Last week I read a post by Katrina Chambers she commented that she was waiting for her good run to end…I went ah ha..yep I get you. She isn’t unhappy in fact its that exact opposite as am I but when it happens its like a heaviness over your shoulder, a cloud sitting out the corner of your eye. Know that feeling? she said hell yes but whenever I have said that out loud in my community I get that what kind of crazy talk are you going on about? Followed by the look of do you need a little more Lovan or sun shine?
And not to ‘copy’ Katrina’s post I just wanted to write about that ‘feeling’ the one I can a kin too. That dark cloud just over your shoulder is like a tentative, a waiting. You don’t want to go over board with the happy just in the case the happy it gets ripped away from you just as fast and you are left crying in the street like a two year old who has dropped their ice cream.
My life is so blessed. Its perfect in my eyes. Completely perfect. I am. So. Very. Happy. We have worked so hard for this life its earnt not given but some things are out of my control and that is what I struggle with most. My boys are healthy. I am happy and in love with my husband and I would like to think vice verse for him. Life is good for me, for us. We have our ups and downs but the even the downs are good- in hindsight. Whilst I’m not pessimistic I feel the exact opposite its that thing, that waiting that had gripped me for years. It has never stopped me from doing things. Its just there. Just over my shoulder every now and then. Reminding of how good I have it and not to get to happy.
My reaction to this feeling can sometimes see me go over board with kisses and love; which is never a bad thing although my boys have tendency to go what the? My husband however get it. My boys will go driving with their father my whole world in the big red truck and I will smother them with kisses because just in case because that ‘waiting’ is on my shoulder. I insist my husband calls me before and after the chopper flight off his vessel because ‘it’ will stalk me until he is through the door. I make everyone have full medical check up’s every year just because I am so damn blessed its mind blowing that Im ‘waiting’ and I’m a control freak trying to control something I have no control over.
Is it anxiousness..is it FIFO, too much time spent on my own or has mother hood has finally started taking its toll on me? I don’t believe so its just the knowledge that most if not all good things come to an end don’t they? My good run soon has to end? That feeling is that waiting will some day take over, come true and so I remember feeling like Katrina wondering if anyone else did. Then while visiting my father a couple of years ago sitting at the traffic lights in his little go go mobile Bravo I told him my cup full of crazy theory of all good things ending. Tears welling up as I told him how happy I was and how this ‘waiting’ feeling of my world having to end sometime not literally but some time and I remember he looking at me not really knowing what to do.
Deb he said not all good things come to an end well they do but they don’t. Right Dad I said. No he said when you feel that way not really saying how but hoping by throwing his hands in the air it was the right description and it was almost because even I cant describe ‘it’ right. When you get that feeling; that is just the world, the universe if you like he said telling you to slow down and take stock of what you have. When that ‘waiting’ grips you its the world saying slow down your taking me for granted and just a wait a minute. Stop breathe and appreciate what you have. That’s what is keeping you grounded because the reality is you could fly off with the fairies. I looked at him with a little wonder all awhile trying to work out weather taking off with the fairies is something I should be offended about. All this from a man who said little about anything if not fairies. Appreciating what you have and the work it has taken to get it ‘that feeling’ its reminding you that none of that comes easily. Then with last breath he said you cant control everything Deb for that I don’t have any advice but you cant and there is no point fretting over what hasn’t happened and may never happen. No point. It will do your head in its like controlling the weather it cant be done and if you go on trying to you will end up like your mother.
At that point he went silent.
I sat looking at the blue Mazada car mat I had brought him for Christmas. I didn’t know what to say so I said nothing because I knew he was right. He knew he had made his point and he had succeed in getting it across because who wants to end up going off with the fairies and resembling their mother?
So do you get the ‘waiting’ feeling? Does it keep you from going off with the fairies? Or should I just increase my dose of sunshine?
xx Deb
