Your husband says he is going out for thirty minutes what do you do? Most would grab a coffee sit back and relax. Not me. I stalker like watch him jump in the car, drive down the driveway, then watch him go down the street and around the bend. I stay there watching just to make sure he has definitely gone. I wait for these thirty minutes like Wiley Coyote waits for the beep of road runner. I then grab my at home hair dye kit, my razor, lock the bathroom door and I attempt to make myself a little pretty.
For those not aware I don’t shave, pluck, pee or paint in front of my husband so getting these 30 minutes is valuable. I have spoken about it before and it’s something I still have an aversion to. Once that aversion disappears I know it’s time to pull out the Ugg’s and mix up a skunk because that’s it I’m certain we are done. To me keeping this ‘up keep’ of hair dyes, hair removal and face mask routine a secret from my husband is my mixed attempt of keeping the romance alive. That and I pee in front of no one over the age of two. No one. Keeping ‘it’ a mystery is to help with the va before the voom and lets be honest its hardly va-vooming if he sees me in all my dishevelled grey haired glory sitting on the toilet shaving my legs is it? It’s brings with it the same awkwardness if we were to have our husbands come into the gynaecologist for a pap smear it’s just not right some how.
So not having much time when husband is home to touch up I have become the master of the thirty minute routine. Seriously I have it so down pack that I often will have time to scrub the shower. Although be warned there are hazards to that procedure when covered in hair dye and a face mask. Now should you attempt to scrub the shower be aware of two things that could possibly happen: instantaneous combustion and passing out from the combination of the fumes from the hair dye, face mask and bathroom cleaner. Its a hazard seriously.One I’m divulging because I don’t need a law suit saying your weren’t correctly informed but its possible that it may happen; so there done. You do this at your own risk. Yet for me sustaining serious possible injury given the options of limited time to myself, hairy legs, grey hairs, the absolute perversion of a dirty shower and the thought my husband may see all of the above is one I’m willing to take.
Now in case you’re wondering my beauty routine goes a little like this with a lot of mess and cursing as you rush through each point in time. But the important thing is he meaning my husband doesn’t see any of the process.Yes I know I have my quirks and occasionally I should take a little lovan to keep those quirks in check but no one is perfect.
So.
Once you have put on your hair dye, pop on a face mask. If you Veet yourself where ever you may Veet yourself go for it now. If you’re not sure what I mean by Veet..think of the French or Brazil; get it? If you don’t I don’t’ want to go into the details here but they tell me it will make the voom into a vroom vroom.
Give your finger and toe nails a quick file before your shower to remove the hair dye. Its between the filing of the nails and the washing of the hair you may have time to scrub the shower; 20 minutes. Again at your own risk. Wash the face mask off. Wash the hair dye out. Remove the ‘Veet’. Put the hair conditioner in. Shave your legs and armpits in the middle of your shower when your skin is lovely and warm. Consequently shaving your legs with conditioner leaves your legs feeling so soft. Exfoliate your body while you shower, then after you hop out, slather on a rich hand cream while your skin is still warm.
Now if you still have time and I generally do grab yourself a bottle of 30 second dry nail polish. Apply it to your tootsies and allow it to dry whilst you dry your hair. I don’t do my finger nails; I don’t see the point when they are in and out of water, digging in the garden and pulling my children by their ears all day. Its pointless.
Then viola 30 minutes a new you, that can be done every month. It’s not relaxing in fact it can down right painful and build up a sweat but no pain no gain? It takes effort but when ever my eyes are watering from the poison that is seeping into them as I stain my eyelashes to a unnatural ebony black; to which I will flutter at my very fine husband; I clench my teeth and think of Coco Chanel’s famous phrase. “There are no ugly women in the world, just lazy ones”.
Which having said that I’m off I literally have 40 minutes before he gets back from Bunning’s imagine what I could do with that.
Voom voom lovelies,
xx Deb
