its working…so far..
2nd June 2010
So it happened last night…just like that….I woke this morning and that indifference to whether they are here or not, the dread of facing them every morning has gone…the fear that I’m going to lose it over something ridiculous has gone…now my heart is beating too fast because I’m really happy and whilst I’m terrified this feeling will disappear and I will slip back to what I was I’m now I’m hoping to make up for lost time…but the best part the part I’m most grateful for…they know something’s different because they are all over me..They know and they don’t care about last week or the week before… they just care about now…how very lucky is I…
I know a journal or a diary depending where you’re from it’s all very Oprah and Anne of Green Gables like but at a time when I thought I could tell nobody because I was ashamed writing down my thoughts and fears was all that kept me sane for awhile. It saved me from being lonely and it gave me the opportunity for reflection. It got me through another day, another week. Writing down your feelings can help you see a situation more clearly; giving a step back to look at the bigger picture. It can help reduce stress and learn to understand yourself better and where’s the negative in that. It can help resolve problems better, keeps you creative; a natural stress reducer in its self and writing it causes you to slow down and meditatively think.
Despite it being a nerdy or kitschy way to while away the hours writing journals has been around for centuries its how history has been documented. After all how would we have known that Bridget Jones also wore granny pants or that King Edward had a table made especially for sex if someone hadn’t journal about their day. And there is increasing evidence to support the idea that journaling has a positive impact on a person’s physical well-being. University of Texas at Austin psychologist and researcher James Pennebaker suggests that regular journaling strengthens immune cells, called T-lymphocytes. Other research indicates that journaling decreases the symptoms of asthma and rheumatoid arthritis.
So keeping a journal is good for you. Now I use my journal for goals and ideas for what I want from life and what I want for my family. My writing is no longer just about my mother guilt on how my five year old son like to use the word sh*t or how terrified I am that the birds and bees are fast approaching as my eight year old has sparked the interest of a little girl from school.
Keeping a journal will document life in 2013; something you could romantically pass on to your children, it keeps you on track as well as increasing your well being so it’s a win win unless of course your mother finds it and reads your best friend is having sex at 13 years old then it all tends to go down the toilet and a journal entry has caused more stress than its released. The lesson of reflection here is always be prepared for someone finding it.
Do you keep a diary? Do you think it’s been helpful? Do you reread them? Have you ever read some ones else’s?
xx Deb
