This is Melissa’s story..
We live in Adelaide, having moved here to be closer to my family after I decided to change jobs towards the end of last year. My family live here, and my other half’s family live in Queensland – scattered and also FIFO between Qld/WA.
Initially – my other half was reluctant to move having not really thought it all through.. you know how women process things faster than men and we have to be patient and wait for them to catch up – anyway, after giving it some thought, my beloved decided that the sort of work he does meant he really could live where-ever he wanted.. and so, standing on a beach in far north Queensland one night, my beloved looked at me most seriously and said “where-ever you go, I’ll go”- a very romantic, and extremely big call for the travelling man from Queensland who had spent the previous year travelling around the most remote parts of Australia.. at the time I was contemplating job offers in Sydney and Melbourne – and the more reluctantly, Adelaide.
Over a campfire one night, one of my girlfriends asked my beloved where he really wanted to live – Melbourne, Sydney or Adelaide – he responded Adelaide.. so to Adelaide we came.
We’ve known each other for two years, and have been together one. We celebrate our anniversary as the day we met though, knowing that some connection was established that day – however, my beloved was travelling around Australia at the time and while we both made “friends” with others for a few months, it wasn’t long before we decided to give this FIFO relationship a go.
We’re both 32 – or at least we will both be 32 by the end of next month. We live together, although with his roster being 4:1, we spend 20% of the time together, and really less than that since I can’t take the week off everytime he’s home unfortunately.
Was there a reason you started FIFO? i.e. Deposit for a house? Trip overseas? Or was he already working FIFO? How did you feel about that? Did it affect your decision about continuing the relationship? Why?
He was already working FIFO when our relationship started, although not when we met. I don’t think he even planned to work FIFO but he took a job part-way around his travels – I remember he hasn’t finished travelling around WA yet because he took a job – I guess the offer was too good to refuse at the time.
Initially the FIFO work started to reach a specific financial goal, and when that one was reached, it was to reach another financial goal.. and then it was until June 2012, and then December 2012 – and now it’s for five years… I don’t want to sound pessimistic, but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that our FIFO life is what it is – I just hope that one day we find a roster that is a bit friendlier.
I have always been pretty independent, so the thought of being with someone who wasn’t around full-time didn’t bother me. He is pretty independent too.
It was more of a learning curve for me than him because he grew up in a FIFO family so it’s familiar to him.
I found it hard saying goodbye at first but I’m used to it now.
I miss him – but I don’t sit at home pining for him and I enjoy when he’s home.
I find it difficult having people bang on about how hard it must be. Life is what you make it – we are in constant communication by text, email and voice calls – and make sure we don’t take each other for granted. Our time together is limited, but precious – and although we don’t spend every minute of every day he has off together, we do a lot together but still maintain our independence. I suppose there are a lot of relationships where working arrangements are different such that people may not get to spend quality time together all the time, and perhaps a lot of people don’t recognise that in their own relationships but focus on the fact that we are physically separated. I think we have amazing communication given then distance between us.
It will be interesting to see whether our perspectives change once the baby comes along in seven months time.. at the moment, we are talking in theoretical terms that this life will continue the way it has been – whether or not it does, depends on how I go being at home with the little one without my other half.
Did you talk about it before starting? Was there a time limit? Has that happened?
My other half was already doing FIFO when we started our relationship – the time limit, like most things changes and is flexible. If I said I couldn’t handle it anymore, we would find different work.
What do you like best about FIFO?
My other half seems to love his job and most of the time enjoys going to work. He has a routine that he can probably stick to better at work than if he was at home with all the usual domestic distractions.
Probably I like the fact that we really appreciate each other. The financial side of it helps too.
What do you find so-so/tricky/hilariously bad about FIFO? What would change if you had a magic wand?
Haha – I thought FIFO would interfere with our ability to get pregnant – but as soon as we tried, we got pregnant.
There are times when I really miss him and he’s just not there to give me a hug and sometimes I get tired of going to things on my own – but I was single for a long time before we got together, and as I said, pretty independent so it’s not that big a deal to me.
I get anxious and nervous before he comes home because it’s been so long since we last saw each other but we fall back into our pattern pretty quickly. He is such an amazing, patient and loving man. I wouldn’t trade him or our situation right now because it works for us.
I’m not very handy and I do find it frustrating when things don’t work and I can’t fix them or have to wait for someone to do it – at the moment, the lights in the spare room don’t work so I’m waiting for my other half to come home and sort it out – we’re calling an electrician, but there are other things he wants done too.. my beloved also thinks he can do everything – that’s frustrating – he struggles with the idea that it’s just not possible for him to do everything and while he might be able to, given he’s home only one in five weeks – he just can’t and it’s okay to organise tradespeople to help out.
If I could, I would change his roster to be a bit friendlier, but other than that, I’m not sure I’d change anything else – I might need to revisit this answer next year as it might change in a few months time!! I imagine I might find things trickier or harder after the baby comes.
Does your partner have trouble with you still going out and about how do you handle moments of insecurity (if any)
My beloved has been insecure only once and that was when he was home, not away. We’re both pretty realistic about the fact that we’ve had relationships and flings before we got together. But we share the same strict and black and white views on extra-marital relationships and I think that gives us the comfort to not be insecure.
The reality is, we both have male and female friends – our relationship just won’t work if we don’t trust each other.
I think also, the fact that we were friends before our relationship started helped us to get to know each other really well.
Do you get lonely? How do you handle that?
I miss him, but I don’t get lonely. I alternate between being too busy and too tired to be lonely – plus, I’ve always enjoyed my own company – I also have two cats and a dog and myriad of friends and my family to keep me busy if I find it too hard being on my own.
Do you have trouble balancing his time with you and his mates? How do you manage it?
My other half doesn’t have a lot of friends in Adelaide but the friends he does have I try to organise one or two dinners with them when he’s home so he gets to see them.. it doesn’t always work out to be possible.
I guess the short answer is that so far this hasn’t been an issue. I don’t spend time with my friends without him when he’s home because our time is so short and I think so important together.
Do you think you use the time he is away to better yourself? Do study or are you career orientated?
I work full-time and I study part-time although that’s quite difficult at the moment since I’m incubating our first offspring – however I’m giving it a good go.
We moved into our new home about 7 weeks ago – which I found tough on my own – thankfully we haven’t got too much to do to it although I have plans!
Do you know any other FIFO ladies your age? Do you think it would help knowing others?
I don’t know any other FIFO ladies in Adelaide. I know a couple who live in Cairns. One finds it really difficult and the other enjoys it (or seems to anyway).
There is a FIFO group in Adelaide. I think it will be helpful once the baby comes – although goodness knows how I’ll feel when that happens.
What advice would you give to other women about FIFO life?
Don’t nag.
Be patient but assertive with what you want and how you feel.
Communicate well and often.
Accept that this life you have both chosen means short term sacrifices for (hopefully) long-term gain.
FIFO life is the sort of thing you have to actually be prepared to live. Not half-heartedly accept because it is hard sometimes. You both need to be open and honest with your feelings. You need to be strong individuals and a strong couple.
Like any relationship, you need to work at it to make it successful. There will be good times and there will be tough and/or bad times – but my advice is never let your other half go back to work without having resolved an argument or without saying “I love you” – the following four weeks (or however long he’s away) is unbearable.
as told by Melissa,
thanks lovely xx Deb
rp1.
