It’s so wonderful being pregnant she cooed I spun round to look at her, my eyebrows raised. She was glowing but then so did I (it was called hot flushes) and still I didn’t really enjoy the process of being pregnant. She was pregnant and slender so was I with the first one, not the second and definitely not the third. I smiled at her how far a long are you along I asked? Twenty weeks she sighed. Lovely I said. Do you know what you’re having? No we want to keep it a surprise. Great I said. I turned back to what I was doing.
Rob is so attentive she said. Yes they usually are with the first I said but then by the third baby they realise that your pregnant not sick and well that kind of lapses and pretty soon you’re moving house and carry 40 kilo boxes on your own because well he knows you can. I kicked myself I knew how that must of sounded; damn it I said under my breath. It was meant to be funny but it didn’t come out they way. She either didn’t care or didn’t hear I’m hoping it was the latter.
Did you carry well she asked me. Yes I said. I was a born baby carrier and a regular ole jersey cow after. At the time I took that for granted and I shouldn’t have because some aren’t as fortunate as me for whatever reason and it’s only just now do I understand how horrible that can be for some.
Did you have morning sickness I asked not really knowing what else to say to her? No she said sorting through the baby clothes I was passing on to her. That’s great I said. People tell me pregnancy suits me she said. It does I said but what else does one say she was only twenty weeks she was in that honeymoon phase, the third trimester; little did she know. It was at that point in my head I was laughing the evil laugh head thrown back the evil gurgle coming from my belly. A little jealous on my behalf perhaps? I remember being twenty weeks too thinking this was great little did I know what was to come. What the mothering books didn’t tell me or I failed to take serious note of. I wish someone had grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. Yelled at me this will happen to you and some of it will suck.
1. The first thing I failed to realise was that the sleep deprivation was to start from when I was six months whilst pregnant. Not after the baby was born but well before. I would wake four five times a night almost every night whether it was from needing to go to the toilet; which I soon was given the tip to lean forward when going to pee it helps open the bladder so you go less; so is the theory. I then suffered restless legs, carpel tunnel from continuing farm work until I as 5 months or as it happened baby just decided since he was awake I should also be too and we should enjoy his internally belly kicking together. As a result I was tired before he even arrived. I wish someone had told me because I would have napped more.
2. My feet then grew by half a shoe size. I kid you not. It happens and has to do with the loosening of the ligaments and of course this includes the ligaments in the feet because of the extra weight you’re carrying. For some it’s not permanent. Me? Of course it was because it was my punishment. My karma for cursing my baby for giving me six months of morning sickness and so it was deemed by the law of karma that I was never to be able to wear my favourite Chinese Laundry pumps ever again.
3. I had extra skin, moles and nodules grow in weird obscure places. Who knew that would happen? Not me that’s for sure and so when a horrible thing appeared in the middle of my back whilst I was holidaying in Sydney I thought it was cancer and so for four days I thought I was going to die. That along with hormones did not make for a good holiday. So along with the one in the middle of my back I had benign tumour develop on my gum. Seriously nice. These are called them skin tags or pyogenic granuloma and eventually they disappear (if they don’t see your dentist of doctor depending on where these nodules are) and mine did disappear with the exception of the one they cut out of back because they didn’t want to risk it. Id rather the scar than the risk. However it was at this point I was fat, tired, felt like I looked nothing like they did pregnant on telly but rather the elephant man and hormonal to boot it. It was at this point husband was glad he was doing 21/7.
4. My appetite was massive for everything not only just for steak and salt and vinegar chips….Wink wink nudge nudge…It was at this point husband was disappointed he was on 21/7.
5. When I packed my bag for hospital I packed my pre pregnancy t shirts. A little size 8 number. I just thought when baby arrived my stomach would disappear; completely. I thought a little flabby but you know flat as board. Ah no. The disappoint I felt after the nurse pulled out my shirts as she dressed me after my 10 hours of labour (yes I know nothing) and then my emergency c section because I was unable to move and all dignity lost cold heartily laughed at me. She went on to tell me told me in no uncertain terms that I wouldn’t be able to get back into that; holding it up with her pinkie finger sniggering, for at least three months was as heart breaking as giving away my favourite pumps because pregnancy made my feet not only bigger but flatter.
6. I started stalking celebrity women who were pregnant the same time I was. Britney Spears was one. I need to say no more.
7. My hair looked lush but fell out like faster than Britney spears could put her knickers on.
8. Nothing prepared me for how much my milk coming in would hurt. It hurt. They what I formly knew as my breasts went up four cup sizes OVER NIGHT. Husband impressed yes. However never would they be played with the same again. Never would they look the same. Never. I was sure some mornings I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed and I saw newspaper headlines; ‘woman crushed with own breast’ as I opened my bleary eyes each morning. Nor did I know that I would leak at the sound of my baby crying or another for that fact. If I was given a baby now I’m sure I could still feed. Jersey is my middle name.
9. I got a heart murmurs for each of my babies its taken years for it to settle down.
10. Then I experienced love at first sight something everyone told me happened but I didn’t believe. The rush of emotion, love and desire to protect my baby left me dumb founded and overwhelmed. I was convinced I couldn’t love someone I had never met. I did. He in his first cry reduced me to tears. I loved him. It was love at first sight. He was perfect. Which then lead me to the moments of never feeling prouder and more love for my husband as he held our baby for the first time. He took care of him and me like we were the most fragile things in the world. I felt so loved and it’s never stopped. We are still to him the most fragile things in the world.
So I looked at her again. Pregnant and happy. So sweet and innocent. The evil laugh gurgling away in my head becoming ever more silent as I thought about how much I loved my babies and my husband. How I kind of missed feeling those butterflies then massive boots to the inside of my stomach. How I missed feeding my babies. How much I loved holding their tiny hands looking at them for hours. How much they taught me patience because I had and still have never in my life been so emotionally and physically tired. That I never felt so lonely and content all in one.
I contemplated telling her how much some of that pregnancy stuff sucks but she was so happy and I remember being that happy at twenty weeks so I didn’t and she probably wouldn’t listen any way because I didn’t.
After all I went back three times over its called pregnancy brain yes it really does exist, it has too.
xx Deb
