a fifo wife {fifo life: real life fifo :women raising boys}

We stood at the fence talking her on one side me on the other. Talking about nothing in particular. Why are you so tired she said to me? B3 is playing up I said to her its becoming exhausting. They miss their father she assumed they need their dad to show them some discipline. Show them how to be boys she assumed again very gently. I looked at her dumb founded she had said that. A divorced mother who was raising her children alone the father seeing them just the weekends. It perplexed me she had said that without understanding her own situation. She didn’t seem to flinch at the fact that her words may have a slight sting to them like as a woman I wasn’t capable of raising boys yet peoples desire to give me their opinion sting or not is something I’m now use too.

I don’t think that’s right I said. He is just going through a stage of pushing his boundries. What I wanted to scream at her was that having dad working on a boat for four weeks at time providing for his family doesn’t mean they are missing out and that they  were being or becoming little boys any less.

Yet the reality is if she had said this to me three years ago when my B1 was 3 years old I would have freaked out that yes I was raising them on my own as a FIFO mum and wife every second month of the year or essentially six months of the year. Not freaked out because I was unable to handle that I could do hands down but freaked out because I was a woman raising a boy(s) and responsible for influencing him as a boy. Three years ago if my B1 had shown the slightest liking of pink or hobbling around in my shoes like my B3 does now I would have fallen into a panicked heap. Three years ago I was in a silent state of panic that as a woman I was raising three boys. I would worry I wasn’t showing them enough ‘boy’ stuff. Teaching them to be boys and behave like boys what ever that is. I don’t like football, rugby or trucks. I did and do my best with skate boards, power wings, racing and wresting on the trampoline but still I worried was it enough? Was it boyish enough. It kept me awake at night, seriously it did but its so very laughable now.

I wondered or worried more was the word was that the reason my B1 had trouble making friends? Why he was picked on? Why he was so shy and reserved? Did the other children sense he was being brought up different being brought up prodominetly by a woman? Was he too feminine perhaps? Was I brining up a sissy who chose not to fight the bullies back? Was all this because his father wasn’t physically present every single day? Was the constant phone calls and that solid month at home with just him and them together doing boy stuff enough to make him a boy?

I knew I was and am doing a good job. He was (they) polite, well mannered, thoughtful everything you would want but was that enough. I would say to people all the time I only have one shot at this I want to do it right in hope that they would tell me something anything. I brought almost every book parenting book aimed at raising boys known to man. Some were good but non offered me the comforting words I was looking for if anything it terrified me more.

Then typically one day I caught him at day care being a ‘boy’ he not knowing I was watching him play but like I did most afternoons. It was the reason I went so early to sit at the window to watch him play, it was one of my favourite things to do and still is watching them play them so unaware. This one afternoon I finally saw him playing and interacting with the other ‘boys’. Playing football something I had never played with him. Playing trucks another thing I had ever played with him. Then day care said to me do you relaise he doesn’t know your a girl he thinks you are a boy. My panic disappeared. Just because I cooked, cleaned, drew and took him shopping didn’t mean he was any less of a boy and as studies show now it doesn’t matter weather my boys were brought up by me and their father, just me or if I was in a lesbian couple situation being a boy is genetic. They are genetically different to us as females. No matter what I do or don’t do will make him any less of a boy or a man in later in life. It was at that point when I stopped the panicking did I realise my husband was brought up soley by women and he is an amazing manly man again what ever that is. His brother was brought up soley also by the same women and as a truck driver he couldn’t be any more of a blokes bloke if that’s what you call someone who drives a semi, drinks rum and reads dirty magazines. As men they can cook, they clean, the can dance, they are respectful to women, they are thoughtful and kind yet they are men. Blokes, raised by women.

In a study conducted by Research psychologist Peggy Drexler she showed that the reality is that it is how a family acts, not the way it’s made up, that determines whether children succeed or fail. The number of times parents eat dinner with their children is a better guide to how those children will turn out than the number or gender of parents at the dinner table. Good, loving, growth-encouraging parenting is what sons need. A good female parent will help to develop her son’s full potential as long as she values his manliness and encourages his growth, independence, and sense of adventure. Masculine and feminine qualities are in fact human qualities.

So like my husbands grandmother and aunt whom I’m sure never would have doubted their ability to raise good men it doesn’t matter that I don’t play ball, enjoy his love of car racing or Batman. Now I understand I could dress him up and have him play dolls and he would still be a boy and really if he did would it matter? No I think not. What does matter is encouraging him in all that he does. Just as his father does. Him becoming a good man depends on being a good family. Being together. Being supportive. Loving him. Nurturing him. Showing him how to be kind. How to be gentle. How to treat and respect people. To encourage him; them, and weather I teach him or his father does how to throw a ball, smash a truck or throw a left hook it doesn’t matter because that is not the measure of a boy or a man. I can do nothing more, husband and I can do nothing more being a good family and positive role models regardless of our gender in making him a good boy and man.

x Deb